God Furious At Every Human Who Isn’t Actively Trying To Get As Fat As Possible Off Bounty He Provided

HEAVEN—Condemning the heretical rejection of His divine will by a blasphemously underweight mankind, God declared Himself furious toward every person not actively striving to become as fat as possible off the divine bounty He has provided for His people upon the Earth. “This is the land of milk and honey, and also of…

Aides Concerned Trump’s Mental Health Declining After President Admits He May Not Be Omnipotent Living God

WASHINGTON—Alarmed by the sudden change in his thinking and behavior, White House aides said Tuesday that they were concerned about President Trump’s declining mental health after he admitted he may not be an omnipotent living god. “The president has always been completely clearheaded about his status as the supreme…