‘Holy Shit, The Government Owes Me 50 Million Dollars,’ Reports Man Incorrectly Filling Out His Taxes

CINCINNATI—Excited by the prospect of quitting his retail job and moving to his own South Pacific island, 28-year-old Ben Hughes learned Friday that he would be receiving $50 million in returns from the federal government after incorrectly filling out his taxes. “Wait, let me double-check this—yep, 50 million dollars,…

25-Year-Old Moving Into Comfortable, Rent-Free Arrangement In Parents’ Home Worried He’s Hit Rock Bottom

CLEVELAND—Speculating that he had quite possibly reached the lowest point in his life thus far, 25-year-old Jeremy Garcia admitted he was worried he had hit rock bottom Wednesday after moving into a comfortable, rent-free arrangement in his parents’ house. “I’m deeply ashamed...I have no idea how I let things get this…

New GOP Plan Offers Tax Breaks On All Contributions Tucked Into Congressmen’s Suit Breast Pocket

WASHINGTON—In an effort to motivate Americans into giving more generously, a new GOP plan unveiled Tuesday would offer generous tax breaks on all contributions tucked into congressmen’s suit breast pockets. “Under this new proposal, Americans would be afforded the ability to write off any donation that is coolly…

Nation Curious After Discovering Mysterious, Eccentric Benefactor Paid Off Country’s Debt In Full 

WASHINGTON—Puzzled by the incredibly generous anonymous gift, the American populace was reportedly curious Friday after discovering a mysterious, eccentric benefactor had paid off the country’s debt in full. “Dearest Americans, I humbly bestow upon you an endowment most desirable, to be unburdened fully from your…

Equifax Impressed By Hackers’ Ability To Ruin People’s Finances More Efficiently Than Company Can

ATLANTA—In the wake of a massive data breach that exposed the sensitive personal information of 143 million customers, executives from credit agency Equifax said Friday that they were impressed by the hackers’ ability to ruin people’s finances much more efficiently than their company can. “We’re truly amazed by the…

Trump Administration Announces New $20 Bill Design Honoring Harriet Tubman’s Owners

WASHINGTON—Saying they wished to pay tribute to the legacies of these distinguished, law-abiding Americans, the Trump administration announced Friday that a long anticipated redesign of the $20 bill would honor Harriet Tubman’s owners. “These were patriotic business proprietors who followed the laws of their time to…