Man With No Real-Life Career Goals Knows Exact Job He’d Want In Harry Potter Universe

CLARKSVILLE, TN—Noting that he had spent a significant amount of time reflecting on the matter, sources confirmed Friday that 28-year-old local man Nathan Whalen, who has no real-life career goals whatsoever, knows exactly which job he’d want in the Harry Potter universe. “I definitely think I would be a wandmaker,…

Man Going To Show Up To Launch Of J.K. Rowling's New Book Dressed As Severus Snape Anyway

SEAFORD, DE—Disregarding the fact that the novel has nothing to do with Harry Potter or wizardry, local man Quincy Basset, 33, announced his plan to line up for the release of J.K. Rowling’s The Casual Vacancy dressed as Severus Snape anyway. “Fuck it, I don’t care if he’s not in the book,” said Basset, donning his…