DALLAS, TX—Describing his acquaintance’s backlash as intellectually dishonest, local man Gabe Weaver insisted Wednesday that his Facebook friend Matt Nathans reads the article he shared titled “Why Palestinians Are Sub-Human” before commenting on it. “Why don’t you actually examine the author’s carefully laid out…
NEW YORK—Explaining that downsizing was an unfortunate necessity in the challenging media landscape, FiveThirtyEight announced Friday that they would be laying off dozens of the site’s top algorithms. “While these data programs have provided readers with countless insights into sports and politics over the past few…
SACRAMENTO, CA—Discussing specifics of the investigation for the first time, Sacramento law enforcement officials confirmed Friday that after searching for over 40 years, they were able to pinpoint the “Golden State Killer” by tracing the owner of the “IAmTheGoldenStateKiller.com” website. “We caught a hot lead…
Cyberattacks continue to rise in frequency and scope, affecting everyone from private citizens to corporations to city governments, with frequently embarrassing or distressing results. The Onion takes a look at some key facts about cybercrime.
CHICAGO—Saying it was ultimately a small price to pay in exchange for the splendid spectacle that has followed, millions of Americans admitted Thursday that they didn’t really mind having their Facebook data stolen if it meant getting to watch that little fucker squirm. “Sure, it sucks that my private information was…
MENLO PARK, CA—In an effort to demonstrate the social media platform’s total commitment to profits, Mark Zuckerberg took to his personal Facebook page Thursday to promise that the company’s misuse of personal data will, as of now, happen again and again. “We have a responsibility to our users, and if we can’t…
MENLO PARK, CA—Boosting the popular articles much to its own chagrin, the Facebook algorithm was reportedly mortified Wednesday that it had to deliver up so much completely embarrassing news about its own company. “First with Cambridge Analytica and then with FB stock dropping, God, I’ve just had to promote countless…
WASHINGTON—Concluding they had finally located the smoking gun, 379,000 Reddit users are reported to have simultaneously developed the belief that they had found the missing link in the investigation into alleged ties between Russia and President Trump’s 2016 campaign. “This is it—this is going to blow everything wide…
MENLO PARK, CA—Responding to widespread criticism over the hoaxes and political disinformation featured on its platform, Facebook announced at a press conference Friday a new initiative to combat fake news by making the inaccurate stories on the social media site actually happen.
CHICAGO—Informing readers that it was one of the sole means for a digital publication to generate revenue, a report released Thursday indicated that The Onion doesn’t make any money if you don’t click the fucking link. “According to our findings, The Onion doesn’t receive a single goddamn cent unless you dipshits out…
MONTREAL, CANADA—In response to an outpouring of feedback from concerned families, pornographic website PornHub announced new parental controls Thursday to help users manage which hardcore, amateur, and fetish content their children see. “We understand that not all families share the same ideas about which filthy smut…
Twitter has come under increasing scrutiny for the way it handles user complaints, with some critics saying the social media site infringes on their free speech and others alleging it doesn’t go far enough. The Onion presents a step-by-step guide showing how Twitter addresses user complaints.
CANTON, OH—Noting the deep and genuine mutual fondness that fans of pornographic Japanese imagery have displayed in the site’s comments, posts, and private messages, sources confirmed Wednesday that popular hentai message board YourHentaiWorld was home to a surprisingly close-knit and supportive user community.…
BERKELEY, CA—Researchers at University of California-Berkeley discovered Friday that a reduction in Facebook use could be directly linked to one’s desire to be a happy and fully functioning person. “Our data indicate that there may, in fact, be a relationship between yearning to be a self-realized human who enjoys…
Crowdfunding has become a popular way to raise money from friends, family, and strangers for everything from artistic projects to medical expenses. The Onion presents a step-by-step guide to running a successful crowdfunding campaign:
