Top 5 Most Potent Celery Strains
I Can No Longer In Good Conscience Eat Meat After Seeing That Tic-Tac-Toe-Playing Chicken At The County Fair
I’ve been a meat eater for 52 years. That’s the way my parents raised me. Chicken, pork, beef, lamb—I ate it all, never giving much thought to where my food actually came from. But something happened to me recently that changed all of that. I witnessed something so incredible, so profound, that I can truly say my…
Gwyneth Paltrow Reveals Secret To Her Healthy, Radiant Skin Eating 20 Pounds Of Kielbasa A Day
LOS ANGELES—Finally divulging the most sought-after of her many beauty and wellness methods, Gwyneth Paltrow revealed Wednesday that the secret to her healthy, radiant skin was nothing more than her consumption of 20 pounds of kielbasa a day. “There are so many easy changes you can make in your day-to-day routine that…
Server Unbelievably Touched To Be Asked Own Opinion On Whether Enchiladas Or Burger Better Choice
NOVI, MI—Vowing to give such an important request the respect it deserves, local Chili’s server Melissa Cortez told reporters Friday that she was unbelievably touched to be asked by a customer for her opinion on whether the enchiladas or burger was a better choice. “Oh, wow, for a lowly waiter like me to be asked by a…
Arby’s Releases Barbara Bush Tribute Edition Curly Fries
SANDY SPRINGS, GA—In an effort to honor the widely admired first lady, fast-casual chain Arby’s announced Wednesday that they’re releasing special edition curly fries packaged in a carton with the late Barbara Bush’s face alongside the words “In Remembrance” written tastefully in cursive. “We’re excited today to pay…
Sun Pacific Unveils New ‘Hotties’ Variety Of Voluptuous, Shapely Clementines
PASADENA, CA—Claiming that their sexy new citrus strain demonstrates their commitment to exploring new once-forbidden horizons in the commercial fruit market, Sun Pacific unveiled Friday a new “Hotties” variety of voluptuous, shapely clementines. “At Sun Pacific, we know that our customers dream of sinking into a…
New Restaurant Specializes In Trendy Japanese-Japanese Fusion Cuisine
SAN FRANCISCO—Declaring that his vaunted culinary insights most often come from the simple practice of combining diverse food cultures across the globe, avant-cuisine innovator and star restaurateur Victor Tobias announced Wednesday the opening of Teriyaki-San, his new restaurant specializing in cutting-edge…
Timeline Of Studies On The Effects Of Coffee
Coffee is the world’s third-most-popular beverage, and the scientific understanding of coffee’s effects on the body has changed many times over its history. The Onion reviews the health claims that have been attributed to coffee over the years.
‘Who Sent You Here,’ Whispers Woman To Big Tray Of Cheese Danishes Confronting Her In Break Room
NEW YORK—Her heart pounding, her hands balling reflexively into fists, and her eyes furtively darting around the room for potential witnesses to her confrontation with her old nemesis, systems analyst and supposedly former pastry enthusiast Katy Gilmartin found herself whispering “Who? Who sent you here?” to the large…
Embittered Raisin Won’t Shut Up About How It Could Have Been Wine
FRESNO, CA—Noting that the constant arrogant comments were starting to irritate the entire 22-ounce canister of dried fruit, sources reported Tuesday that an embittered raisin wouldn’t shut up about how, if only the right opportunity had come along, it could have been wine. “This raisin just goes on and on, telling us…
FDA Defends Decision To Reclassify Alternative Milks As ‘Nut Sweat’
SILVER SPRINGS, MD—Addressing concerns that the naming practice could unfairly bias consumers against the products, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration issued a statement Thursday strongly defending the decision to reclassify alternative milks as “nut sweat.” “While we hope this new labeling helps clarify shopping…
Papa John’s Founder Launches New Chain Of Fast-Casual Segregated Lunch Counters
LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to turn over a new leaf after being ousted from his own company last week, Papa John’s founder John Schnatter announced plans Wednesday to launch a new chain of fast-casual segregated lunch counters across the Deep South. “I just want to get back to the basics of making good, home-cooked…
Papa John’s Removes N-Word From Menus
JEFFERSONTOWN, KY—Apologizing for its use of the racial epithet, president and CEO of Papa John’s Pizza Steve Ritchie announced Thursday that the company would be removing the N-word from all restaurant menus. “No matter the context, there is no place for that offensive word in our ‘Create Your Own Pizza’ section or…
Hamburger Creeped Out By Eerie Soy Facsimile Of Itself On Grill
HARRISBURG, PA—Growing increasingly unnerved by the odd yet familiar patty, a hamburger on local man Bryan Greene’s backyard grill was reportedly creeped out Monday by its eerie soy facsimile cooking nearby on the grate. “My God...we’re so different, and still...so alike,” uttered the meat slab to its double, whose…
Dunkin’ Donuts Signs 10-Year Partnership To Be Exclusive Food Vendor Of United States
CANTON, MA—The United States of America signed Dunkin’ Donuts to a 10-year deal Wednesday naming the doughnut company and coffeehouse as the exclusive food vendor of the U.S. “We’re proud and excited to welcome the United States to the Dunkin’ family by agreeing to be their one and only source of nourishment through…
‘Cooking Together Is So Fun,’ Says Man Correcting Girlfriend’s Every Knife Cut
CHICAGO—Stepping back to appreciate the moment during a relaxing “couple’s night in,” local boyfriend Lucas Graham, 31, exclaimed Tuesday to his girlfriend, Sarah, “Cooking together is so fun!” before resuming his practice of meticulously correcting every single one of her knife cuts. “I mean, how nice is this? Just…
