Lisa Murkowski Admits She Thought Being Alaskan Senator Would Just Mean Having To Deal With Bears And Shit

WASHINGTON—Somewhat taken aback by her pivotal role in Brett Kavanaugh’s potential confirmation to the Supreme Court, Lisa Murkowski (R-AK) confessed to reporters Friday that she initially believed being an Alaskan senator would mean nothing more complex than “having to deal with bears and shit.” “Oh, man, I tell you…

Sen. Hatch Says Trump Allegations Not Serious Enough That Scales Should Fall From Eyes Revealing What Madness We Have Begotten

WASHINGTON—In the wake of Paul Manafort’s conviction and Michael Cohen’s guilty plea, Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) told reporters Thursday that the mounting allegations against President Trump are not yet serious enough to make the scales fall from the eyes of Republicans and allow them to behold the sheer shrieking…

Senate Republicans Promise There Will Be Plenty Of Time To Review Kavanaugh Writings When They Become Law Of Land

WASHINGTON—Denying that any attempt had been made to withhold information relevant to the Supreme Court confirmation process, Senate Republicans promised Wednesday there would be plenty of time to review Brett Kavanaugh’s writings once they had become the law of the land. “We’ll have an opportunity to thoroughly vet…

GOP Leaders Move Goalposts On Opposing Trump To Him Being Filmed Masturbating On U.S. Flag In Arlington Cemetery

WASHINGTON—Promising citizens that they would finally take action if the President crossed this new red line, GOP leaders announced Monday that they were moving their goalposts for opposing Trump to him being filmed masturbating on an American flag in Arlington National Cemetery. “After today’s attack on U.S.…