Health Insurance CEO Reveals Key To Company’s Success Is Not Paying For Customers’ Medical Care

HARTFORD, CT—During a panel presentation about his company’s recent 76 percent quarterly profit spike, Aetna CEO Mark Bertolini disclosed Monday that the key to increasing earnings in an era of ballooning costs continues to hinge on not paying for customers’ medical care. “The secret to running a thriving…

Jamie Dimon Cites Relentless Desire To Watch A Person Die Up Close As Inspiration For Starting Healthcare Company

NEW YORK—While acknowledging that he hopes to improve upon many of the industry’s shortcomings, JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon stated Wednesday that his real inspiration for starting a new healthcare company is his deep-seated and unrelenting desire to see a fellow human being die up close. “Sure, I’m looking forward…

White House Announces Obamacare Exchange Now Only Accessible From Single Kiosk In Remote Iowa Cornfield

WASHINGTON—Stating that the new system is pursuant with the regulations laid out by the Affordable Care Act, the White House announced Friday that the government’s health insurance exchanges would now only be accessible from a single kiosk in a remote Iowa cornfield. “All Americans wishing to sign up for health…

Exhausted Trump Supporter Just Decides Massive Cuts To Healthcare Subsidies Reason He Voted For Him

BEAVER DAM, WI—In an effort to justify the recent set of executive orders the president signed earlier this week to dismantle the Affordable Care Act, exhausted Trump supporter Phil Holt reportedly just decided Friday that massive cuts to healthcare subsidies were the reason he voted as he did. “Ultimately increasing…

Babbling, Grinning Mitch McConnell Demands EMTs Loading Him On Stretcher Vote Yes On Healthcare Bill

WASHINGTON—A crazed grin spreading across his face as his eyes darted wildly from one paramedic to another, sources said Tuesday that a babbling Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell demanded that the EMTs loading him onto a stretcher outside the Capitol vote ‘Yes’ on the Graham-Cassidy healthcare bill. “Obamacare is…

Being A Senator Means Making Tough Decisions That Aren’t Always Popular, Smart, Politically Viable, Or Beneficial To Your Constituents

When Lindsey Graham and I released our healthcare bill earlier this month, we knew it would elicit a full-throated response. Citizens across this country are deeply concerned about such an important issue, and these days, you simply can’t talk about healthcare without stirring passionate emotions on either side.…

Experts Warn Repeated Attempts At Eradicating Obamacare May Have Created Ultra-Resistant Super Law

WASHINGTON—After persistent efforts by Republicans to wipe out the healthcare law over the past seven years, experts warned Wednesday that the repeated attempts at eradicating Obamacare may have created an ultra-resistant super law. “Given the frequency with which lawmakers have unsuccessfully tried to exterminate the…

Robed Mark Warner Infiltrates Secret Torchlit AHCA Ceremony Deep In Woods Behind Capitol

WASHINGTON—Staring in horror at the profane legislative ritual taking place around him, a robed Sen. Mark Warner (D-VA) reportedly infiltrated congressional Republicans’ secret, torchlit American Health Care Act ceremony deep in the woods behind the U.S. Capitol late Tuesday night. “I heard this eerie chanting as I…

Republican Congressman Terrifies Constituents Even More By Assuring Them He Read Every Part Of Healthcare Bill

WASHINGTON—Hours after casting his vote to repeal the Affordable Care Act and replace it with the GOP-authored American Health Care Act, Rep. Justin Amash (R-MI) reportedly terrified his constituents even further Friday by assuring them he had read every word of the newly passed healthcare bill. “I made sure to read…

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