Voyeur Researchers Recommend At Least 7 Hours Of Watching Someone Sleep Per Night
ANN ARBOR, MI—Emphasizing that their subjects felt healthier, more energetic, and oh, so satisfied the next morning,…
Frat Nutritionists Dare Americans To Swallow More Live Goldfish
NORMAN, OK—Claiming that the average person needs to just man the fuck up and do it already, frat nutritionists…
Woman Trying To Wean Self Off Coffee By Switching To Long Island Iced Tea
LOS ANGELES—Saying that the reduction in her daily caffeine intake had markedly improved her overall mood and outlook,…
Report: Those Sensors That Flush Public Toilets Were Also Cameras This Whole Time
NEW YORK—A report published Monday by researchers at the Journal Of Public Health Management And Practice revealed…
Nation’s Gynecologists Assure Women That Whatever Gets Stuck In There They Can Get Out
Rochester, MN—In an effort to mollify patients’ fears about their reproductive health, the nation’s gynecologists held…
Pfizer Unveils New Double-Sided EpiPen For Lovers
NEW YORK—Marketing the emergency auto-injector as the perfect product for romantic evenings when you and a partner go…
Surgeon General Confirms A Bit Of Blow Here And There Won’t Kill Ya
WASHINGTON—In a statement marking a reversal of opinion on a previously maligned narcotic stimulant, United States…
Study Finds Mediterranean Diet Adds Years To Your Life, But Only By Taking Them Away From Others
SOUTH KINGSTOWN, RI—Researchers at the University of Rhode Island published a study Friday revealing that the…
Doctor Advises Man With Healthy Blood Pressure To Really Fucking Let It Rip
CENTENNIAL, CO—Noting that he typically advises anyone under 120 over 80 to go apeshit, local internist Dr. Alan Thal…
Report: Rash Not Going Away On Its Own
SAN FRANCISCO—Noting no improvements since suddenly appearing on his left arm several weeks ago, a detailed report…
New Study Shows Majority Of Late Afternoon Sleepiness At Work Caused By Undetected Carbon Monoxide Leak
WASHINGTON—Investigating a sudden uptick in nationwide on-the-job somnolence, the United States Occupational Safety and…
CDC Introduces ‘Raw Dog’ The STI Pup To Educate Children About The Dangers Of Unprotected Sex
ATLANTA—In an effort to introduce the subject in a fun and kid-friendly way, the Centers for Disease Control and…
Report: Logan’s Mom Put Him On A Diet
TERRE HAUTE, IN—Noting the dramatic change in snacks and beverages made available at the Pisinski household, sleepover…
Study Finds Effectiveness Of Medical Treatment Skyrockets When Doctor Acts Like Condescending Dick
BALTIMORE—A study published Thursday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University found that the effectiveness of medical…
Embarrassed CDC Announces It Accidentally Switched Flu Shots With HIV
ATLANTA—Informing the more than 150 million Americans affected by the error that the mistake was “totally our bad,”…
U.S. Public Health Service Estimates They’ll Have Tuskegee Experiment Wrapped Up By 2020
WASHINGTON—Assuring critics that the study would provide valuable information on the spread of sexually transmitted…
Excited Patient Points Out Organ He Wants From Kidney Tank In Hospital Lobby
SEATTLE—Exuberantly tapping the glass of the murky case as he tried to attract the attention of hospital staff,…