Stock Market Plunges Ahead Of Onion Social Hague Trial
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Nation’s Rich And Powerful Wondering When Rest Of Americans Will Just Give Up
WASHINGTON—Finding themselves increasingly annoyed with the inexplicable and infuriating persistence of their feeble socioeconomic inferiors, America’s rich and powerful were at a loss Wednesday as to exactly when the rest of the country would finally relinquish all hope and simply give up, sources close to the 1…
New Financial Report Finds Economy Invincible Forever This Time
WASHINGTON—Citing leading economic indicators for its robust forecast of the nation’s fiscal climate, a new report released Tuesday by the U.S. Bureau of Economic Analysis found that the prevailing financial expansion will only continue and the economy will be invincible forever this time. “All available data tell us…
‘Holy Shit, The Government Owes Me 50 Million Dollars,’ Reports Man Incorrectly Filling Out His Taxes
CINCINNATI—Excited by the prospect of quitting his retail job and moving to his own South Pacific island, 28-year-old Ben Hughes learned Friday that he would be receiving $50 million in returns from the federal government after incorrectly filling out his taxes. “Wait, let me double-check this—yep, 50 million dollars,…
Tax Preparation Software Vs. Hiring An Accountant
Many people use outside help to file their taxes, and are faced with the choice of using a tax-preparation software or paying a CPA to do them. The Onion presents a side-by-side comparison of using software vs. hiring a professional.
25-Year-Old Moving Into Comfortable, Rent-Free Arrangement In Parents’ Home Worried He’s Hit Rock Bottom
CLEVELAND—Speculating that he had quite possibly reached the lowest point in his life thus far, 25-year-old Jeremy Garcia admitted he was worried he had hit rock bottom Wednesday after moving into a comfortable, rent-free arrangement in his parents’ house. “I’m deeply ashamed...I have no idea how I let things get this…
Proud Billionaire Helps Young Son Open First Offshore Bank Account
VICTORIA, SEYCHELLES—Welling with pride as the child made his initial $2 million deposit, hedge fund billionaire Seymour Gansthorpe reportedly helped his son Elwin, 8, open his first offshore bank account, sources reported Tuesday. “These are the kinds of things you live for as a dad: getting to watch your little boy…
Bitcoin Plunge Reveals Possible Vulnerabilities In Crazy Imaginary Internet Money
NEW YORK—Saying it may account for the precipitous drop in the digital currency, financial experts on Friday told reporters that the recent plunge in bitcoin value could reveal vulnerabilities in crazy imaginary internet money. “This should serve as a clear indicator of how susceptible weird invisible money that only…
New GOP Plan Offers Tax Breaks On All Contributions Tucked Into Congressmen’s Suit Breast Pocket
WASHINGTON—In an effort to motivate Americans into giving more generously, a new GOP plan unveiled Tuesday would offer generous tax breaks on all contributions tucked into congressmen’s suit breast pockets. “Under this new proposal, Americans would be afforded the ability to write off any donation that is coolly…
Nation Curious After Discovering Mysterious, Eccentric Benefactor Paid Off Country’s Debt In Full
WASHINGTON—Puzzled by the incredibly generous anonymous gift, the American populace was reportedly curious Friday after discovering a mysterious, eccentric benefactor had paid off the country’s debt in full. “Dearest Americans, I humbly bestow upon you an endowment most desirable, to be unburdened fully from your…
Equifax Impressed By Hackers’ Ability To Ruin People’s Finances More Efficiently Than Company Can
ATLANTA—In the wake of a massive data breach that exposed the sensitive personal information of 143 million customers, executives from credit agency Equifax said Friday that they were impressed by the hackers’ ability to ruin people’s finances much more efficiently than their company can. “We’re truly amazed by the…
Trump Administration Announces New $20 Bill Design Honoring Harriet Tubman’s Owners
WASHINGTON—Saying they wished to pay tribute to the legacies of these distinguished, law-abiding Americans, the Trump administration announced Friday that a long anticipated redesign of the $20 bill would honor Harriet Tubman’s owners. “These were patriotic business proprietors who followed the laws of their time to…
Report: Some Shithead Out There Makes So Much More Money Than You
ATLANTA—Saying you’d feel sick to your stomach if you knew how big the difference was, some shithead out there makes so much more money than you do, sources reported Wednesday. In addition to earning your annual salary in a single month, the goddamn sonofabitch reportedly works half as many hours per week, all without…
Report: U.S. Economy Loses $20 Billion Annually To Americans Writing Ideas Down Illegibly
WASHINGTON—Declaring that such sloppiness came at a significant financial cost, a report released by the U.S. Bureau of Economic Analysis on Monday found that the U.S. loses $20 billion each year to Americans writing ideas down illegibly. “The data strongly suggests that Americans’ inability to decipher their own…
