BROWNSVILLE, TXâRacking his brain for something that he could say to stop the child from crying, ICE agent Don Neville was reportedly trying Monday to think of a fun name for a jail cell before locking up a 5-year-old immigrant. âI really thought it would work when I told him he was going to the âfun cave,â but heâŚ
PHOENIXâRemarking that he wished to one day care so much about another person, Immigrations and Customs Enforcement agent Matthew Howe decided Thursday that he wants to have kids of his own after seeing the love and devotion of the immigrant parents begging him not to take their child. âI always said kids werenât forâŚ
WASHINGTONâExplaining the strategy behind the recent domestic deployment of their new geological weapon, U.S. military officials released a statement Friday defending their much-criticized decision to test the Kilauea volcano on Hawaiian civilians. âThe defense of our nation is paramount, and as recently as lastâŚ
FORT MEADE, MDâTaken aback by the brazen attempt to cripple the U.S. national security apparatus, high-ranking officials at the National Security Agency reportedly spent Wednesday morning scrambling to reestablish the whereabouts of a man who had covered his laptop camera with a piece of electrical tape. âDammit,âŚ
WASHINGTONâIn an effort to provide the most accurate possible picture of the nationâs demographics, the Director of the U.S. Census Bureau Ron Jarmin called for an updated population report Friday after realizing he had completely forgotten to count himself. âThis is a bit embarrassing, but it looks like I neglectedâŚ
WASHINGTONâAfter it was discovered that hundreds of thousands of the state-sanctioned radar systems had short circuited, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued a recall of the flu vaccine Friday due to defective government tracking microchips. âIn response to reports that devices planted in the serumâŚ
MINNEAPOLISâIn an effort to pay tribute to the influential pop starâs legacy, the U.S. Postal Service unveiled a new line of commemorative Prince-inspired postal workers Friday. âOur latest series of limited-edition postal workers highlights all of Princeâs legendary career, from his smoldering white-ruffled blouseâŚ
WASHINGTONâRocking back and forth in his chair and openly weeping, a dirty, disheveled EPA administrator Scott Pruitt confessed during testimony before the House Appropriations committee Thursday that he had spent the last of his departmentâs funding weeks ago. âItâs gone, all gone, every penny of itâpoof, just likeâŚ
SUITLAND, MDâHaving âgotten the scoopâ from with-it locals in every geographic region of the country, the U.S. Census Bureau Monday released its 2018 Federal Report On Neighborhood Vibes. âThe majority of boroughs considered chill in 2017 maintained their cool, laid-back atmosphere, while most of those on the weirderâŚ
WASHINGTONâSaying the measure was necessary to provide more thorough statistical data on the countryâs populace, the U.S. Department of Commerce announced Tuesday that a question asking participants to identify any unpatriotic neighbors was added to the 2020 decennial census. âThis will aid the U.S. Census Bureau inâŚ
WASHINGTONâFollowing months of analysis into the animalâs stunning good looks, the Food and Drug Administration announced Monday that genetically modified salmon are far too handsome to eat. âAfter several rounds of clinical testing, we have determined that these genetically altered fish are safe for humanâŚ
YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CAâHailing it as an exciting new way to experience the park in all its glory, Yosemite National Park announced Friday that it had completed construction of a new six-lane scenic driving trail. âWeâre proud to announce the opening of our new six-lane Sierra Heritage Supertrail, which will traverseâŚ
WASHINGTONâAdmitting that his competitive spirit got the best of him, Secretary of Energy Rick Perry apologized Friday for trying to outdo his fellow cabinet members by spending $72 million of taxpayer money on a lampshade. âI deeply and sincerely regret becoming swept up in the office-decorating fervor of myâŚ
WASHINGTONâAcknowledging the gender discrimination she faced in her field before receiving President Trumpâs nomination to become the first female director of the CIA, career intelligence officer Gina Haspel recalled Tuesday having to torture many more prisoners than her male colleagues to prove herself. âFor a longâŚ
