BAKERSFIELD, CA—In the hours following a violent rampage in California in which a lone attacker killed six individuals, including himself, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Thursday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place.…
DALLAS—Insisting that every law enforcement official in America would have done the exact same thing if put in her situation, Dallas officer Amber Guyger claimed Monday that anyone could have mistaken a black man’s apartment for a dangerous firearm. “Listen, when your instincts kick in and your adrenaline is pumping,…
FAIRFAX, VA—Expressing immense gratitude for their role in normalizing and promoting the pursuits of marginalized people, the National Alliance on Mental Illness issued a statement Thursday praising the National Rifle Association for decreasing the stigma around mentally ill people acquiring firearms. “There are still…
TALLAHASSEE, FL—In the aftermath of three deaths in a Jacksonville incident that represented the state’s 22nd mass shooting in 2018 alone, Florida officials announced Monday that they had passed a strict ban on being unarmed. “It is abundantly clear that something must be done to stop gun violence in Florida, which is…
CHICAGO—In the wake of gun violence across the city that left 12 people dead over a single weekend, frustrated Mayor Rahm Emanuel was reportedly torn Tuesday between addressing Chicago’s shootings and just fucking going for the title of nation’s murder capital. “Look, things are tough right now, and it’s time for us…
FAIRFAX, VA—Claiming its finances are in peril following regulatory actions by the State of New York, the National Rifle Association told staff members Tuesday it has been forced to cut operational costs by shooting dozens of the gun advocacy group’s redundant employees. “Faced with difficult financial realities, we…
PAWTUCKET, RI—In a move designed to capitalize on the company’s successful five-decade legacy of quality foam weaponry, representatives from Hasbro armaments subsidiary Nerf announced Thursday that they would be diversifying their line of dart, disc, and ball launchers to include actual firearms. “We cannot emphasize…
FAIRFAX, VA—Saying the schematics were already available on numerous file-sharing sites across the web, the National Rifle Association announced Tuesday it had released online blueprints that, for the first time ever, will allow citizens to print 3D gun lobbyists in their own homes. “Anyone with internet access and…
BILLINGS, MO—Finding himself increasingly uncertain as to the purpose of his substantial cache of military-grade firearms, Billings resident Greg Carnes admitted Tuesday that he was unable to remember whether the 20 rifles he’d stockpiled were meant to aid in armed rebellion against the government or prevent the same.…
SANTA FE, TX—In the hours following a violent rampage in Texas in which a lone attacker killed eight individuals and seriously injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Friday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from…
NEW YORK—In a discovery that flies in the face of conventional law enforcement wisdom of what does and does not constitute a deadly firearm, weapons and non-weapons experts alike reported Thursday that an array of objects including but not limited to steel pipes, wallets, and cell phones are not, in fact, guns. “After…
WASHINGTON—Claiming the nationally celebrated students should be disqualified from taking any stance on the issue, Fox News host Laura Ingraham said Friday that protesting Parkland high schoolers are insufficiently knowledgeable concerning guns to criticize Nicholas Cruz. “These are just ignorant kids who don’t know…
CUPERTINO, CA—Explaining that they took immediate action against what they perceived to be a threat, local police officers repeatedly shot Apple CEO Tim Cook after mistaking an iPhone he was holding for a gun, sources confirmed Thursday. “Law enforcement saw the suspect reach into his pocket and take out what looked…
WASHINGTON—Cheering, yelling, and generally running rampant through the nation’s capital, a group of teens were reportedly spending a wild spring break in Washington, D.C. Tuesday begging lawmakers for their lives. “These kids are all over the place, showing no restraint whatsoever while pleading with their…
DALLAS—Contemplating how pivoting away from her hardline pro-gun stance might boost her career, National Rifle Association spokeswoman Dana Loesch was reportedly rethinking her loyalties Monday after witnessing the sheer amount of airtime teen anti-gun activists had garnered in recent weeks. “These Parkland kids are…
FAIRFAX, VA—In response to the March For Our Lives protest led by student activists who survived the Stoneman Douglas High School shooting, the National Rifle Association reportedly issued a statement Monday calling for more common-sense gun deaths. “Now, more than ever, what we need are more shooting deaths resulting…
FAIRFAX, VA—Reminding them to appreciate the lifetime of memories they will never forget, the National Rifle Association announced Monday that Parkland students should be grateful to guns for giving them such an unforgettable bonding experience. “These protesting students should be thankful to guns for an exciting…
OKLAHOMA CITY—Even after pulling an all-nighter and trying dozens of options, director Bryan Jenkins of the National Rifle Association’s longtime ad agency Ackerman McQueen was reportedly still searching Wednesday for just the right sinister music to play over footage of high school students. “We’ve been at it for…
WASHINGTON—Explaining that there was no one-size-fits-all solution to the problem, Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos reportedly argued Monday that the issue of guns in schools should be fully left up to the individual shooters. “It’s not the role of the federal government to step in and dictate whether firearms in…
