Jeff Bezos Tables Latest Breakthrough Cost-Cutting Idea After Realizing It’s Just Slaves

SEATTLE—Deciding at the last minute to hold off due to ethical concerns, Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly set aside his latest cost-cutting initiative Wednesday after realizing it was actually human slavery. “On the surface, it seemed plausible—owning our employees’ bodies, implementing a mandatory 18-hour…

Dazed Jeff Bezos Realizes He Spent Entire Conversation Thinking About How To Automate Person Talking To Him

SEATTLE—Suddenly snapping back to attention, a dazed Jeff Bezos reportedly realized Thursday that he had spent an entire conversation thinking about how to automate the person talking to him. “Sorry, could you repeat that? I just lost focus for a second [as I indifferently watched you open and close your mouth,…

Jeff Bezos’ Heart Breaks A Little Reading Albany’s Amazon Headquarters Pitch

SEATTLE—Cringing as he scanned the section touting the city as the economic and cultural core of New York State’s Capital Region, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly felt his heart break a little while perusing Albany’s pitch to host the company’s new national headquarters, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Oh, jeez, you can…

Jeff Bezos Assures Amazon Employees That HR Working 100 Hours A Week To Address Their Complaints

SEATTLE—In response to accusations of an abusive workplace environment, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos assured employees Tuesday that the company’s human resources staff was working 100 hours a week to address their complaints. “I’ve heard your grievances, and I promise that HR is toiling 16 hours a day, plus weekends, until…