How FEMA Responds To Disasters
Since its implementation in 1979, the Federal Emergency Management Agency has served as the U.S. government’s main…
House Votes Against Trump’s National Emergency On Grounds That Only Congress Allowed To Misappropriate Funds
WASHINGTON—After passage of a bill to block President Trump’s use of a national emergency declaration to pay for a…
Chinese Man Worried You Can’t Have Respectful Debate About How Amazing Government Is Anymore
BEIJING—Lamenting the country’s widening political divide, local man Lei Chen admitted to feeling worried Friday that…
Pentagon Allocates $600,000 For Actual Gun Used In ‘Scarface’
WASHINGTON—In a military acquisition officials are calling “so fucking badass,” the Pentagon announced Monday that they…
USDA Just Doing Quick Smell Tests To Inspect All The Backlogged Meat That Piled Up During Shutdown
WASHINGTON—With the federal government back open this week, food safety officials at the U.S. Department of Agriculture…
340 Million Social Security Numbers Obtained By Federal Government In Massive Personal Data Breach
WASHINGTON—In what experts confirmed represents one of the largest violations of personal privacy in the nation’s…
Poll Finds 100% Of Americans Blame Shutdown Entirely On Colorado Representative Scott Tipton
WASHINGTON—A new Pew Research poll published Thursday revealed that 100 percent of Americans blame the United States…
Presumptuous Congressional Freshman Thinks She Can Just Come In And Represent Constituents
WASHINGTON—Strutting into the Capitol like she had some kind of electoral mandate, presumptuous congressional freshman…
Furloughed Federal Employee Starts Online Search For New Government
WASHINGTON—Saying that the ongoing shutdown, which has lasted nearly a month, had forced him to consider other options…
Ryan Zinke Apologizes For Misuse Of Government Funds By Sending Ethics Committee $160,000 Vase
WASHINGTON—Attempting to make amends for gross abuses of power during his time as Interior Department Secretary, an…
Department Of Interior To Control Rising Mole Population By Releasing Mallets Into National Parks
WASHINGTON—In an effort to curb the skyrocketing mole populations, officials at the U.S. Department of the Interior…
Authoritarian Secretary Of Transportation Declares She Has Ultimate Right Of Way In Every Traffic Scenario
WASHINGTON—Threatening to use her absolute power to run over anyone who dares stand in her way, authoritarian Secretary…
Senate Bill To End U.S. Role In Yemen War Rejected By House Raytheon Executives
WASHINGTON—In a move greatly reducing the possibility that the measure will receive support in the lower chamber of…
Open-Ended New Bill Criminalizes Whatever Black People Up To Right Now
WASHINGTON—Saying the measure would provide a substantial boon to police departments nationwide, members of the House…
Nancy Pelosi Planning To Reenergize House By Injecting Self With Blood Of Young Representatives
WASHINGTON—Expressing her excitement at the influx of newly elected progressives in Congress, Nancy Pelosi told…
Surgeon General Confirms A Bit Of Blow Here And There Won’t Kill Ya
WASHINGTON—In a statement marking a reversal of opinion on a previously maligned narcotic stimulant, United States…
Department Of Interior Reopens National Parks After Filling In All Canyons Posing Hazardous Fall Risk To Visitors
WASHINGTON—Apologizing for the delay as they worked to correct the dangerous oversight, the U.S. Department of the…
CDC Introduces ‘Raw Dog’ The STI Pup To Educate Children About The Dangers Of Unprotected Sex
ATLANTA—In an effort to introduce the subject in a fun and kid-friendly way, the Centers for Disease Control and…