WASHINGTON—In a statement marking a reversal of opinion on a previously maligned narcotic stimulant, United States surgeon general Dr. Jerome Adams confirmed Tuesday that occasionally indulging in a bit of blow here and there would not, in fact, kill you. “While it should go without saying that the surgeon general’s…
SOUTH KINGSTOWN, RI—Researchers at the University of Rhode Island published a study Friday revealing that the Mediterranean diet can, in fact, add years to one’s life, but only by taking them away from others. “Our study confirms that a diet rich in foods such as olive oil, fish, and green vegetables can extend one’s…
CENTENNIAL, CO—Noting that he typically advises anyone under 120 over 80 to go apeshit, local internist Dr. Alan Thal told patient Matt Richards Friday that his blood pressure read fairly normal, so he should really fucking let it rip. “Well, Mr. Richards, you’re at 118 over 74. That means do whatever the hell you…
SAN FRANCISCO—Noting no improvements since suddenly appearing on his left arm several weeks ago, a detailed report released Tuesday by local man Derrick Hart revealed that his rash was not going away. “I don’t know what it’s from, but now it’s starting to hurt,” said Hart, explaining that he first noticed the skin…
WASHINGTON—Investigating a sudden uptick in nationwide on-the-job somnolence, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration released a study Monday showing that the majority of late afternoon sleepiness in the American workplace is in fact caused by an undetected carbon monoxide leak. “Our…
ATLANTA—In an effort to introduce the subject in a fun and kid-friendly way, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Friday the launch of its new “Raw Dog the STI Pup” campaign, which warns young children about the dangers of unprotected sex.
TERRE HAUTE, IN—Noting the dramatic change in snacks and beverages made available at the Pisinski household, sleepover sources confirmed Friday that Logan’s mom had put him on a diet. “He’s not allowed to have any soda or candy, plus his mom put all the bags of chips way up high in the pantry so he can’t reach them,”…
BALTIMORE—A study published Thursday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University found that the effectiveness of medical treatment skyrockets when the doctor acts like a condescending dick. “Our research proves that a patient’s long-term prognosis is directly and positively tied to having an MD who is an unrepentant,…
ATLANTA—Informing the more than 150 million Americans affected by the error that the mistake was “totally our bad,” embarrassed officials from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Thursday that they had accidentally switched all 2018 flu shots with samples of HIV. “Oh, god, we really and truly…
WASHINGTON—Assuring critics that the study would provide valuable information on the spread of sexually transmitted infections in rural populations, the U.S. Public Health Service announced Wednesday that they estimate to have the Tuskegee Study of Untreated Syphilis in the Negro Male wrapped up by the year 2020.…
SEATTLE—Exuberantly tapping the glass of the murky case as he tried to attract the attention of hospital staff, transplant patient Robert McCarthy appeared to be barely able to contain his excitement Tuesday while gesturing to the organ he wanted in the surgical wing lobby’s fresh kidney tank. “I want that one, the…
CAMBRIDGE—Admitting that setting clear goalposts would help them with their tendency to procrastinate, scientists at Harvard University who work better under a deadline announced Tuesday that a cure for cancer was only 10 years away. “Okay, we’re coming out and saying, right now, that cancer will be completely…
INDIANAPOLIS, IN—Saying the groundbreaking discovery could potentially silence even their fiercest critics, scientists at Indiana University’s School of Medicine announced Tuesday that they had almost developed a life-saving vaccine that they could rub in the faces of all their doubters. “This injection, once it is…
TUCSON, AZ—While discussing the long-sought secrets of luminous, blemish-free skin, dermatologist Dr. Risa Helene strongly recommended Wednesday that patients commit to a routine of not caring so much what other people think. “The best treatment out there—far healthier than vitamin-rich creams or clinically tested…
WASHINGTON—As part of their ongoing mission to keep their classifications updated with the most recent available findings, the American Psychiatric Association announced Thursday the supplemental addition of “Obsessive Categorization of Mental Conditions” to the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual…
MISHAWAKA, IN—After thoroughly testing its alcohol metabolization and blood-cleansing properties with a 1.75-liter bottle of Cutty Sark, sales manager Randall Young confirmed Thursday that his new liver could really handle its scotch. “I had no idea how bad my old liver was until I tried this one,” Young said of the…
OMAHA, NE—In support of all those whose bodily fluids have been discriminated against, courageous heterosexual Calvin Woodruff revealed Friday that in order to stand in solidarity with gay men, he has never donated blood to the Red Cross. “I haven’t given an ounce of O-positive in 15 years, and I won’t start until the…
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