Report: Most Americans’ Retirement Plans Consist Of Hoping Their Random Junk Turns Out To Be Collector’s Item Worth Millions

WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on how Americans are preparing for their golden years, a report published Tuesday by the National Institute on Retirement Security found that most people’s plans consist entirely of the hope that some random junk piece they own ends up being a collector’s item worth millions of dollars.…

Financial Planners Suggest Spending One Evening Each Week Ripping Apart Walls, Floorboards In Search For Cash

CHICAGO—Saying that home prospecting can be “a simple, low-effort method of exercising financial foresight,” the National Association of Personal Financial Advisors published a report Monday suggesting readers spend one evening ripping apart the walls and floorboards of their homes each week in search of hidden cash,…

‘Holy Shit, The Government Owes Me 50 Million Dollars,’ Reports Man Incorrectly Filling Out His Taxes

CINCINNATI—Excited by the prospect of quitting his retail job and moving to his own South Pacific island, 28-year-old Ben Hughes learned Friday that he would be receiving $50 million in returns from the federal government after incorrectly filling out his taxes. “Wait, let me double-check this—yep, 50 million dollars,…

25-Year-Old Moving Into Comfortable, Rent-Free Arrangement In Parents’ Home Worried He’s Hit Rock Bottom

CLEVELAND—Speculating that he had quite possibly reached the lowest point in his life thus far, 25-year-old Jeremy Garcia admitted he was worried he had hit rock bottom Wednesday after moving into a comfortable, rent-free arrangement in his parents’ house. “I’m deeply ashamed...I have no idea how I let things get this…