Report: 17 New Species Of Bacteria Found Every Day In World’s Rainforest Cafés

NASHVILLE, TN—A new report published Friday by researchers at Vanderbilt University revealed that 17 new species of bacteria are discovered every day during expeditions into the lush plastic foliage of the world’s Rainforest Cafés. “During our study, our researchers identified and classified more than 12,000…

Gaunt, Sickly Kirby Takes Leave Of Absence From Video Games Following Stomach Cancer Diagnosis

DREAM LAND—With large bags under his oval-shaped eyes and his skin a pallid shade of bubblegum pink, a gaunt, sickly Kirby announced Wednesday that he would be taking a leave of absence from video games after being diagnosed with stomach cancer. “After a biopsy by Dr. Mario discovered a series of tumors along my…