Unearthed Cave Painting Of Wooly Mammoth, Saber-Tooth Tiger Reveals Humans Have Debated What Things Would Win In A Fight Since 30,000 B.C.

ARDÈCHE, FRANCE—Saying that the recently discovered figurative art sheds new light on prehistoric speculative conflict, archeologists working at France’s Chauvet-Pont-d’Arc Cave announced Friday the discovery of a 300-century-old painting of an adult European mammoth squaring off against five sabre-toothed tigers.…

Newly Uncovered Journals Reveal Alexander Graham Bell Invented Telephone As First Step In Consolidating All American Businesses Into Single Monopoly

BADDECK, NOVA SCOTIA—Researchers reportedly uncovered new journals Wednesday that revealed Alexander Graham Bell originally invented the telephone as the first step in consolidating all American businesses into a single monopoly. “Apparently overlooked until now, Bell’s papers indicate that from his earliest…

Kanye West: ‘I Would’ve Ridden Away From A Slave Plantation On A Motorcycle First Chance I Got’

LOS ANGELES—Insisting that the legal, centuries-long practice of slavery in America could never have limited his personal or artistic ambitions, Kanye West stated Wednesday that if he had been born into captivity, he would have simply escaped the plantation on his motorcycle “the first chance [he] got.” “If that slave…

Recently Discovered 13,000-Year-Old Footprints Reveal Humans Danced The Charleston Earlier Than First Thought

CALVERT ISLAND, BRITISH COLUMBIA—In a discovery that defies all current theories concerning when developing humans began to kick up their heels, researchers confirmed Tuesday that a recently discovered set of distinctively patterned footprints found preserved in 13,000-year-old Canadian mud may reveal humans danced…

Historians Say It Still A Mystery How People In Ancient Times Didn’t Just Go Crazy And Kill Themselves

LONDON—Citing the era’s indiscriminate violence, rampant disease, constant threat of famine, and near-total absence of personal hygiene, historians at the University of Cambridge reported Wednesday that it was still very much a mystery how people in ancient times didn’t just go crazy and fucking kill themselves.…