Breaking: America’s White Population Plummets To 2.7% After Trump Caves On Immigration Enforcement

WASHINGTON—In a stunning development unfolding rapidly throughout the once-predominantly Caucasian nation, America’s white population plummeted to 2.7 percent Wednesday following President Trump’s decision to cave on immigration enforcement. “The second that Trump showed weakness on immigration, people throughout…

Stephen Miller Furious At ProPublica For Only Releasing 7-Minute Recording Of Immigrant Children Sobbing

WASHINGTON—Claiming that the publication of such a brief, tantalizing bit of audio was a breach of their journalistic responsibility, a furious Stephen Miller told reporters Tuesday that he was outraged at ProPublica for only releasing seven minutes of immigrant children sobbing. “It’s unacceptable that this so-called…

Jeff Sessions Argues Family Separations Only Happening Because Current Law Doesn’t Allow Him To Strangle Immigrants With Bare Hands

WASHINGTON—In response to criticism of the Justice Department’s “zero tolerance” policy stripping migrant children away from their parents and placing them in detention centers, Attorney General Jeff Sessions argued Monday that family separations are only happening because current law doesn’t allow him to strangle…

ICE Agent Decides He Wants Kids After Seeing Incredible Love And Devotion Of Parents Begging Him Not To Take Their Child

PHOENIX—Remarking that he wished to one day care so much about another person, Immigrations and Customs Enforcement agent Matthew Howe decided Thursday that he wants to have kids of his own after seeing the love and devotion of the immigrant parents begging him not to take their child. “I always said kids weren’t for…

ICE Agents Feeling A Little Hurt That Trump Doesn’t Think They’re Doing Enough To Terrorize Hispanics

FLORENCE, AZ—Saying they’d like to see the National Guard try to do a better job, thousands of U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents told reporters Thursday that it kind of hurts their feelings to know President Trump doesn’t think they’re doing enough to terrorize Hispanic people. “He must not understand…