Just like any relationship, friendships can reach a point where they’re not beneficial to both participants, but ending one gracefully can be complicated. The Onion offers the best tips for ending a friendship.

ST. LOUIS, MO—Explaining that the severity of the situation called for desperate and perhaps even borderline extreme measures, recently dumped woman Ruth Beneke, 26, called her wildest friend up from the bench of associates and acquaintances Thursday in order to help her ease the pain from a recent breakup. “I have so…

GALESBURG, IL—Baffled by the unusual pace of their classmate’s social involvement, residents at a Knox College dormitory observed Friday that fellow student Andrew Witte had a friend from home visiting way too soon. “Well, okay. We’ve only been here a couple weeks, and Drew already has a high school buddy crashing in…

HYANNIS, MA—Officially transferring authority for the duration of his planned absence, area man Will Lewis deputized his friend to order him another beer while he went to the restroom, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Hey, grab me another drink if the bartender comes back around,” said Lewis during a brief ceremony in…

BOSTON—Admitting he only knew the guy for “a couple weeks, tops,” local cardiac surgeon Dr. David Griffiths told reporters he was sorta bummed about losing his patient Brian Fields, but it’s not as if they were close or anything. “You never want to lose a patient on the operating table, but it’s not like I’m going to…

LAFAYETTE, LA—Noting that their close friend’s current musculoskeletal structure already provided ample evidence as to where and when certain wrinkles would appear later in life, eyewitnesses to the face of local woman Zoe Campbell, 31, confirmed Wednesday that it was pretty obvious what Campbell would look like old.…

ANN ARBOR, MI—Noting that the two had really seemed to hit it off at the neighborhood barbeque, Sheila Glaspy informed her husband Mark that he had made a brand-new friend, family sources confirmed Tuesday. “Wow, you had a great time talking to Dennis tonight,” Glaspy told her husband, commenting that Mark and his new…

CHICAGO—Noting that the gregarious bastard got pretty shy real damn quick once his little playmate disappeared, public transit sources confirmed Monday that a certain talkative motherfucker isn’t so extroverted now that his buddy has gotten off the train. “Well, well, well. Seems Mr. Conversation ain’t such a…

PRINCETON, NJ—Watching helplessly as his fellow partygoers moved on to a different topic of conversation, local man Greg Southerton reportedly abandoned the group Tuesday and directed the full force of his anecdote towards a single, nearby person. “Speaking of childhood pets, I had this pretty wild thing happen to my…

DENVER—Promising that it was really easy to get up there once you duck through the kitchen window, local man Alex Butler told his friends Thursday that you just have to climb a ladder, hop a 2-foot gap, and scale the wall to see the view from his apartment roof. “You won’t believe how great it looks up there guys,…

NAZARETH, PA—Sprinting down driveways and cutting through bushes to lock down the situation as quickly as possible, a group of 10-year-old first responders rushed to the stone-path scene of a single-vehicle BMX bike crash Wednesday to check out Tyler’s totally fucked-up leg. “Quick, guys! Call Trevor, get Brian,…

DENVER, CO—Insisting the turmoil didn’t need to stop just because the relationship had ended, local man Alex Ware was reportedly hopeful Monday that he and his ex-girlfriend could still be terrible, incompatible friends. “I understand that we’re a bad match romantically, but after everything we’ve been through, I…

JOLIET, IL—Purposefully whispering loud enough for everyone in the cafeteria to overhear, popular-girl sources reported Tuesday that the freak over there totally has the hots for you. “Don’t look now, but the freak is just staring at you,” reported Alicia, echoing the sentiments of Madison, Jayla, both Emmas, and Kait…

SEATTLE, WA—Calling on facts and information learned while listening to a podcast about the Watergate scandal the previous night, 38-year-old systems analyst Ryan Graham burst into a conversation about current events between coworkers Monday and, guns fucking blazing, unleashed the full force of his newfound…

AMHERST, MA—Noting the various clothes and belongings strewn across the scratched, dust-covered floor, friends of local man Kyle Gruvard reported Thursday that his apartment was nowhere near nice enough for him to be asking people to take their shoes off. “I don’t know who he thinks he’s fooling with this ‘no shoes’…

FAIRBANKS, AK—Though she was all geared up to complain about work when she went out for coffee Tuesday, local woman Laura Roman was reportedly forced to table any discussion of her frustrations after being sidelined by a friend with marital problems. “Goddammit, I was ready to blow off some serious steam about how…

CHICAGO—Crestfallen at the realization that an eagerly anticipated interaction with a fellow sidewalk occupant would merely be a scripted discussion designed to raise awareness and possibly funds for social issues, local woman Taylor Whitlock reported Tuesday that the potential new friend walking towards her with an…

RIVER FOREST, IL—Proposing that it might be kind of fun to share their life experiences with another person or persons, sources speculated Thursday that it would probably be nice having friends. “Gosh, it would probably be pretty cool to have a few select people in your life to do stuff with on a regular basis,” said…

NEW YORK—Considering and rejecting names at a rapid clip, local woman Michelle Alghabra mentally rifled through over a dozen friends Tuesday in search of the perfect person to sympathize with her latest petty conundrum. “Alison is usually my go-to for a sympathetic ear, but she might not see this as that big of a deal…

SAN DIEGO—Powerless to escape the frenzied women who had singled him out, area man Charles Wieland, a frail and solitary bystander, was reportedly targeted Wednesday by a pack of female friends who wanted their picture taken outside a local seafood restaurant. “Can you take our picture?” several of the women asked…