CORAL GABLES, FL—In an attempt to tell the story of his failed candidacy in his own words, former Florida governor Jeb Bush has rented out a local black box theater and debuted a one-man show that chronicles the tragedy of his 2016 presidential campaign, sources reported Thursday.

CORAL GABLES, FL—Staring unblinkingly ahead Thursday night as Donald Trump’s presidential acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention played on the television in front of him, former GOP candidate Jeb Bush reportedly whispered “Low-Energy Jeb” to himself while sitting alone in the dark. “Low-Energy Jeb;…

MIAMI―Speaking in hushed tones as they peered out at the derelict structure sitting vacant behind an empty, overgrown parking lot, spooked members of Sen. Marco Rubio’s presidential campaign were seen driving slowly past the abandoned headquarters of former candidate Jeb Bush last night. “Look at the debate prep notes…

CORAL GABLES, FL—Noting how he repeatedly stumbled over his words and struggled to formulate convincing and consistent responses when asked by his wife about how he slept and what he wanted to have for breakfast, sources confirmed Monday that former presidential candidate Jeb Bush bungled numerous questions on his…

CHARLESTON, SC—Pleading for more time as the group of men advanced on him in a Charleston alleyway, GOP presidential candidate Jeb Bush assured a gang of pipe-wielding thugs Thursday that he would have the delegates he had promised them by next week, sources reported. “Whoa, whoa, easy, fellas. I know I’m late on…

MANCHESTER, NH—Plunging into a downward spiral of despair and self-doubt after a poor showing in the Iowa caucuses, a demoralized Jeb Bush reportedly succumbed this week to New Hampshire’s ongoing heroin epidemic. “Unfortunately, Jeb has suffered a number of significant career setbacks and personal humiliations…

FORT WORTH, TX—Smiling softly as he closed the picture book he had been reading and looked down at his young grandson sound asleep, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush reportedly whispered into the toddler’s ear while tucking him into bed Wednesday night that no one would ever push him into running for…

HENNIKER, NH—Saying his performance in last night’s Iowa caucuses provided just the push he needed, advisors for Jeb Bush expressed their hope Tuesday that the Republican candidate has finally garnered enough momentum to end his presidential campaign. “If you look back across several weeks of polling data, you can see…

DES MOINES, IA—Slowly approaching the distraught, trembling presidential candidate before embracing him in a gentle hug, 42-year-old single mother Holly Sullivan comforted a sobbing Jeb Bush during a town hall forum, sources confirmed Friday. “It’s all going to be okay,” Sullivan said in a soothing voice after Bush…

MASON CITY, IA—Having carefully rehearsed their soundbites and readied their bus for one final month on the road, Jeb Bush’s presidential campaign reportedly kicked off a three-state farewell tour with a town hall meeting Monday before a gathered crowd of dozens. “We wanted to show moderate Republicans how much we’ve…

LAS VEGAS—His voice slowing during his response to a question about immigration as he struggled to comprehend what was happening to him, a visibly terrified Jeb Bush reportedly began to vanish from the visible spectrum while on stage at Tuesday night’s Republican debate. “Securing our nation’s borders has to be the…

WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Friday by the Pew Research Center, 23 percent of Americans would vote for Jeb Bush in the presidential election if the Republican candidate was standing directly beside them in the voting booth. “We surveyed over a thousand likely voters and found that nearly a quarter were…

BOULDER, CO—Speculating that he might be nudging it just a tiny bit with his foot or something, Americans viewing Wednesday’s Republican presidential debate said that candidate Jeb Bush appeared to be inching his podium closer to the center of the stage during the commercial breaks. “I definitely don’t think he was…

CONCORD, NH—Emphasizing the allure and appeal of the 30-foot length of electrical power cable that shared the stage with the former Florida governor, sources confirmed that an orange three-pronged extension cord completely stole the spotlight from Jeb Bush during a New Hampshire campaign rally Friday. “Jeb made some…

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Expressing satisfaction with the unexpected bump in his polling numbers, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush confirmed Monday that he was astonished by how easily his stance on removing the Confederate flag from the South Carolina Capitol set him apart from the rest of the GOP field. “When I…

Former Florida governor Jeb Bush announced his candidacy Monday for the Republican nomination in the 2016 presidential election, putting one of the early frontrunners in the polls officially into the race. Here are some key facts to know about Jeb Bush:

TAMPA, FL—According to sources on the floor of the Republican National Convention, former Florida governor Jeb Bush made his way through the crowd Wednesday afternoon to spread the word about a bad batch of Cialis that some guys were trying to sell out in the parking lot. “Don’t waste your money on any of that stuff…

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Governor Jeb Bush announced Monday that Florida has adopted the word "ravaged" as its official state adjective. "In the past decade, parts of Florida have been ravaged by hurricanes, political controversy, infestation, poverty, and crime," Bush said in a press conference. "What better way to describe…