VATICAN CITY—In an effort to make the holiday as stress-free as possible for everyone, Pope Francis asked congregants gathered at St. Peter’s Basilica Thursday if it would be okay to just do a low-key Easter this year. “I know we usually get dressed up and make a big deal out of Easter, but wouldn’t it be nice if just…

BOSTON—Expressing concern for the well-being of the greater metropolitan area in light of their long history of irresponsible behavior, the populace of the United States gently suggested to Boston Thursday that perhaps they should take it easy this St. Patrick’s Day. “We want you guys to have fun and celebrate, but…

BROOKLYN, NY—Wearing a brand-new dress while carefully applying her makeup for the evening, local single woman Kelly Duval was reportedly getting all dolled up Sunday to watch a room full of people make out this New Year’s Eve. According to sources, Duval was going to great lengths to create big, bouncy curls in her…

HAVERHILL, MA—Doing his best to mask his disappointment that the package didn’t contain the cable-knit cashmere sweater he’d had his heart set on, local child Max Campbell reportedly spared his uncle’s feelings Friday by pretending to like the Xbox One X he received as a gift. “Thanks, Uncle Joe, I’ll definitely get a…

NEW YORK—Citing the limited household budgets of many young married couples, a new report published Friday estimates that more Americans than ever this Christmas will be forced to sell a gold watch inherited from their father in order to buy a set of fine combs for their wife’s beautiful hair. “Wages have remained…

I’ve had it up to here with people trying to censor our nation’s most sacred traditions. In the name of so-called “inclusivity,” they go tearing up what remains of our Christian roots, making regular, everyday Americans like me feel like outcasts. It’s time for this sacrilege in our public lives to stop. Lately, it’s…

LUBBOCK, TX—Placing the remainder well out of sight where he wouldn’t be tempted, local man Ben Hart told reporters Wednesday that he finally managed to stop himself after eating three advent calendars. “I said I’d only eat one, but these things are so addicting that I just started popping them in my mouth without…

YPSILANTI, MI—Preparing to bear the brunt of the lonely winter vacation, a 10-pack of Swiss Miss hot chocolate was reportedly bracing itself Monday to shoulder the burden of holding together local man Josh Hesford’s depressing holiday alone. “Okay, it’s just me and him for the holidays, but don’t worry, you got this,”…

HOLLISTER, CA—Longing for the days when people understood the true meaning of the holiday, area man Steve Rocha told reporters Monday that he remembers a less politically correct time when Christmas was about honoring the glory of Saturn. “It was the one time a year when families would gather round the altar and…

MANISTIQUE, MI—Saying it was hard to imagine her Christmastime treats without the ingredient, area woman Geena Wolferman confirmed Monday that 92 percent of her holiday recipes involved pulverizing a bag of Oreos. “My go-to dessert is this chocolate pudding pie with an Oreo crust that absolutely everyone loves,” said…

With so much of the holiday season revolving around gift-giving, this time of year can be difficult if you’re trying to save money. Here are some tips for holiday shopping when you’re on a budget.