ORANGE, CA—Surpassing their anxieties regarding public speaking, mass shootings, and natural disasters, Americans’ single greatest concern, according to the latest results of the Chapman Survey On American Fears released Friday, is that their waitress will forget about them. “More than 70 percent of the individuals we…
LEXINGTON, MA—Impatiently scanning store shelves while tersely repeating requests for an inventory of clothing and other items that would be taken along, local mother Susan Vernon, 51, channeled her escalating fears regarding her daughter leaving for college later this month into a fight about storage bins, sources…
DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right. “If I tell them about the raise, they’ll…
It’s okay to be afraid sometimes. It’s a completely natural feeling that all of us experience. But we can’t let fear dominate our lives. In my case, when it came to the one thing that scared me the most—that single fear that tormented me nearly every day—I knew the problem would only get worse unless I confronted it…
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Saying the terrifying scenario plays out in a typical mother or father’s mind several times per day, a report released Monday by researchers at Rutgers University revealed that losing a child in a high-stakes underground poker tournament remains Americans’ biggest parenting fear. “According to our…
UNIVERSITY PLACE, WA—Utterly overwhelmed by the thought of the planet’s surface containing such an unfathomable amount of the natural course obstacles, pro golfer Bubba Watson expressed both shock and fear Friday upon learning that approximately two-thirds of Earth is covered in water hazards. “It’s actually…
WASHINGTON—Wondering what would become of the nation’s airports, roadways, and harbors, Transportation Secretary Anthony Foxx reportedly became consumed with fear Tuesday that the American populace might suddenly decide not to travel anywhere ever again. “What if everyone stops commuting to work or booking vacations…
BEDFORD, NH—Acknowledging a look in her eyes that sometimes makes them think she may actually be registering things, the family of local grandmother Janice Humphries expressed anxiety Tuesday that the 93-year-old nursing home resident might be aware of her surroundings. “It comes and goes right now, and we’re just…
WHITE PLAINS, NY—With still no indication that her 30-year-old son Bryan has any interest in entering a romantic relationship or starting a family, area mother Kathleen Williamson told reporters this week that she is starting to fear his web series is the closest thing she will ever have to a grandchild. “At this…
MACON, GA—Saying that while she’s proud of her son’s decision to join the Army and knows that he is serving his country with honor, area mother Diane Brockmeyer told reporters Thursday she lives in constant fear knowing that her 24-year-old son, Pfc. Daniel Brockmeyer, is stationed at a military base in the United…
ROCKVILLE, MD—A study released Tuesday by the National Institute for Mental Health confirmed that the vast majority of Americans’ anxieties and phobias have no logical grounding in reality, aside from those related to being attacked in open waters and torn limb from limb by a gigantic, merciless shark. “Our research…
SUZHOU, CHINA—Expressing growing concerns about their future job security, factory workers across China reported this week that they are deeply worried they may never lose their menial, hazardous positions on product assembly lines to automated machinery. “It’s a frightening prospect, but I’m starting to seriously…
