USDA Just Doing Quick Smell Tests To Inspect All The Backlogged Meat That Piled Up During Shutdown
WASHINGTON—With the federal government back open this week, food safety officials at the U.S. Department of Agriculture…
Man Beginning To Worry That Best Meals Already Behind Him
CHICAGO—Lamenting that his glory days of college cafeterias, burger joints, and taco trucks are now shrinking in life’s…
Furloughed Government Employee Using Time Off To Visit Local Food Pantry She Been Hearing About
ROSEBURG, OR—Noting the wide variety of nonperishable items lining the shelves, furloughed government employee Sheena…
KFC Blames Popeyes For Releasing Serial Rapist From Prison In New Attack Ad Campaign
LOUISVILLE, KY—Referring to the fast food restaurant chain as a revolving door for perverts and sexual deviants,…
Campbell’s Unveils New Tomato Soup Humidifier
CAMDEN, NJ—Touting the device’s ability to open nasal passages and fill the air with warm, red mist, Campbell’s…
Bertolli Packaging Promises Empty Ravioli Floating In Filling-Saturated Water In Just 5 Minutes
NORTHBROOK, IL—Describing their new pasta as the perfect quick meal for busy weeknights, Italian food brand Bertolli…
Report: More Travelers Avoiding Long Lines At Airport Thanks To Cinnabon PreCheck Memberships
ATLANTA—Taking advantage of the new service that saves time and undue stress, sources confirmed Monday that more…
Reddi-Wip Casually Announces Their Nozzles Can Easily Fit Into Most Orifices
CHICAGO—In a matter-of-fact press release addressed to “consumers who might be interested in this sort of thing,”…
Study Finds Mediterranean Diet Adds Years To Your Life, But Only By Taking Them Away From Others
SOUTH KINGSTOWN, RI—Researchers at the University of Rhode Island published a study Friday revealing that the…
Dunkin’ Donuts Unveils New Seasonal Rotting Jack-O’-Lantern Latte For End Of Fall
CANTON, MA—Touting the beverage as the perfect drink for those frigid, gray November mornings, Dunkin’ Donuts unveiled…
Increasingly Paranoid Campbell’s Begins Stockpiling All Its Soup To Prepare For Doomsday
CAMDEN, NJ—In a move that has left grocery store shelves empty across North America, an increasingly paranoid…
‘Once They Put Me On Cheeses, I Will Finally Be Happy,’ Says Costco Employee Handing Out Free Vienna Sausage Samples
WINCHESTER, VA—Attributing her current apathy to being stuck in the wholesaler’s remote canned goods aisle, Costco…
KIND Bar CEO Admits They Just Sort Of Find The Bars Like That
NEW YORK—Providing insight into the process by which the company creates its wildly successful line of health-oriented…
Mom Still Raving About Butternut Squash Ravioli She Tried 13 Years Ago
PORTSMOUTH, NH—Calling the dish one of the tastiest she’s had in some time, 61-year-old mom Karyn Stockton continued to…
U.S. Citizens: ‘We Love When Thing Taste Like Other Thing’
WASHINGTON—Calling the phenomenon “yummy yummy good,” the collective United States populace issued a statement…