Pros And Cons Of Salary Transparency
An increasing number of people advocate being open about salaries as a way to fix pay iniquities and encourage…
Lazy Poor Person Has Never Earned Passive Income From Stock Dividends A Day In His Life
MUNCIE, IN—Shaking their heads in disgust at the irresponsible man’s laziness and lack of initiative, sources disclosed…
Financial Experts Say Stock Market Constantly Plunging, Reaching Record Highs Leading Indicator Of Healthy Economy
NEW YORK—Reminding investors that 800-point swings are completely normal, financial experts confirmed Thursday that the…
Wells Fargo Computer Glitch Accidentally Forecloses On All 5,700 Branches
SAN FRANCISCO—Saying it deeply regretted the error, financial services giant Wells Fargo confirmed Wednesday that a…
The Onion’s Guide To Blockchain Technology
Blockchain technology forms the foundation for cryptocurrencies such as Bitcoin, Dogecoin, and Ethereum, but it can be…
Financial Experts Recommend Young Grifters Start Laying Groundwork For Long Con By 25
NEW YORK—Noting that it was becoming increasingly crucial for those in high-risk jobs to invest for retirement as early…
Report: Most Americans’ Retirement Plans Consist Of Hoping Their Random Junk Turns Out To Be Collector’s Item Worth Millions
WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on how Americans are preparing for their golden years, a report published Tuesday by the…
The Case For And Against Getting Rid Of The Penny
The U.S. one-cent coin costs more money than its face value to produce, which has led to debate over whether it’s worth…
God Excited He Only Two Mortgage Payments Away From Owning Heaven
HEAVEN—Following decades of careful financial management, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, remarked on His excitement…
Pros And Cons Of Mobile Payment Apps
The number of people using mobile payment apps like Apple Pay and Venmo continues to rise, although there are concerns…
Financial Planners Suggest Spending One Evening Each Week Ripping Apart Walls, Floorboards In Search For Cash
CHICAGO—Saying that home prospecting can be “a simple, low-effort method of exercising financial foresight,” the…
Stock Market Plunges Ahead Of Onion Social Hague Trial
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Nation’s Rich And Powerful Wondering When Rest Of Americans Will Just Give Up
WASHINGTON—Finding themselves increasingly annoyed with the inexplicable and infuriating persistence of their feeble…
New Financial Report Finds Economy Invincible Forever This Time
WASHINGTON—Citing leading economic indicators for its robust forecast of the nation’s fiscal climate, a new report…
‘Holy Shit, The Government Owes Me 50 Million Dollars,’ Reports Man Incorrectly Filling Out His Taxes
CINCINNATI—Excited by the prospect of quitting his retail job and moving to his own South Pacific island, 28-year-old…
Tax Preparation Software Vs. Hiring An Accountant
Many people use outside help to file their taxes, and are faced with the choice of using a tax-preparation software or…
25-Year-Old Moving Into Comfortable, Rent-Free Arrangement In Parents’ Home Worried He’s Hit Rock Bottom
CLEVELAND—Speculating that he had quite possibly reached the lowest point in his life thus far, 25-year-old Jeremy…