WASHINGTONâExpressing her excitement at the influx of newly elected progressives in Congress, Nancy Pelosi told reporters Wednesday of her plans to reenergize the House of Representatives by injecting herself with the blood of her partyâs young members. âIâm really looking forward to improving the vitality of ourâŚ
WASHINGTONâIn a statement marking a reversal of opinion on a previously maligned narcotic stimulant, United States surgeon general Dr. Jerome Adams confirmed Tuesday that occasionally indulging in a bit of blow here and there would not, in fact, kill you. âWhile it should go without saying that the surgeon generalâsâŚ
WASHINGTONâApologizing for the delay as they worked to correct the dangerous oversight, the U.S. Department of the Interior announced Thursday that they had reopened the countryâs national parks after finally filling in all the canyons posing hazardous fall risks to visitors. âWe are proud to announce that weâveâŚ
ATLANTAâIn an effort to introduce the subject in a fun and kid-friendly way, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Friday the launch of its new âRaw Dog the STI Pupâ campaign, which warns young children about the dangers of unprotected sex.
ATLANTAâInforming the more than 150 million Americans affected by the error that the mistake was âtotally our bad,â embarrassed officials from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Thursday that they had accidentally switched all 2018 flu shots with samples of HIV. âOh, god, we really and trulyâŚ
WASHINGTONâDismissing the individuals in question as lacking the depth of character necessary to pose a credible national security threat, Homeland Security director Kirstjen Nielsen released a watch list Tuesday of terrorists who donât have the balls to participate in a direct attack on the United States. âThe menâŚ
SAN JUAN, PUERTO RICOâMore than a year after the U.S. territory was left devastated in the wake of Hurricane Maria, experts say that the island of Puerto Rico, along with the 3.7 million U.S. citizens who live there, will remain extremely vulnerable to U.S. governments in the foreseeable future. âThis is the worstâŚ
GREENVILLE, NCâAs the massive, potentially life-threatening storm began to make landfall in the Carolinas Thursday morning, officials from the Federal Emergency Management Agency were reportedly panicking after realizing they accidentally evacuated 1 million residents in the direction of Hurricane Florence. âOh God,âŚ
WASHINGTONâWorking around the clock to prepare for the Category 4 storm heading toward the Carolina coast, officials at the Federal Emergency Management Agency confirmed Tuesday they were frantically writing the apologies they will issue for screwing up their response to Hurricane Florence. âThis is going to be big,âŚ
WASHINGTONâDeclaring the rapid decrease in the population of several endangered species âproblematic,â Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke called for new legislation Thursday designed to slow the destruction of the nationâs wildlife so that he might relish every last minute of its extinction. âWe need to preserveâŚ
WASHINGTONâTearing up while describing how insufficient government funding often fails to cover the cost of essential materials, Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos revealed Monday that she was forced to use her own salary to purchase supplies for her yacht. âPeople are under the false impression that yachts come fullyâŚ
WASHINGTONâQ, the pseudonymous individual who for the last several months has released classified information about high-ranking government officials and the deep state, reportedly tendered his resignation from the U.S. Department of Agriculture Tuesday after failing to properly file an expense report. âI want toâŚ
WASHINGTONâStanding firm in his commitment to one of the nationâs guiding principles, Attorney General Jeff Sessions went on record Wednesday vowing to protect the deeply held religious bigotry of all Americans. âDating back to colonial times, America has been a place where individuals are free to live in accordanceâŚ
GENEVAâIn an effort to prevent people from falling into the same dangerous habits, the sudden and tragic death of the worldâs oldest woman, Chiyo Miyako prompted the World Health Organization to issue an official warning Friday against eating fish every day and staying active, the 117-year-oldâs most widely knownâŚ
WASHINGTONâClaiming that the United States Deputy Attorney General had failed to uphold his oath of office, 11 Congressional conservatives reportedly introduced a resolution Thursday to impale Rod Rosenstein. âMr. Rosensteinâs tenure has been marked by rampant partisanship, leaving us with no choice but to moveâŚ
