LocalLocalBoyfriend Announces Kneecap Apparently Worst Place To Get ShotCLEVELAND—Claiming to have received the information from “seriously legit” sources, local boyfriend Eric Armour…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefTexas Voters Line Up To Shoot Ballots At Local Election RangeCANYON, TX—Loading their firearms with enough ammo to mark their preferred candidates for each race, Texas voters…
LocalLocalNeighbors Remember Shooter As Regular Guy Who Loved Unhinged Extremist RhetoricHUDSON, VA—In the aftermath of a mass shooting that left two people dead and several others badly injured, neighbors…
LocalLocalFather Reminds Child He Should Never Ever Handle Gun Unless He’s Super BoredJASPER, IN—Stressing the firearm was for “emergencies only,” local father Kenny Webb reminded his son Nolan that he…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefSelf-Defense Experts Say Pushing Assailant’s Gun Against Own Forehead Still Best Way To Show You Don’t Care Whether You Live Or DieWASHINGTON—Emphasizing the unmistakable clarity of the dramatic conflict resolution maneuver, top self-defense…
Onion Public RadioPodcastsThe TopicalOnion Public RadioPodcastsThe TopicalNRA Issues ‘F’ Rating To Bugs Bunny For Tying Up Guns Into Pretzel ShapeHear why the NRA believes Bugs Bunny’s long history of curtailing the Second Amendment rights of Elmer Fudd and…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefBlue Lives Matter Supporters Say Kyle Rittenhouse Not Reflective Of Most Peaceful Apologists For Police StateNEW YORK—After an AR-15-wielding teenager was charged with the first-degree murder of two protesters in Kenosha, WI,…
Breaking NewsNews In PhotosBreaking NewsNews In PhotosArrested Kenosha Shooter Given One Phone Call To Tucker Carlson Show
LocalLocalMan Worried He’s Not Caring And Responsible Enough To Be Parent After Cat He Adopted Shoots Up Middle SchoolYELLOW SPRINGS, OH—Expressing concern that the actions of the feline had exposed deficiencies in his parenting…
EntertainmentEntertainmentMan Withholding Judgment On Megan Thee Stallion Shooting Until Hearing Gun’s Side Of The StoryDALLAS—Refusing to assign blame before all the facts were in, local rap fan Cole Franklin confirmed Friday that he…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefApple Brings Back Pistol Emoji For Users Who Complete Gun Emoji Safety CourseCUPERTINO, CA—Reaffirming the company’s commitment to responsible texting, Apple announced plans Wednesday to bring…
Breaking NewsNews In PhotosBreaking NewsNews In PhotosNumber-One Cause Of Domestic Violence Needs A Gun To Protect His Family
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefHeavily Armed Self-Help Gurus Demand America Reopens Their HeartsWASHINGTON—Following months of lockdown due to the Covid-19 pandemic, an angry mob of heavily armed self-help gurus…
LocalLocalExhausted Parents Struggling To Limit Child’s Time Using GunDENVER—Following weeks of being continually sheltered in place with the 4-year-old, exhausted parents Josh and…
Breaking NewsNews In PhotosBreaking NewsNews In PhotosRemington Releases .000009 Millimeter Anti-Viral Bullet
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In Brief‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly HappensMILWAUKEE—In the hours following a violent rampage in Wisconsin in which a lone attacker killed five individuals,…
LocalLocalArmed Teacher Rehearses Shooting Wall, Gunman, 3 Students During Active Shooter DrillCHANCELLOR, SD—Walking carefully through each step so she would be prepared to act under pressure, armed teacher…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefDemon Kicking Self For Inhabiting Child When He Could’ve Possessed Someone Who Could Buy A GunGUILFORD, CT—Disappointed that his efforts thus far could best be defined as minor mischief, the cacodemon Artaraz,…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefReport Confirms That Being Unable To Keep Track Of Mass Shootings Technically Counts As Not Giving Attention To ShootersCAMBRIDGE, MA—Stressing that it was by no means an ideal solution to the issue, a report released Tuesday by…
LocalLocalCrack Of Gunfire Resounding Through Office Gives Woman Perfect Cover She Needs To Bite Into Crisp AppleDALLAS—Seizing a rare opportunity to finally enjoy lunch without distracting her coworkers, Cranston & Digby…