‘Try It Now,’ Shouts Gogo Internet Technician Standing On Plane Wing While Fixing In-Flight Wireless Connection

ATLANTA—Screaming as loudly as he could while army-crawling towards the “finicky” router, Gogo Internet technician Bart Corfield reportedly urged passengers to “try it now” Thursday while standing on the wing fixing their in-flight wireless connection. “I’m just going to turn it off and on real quick, and you guys…

Man Wondering If There Might Be Some Sort Of Website Featuring Footage Of Sexual Acts One May View For Purposes Of Self-Gratification

DAVENPORT, IA—Musing philosophically on the deeply pleasurable possibilities, local man and potential electronic voyeur Tanner Mitchell, 27, wondered Tuesday whether there existed some form of website featuring footage of live sexual acts that interested parties might view for the purposes of self-gratification. “It…

Nation Shudders To Think How Bad Things Would Seem If They Didn’t Have Access To A Never-Ending Torrent Of Free Pornography

WASHINGTON—Discouraged and demoralized almost to the breaking point by news of political corruption at the highest levels, images of migrant children still being kept in cages, time-lapse videos of disappearing polar ice caps, and a constant barrage of other relentlessly harrowing information, sources across the…

Man Insists Facebook Friend Actually Reads ‘Why Palestinians Are Sub-Human’ Article Before Commenting On It

DALLAS, TX—Describing his acquaintance’s backlash as intellectually dishonest, local man Gabe Weaver insisted Wednesday that his Facebook friend Matt Nathans reads the article he shared titled “Why Palestinians Are Sub-Human” before commenting on it. “Why don’t you actually examine the author’s carefully laid out…