Jeff Sessions Argues Family Separations Only Happening Because Current Law Doesn’t Allow Him To Strangle Immigrants With Bare Hands

WASHINGTON—In response to criticism of the Justice Department’s “zero tolerance” policy stripping migrant children away from their parents and placing them in detention centers, Attorney General Jeff Sessions argued Monday that family separations are only happening because current law doesn’t allow him to strangle…

‘So What Did I Miss?’ Asks Michael Flynn Tilting Large Flower On Lapel Towards Trump

WASHINGTON—Strolling into the Oval Office and standing in close proximity to the president, former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn reportedly asked, “So, what did I miss?” Monday while meticulously tilting the large flower on his lapel towards Donald Trump. “Sorry I missed you these last nine months, but now…

Sullen Jeff Sessions Scrolls Through Minority Incarceration Statistics To Cheer Self Up

WASHINGTON—Needing a pick-me-up to shake his glum mood, Attorney General Jeff Sessions reportedly scrolled through some statistics about minority incarceration rates Thursday to cheer himself up. “African-Americans: 13 percent of overall population, 40 percent of population in jails or state or federal prisons,” said…

Sessions Drops Pile Of Weapons In Prison Yard Before Ordering Inmates To Reduce Overcrowding By 30%

ATMORE, AL—Telling the prison’s roughly 1,000 men that “today’s your lucky day,” Attorney General Jeff Sessions reportedly dropped a pile of weapons in Holman Correctional Facility’s main yard Wednesday before ordering inmates to reduce overcrowding by 30 percent. “Here’s the situation—we only got room for 700, so all…

Sessions Rattles Baton Along Prison Bars In Speech Vowing To Crack Down On Violent Crime

WAVERLY, VA—Saying the inmates had best listen up and listen good because he wasn’t about to repeat himself, Attorney General Jeff Sessions rattled his baton along a line of prison bars in Sussex 1 State Prison Wednesday as he gave a speech vowing to crack down on violent crime. “I am your new Attorney General, and it…

Heartbroken Russian Ambassador Thought Special Meetings With Jeff Sessions Were Very Memorable

WASHINGTON—Expressing surprise and sadness at Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ repeated denials of contact with Russian officials during the 2016 presidential campaign, heartbroken Ambassador Sergey Kislyak told reporters Thursday that he thought his special meetings with the then–Alabama senator were actually very…

Nation’s Schools To Ensure Bullied Transgender Students Hide In Stalls Of Bathrooms Corresponding To Biological Sex

WASHINGTON—Reversing federal guidelines to public schools issued by the Obama administration, Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced Thursday that states and local school districts would be charged with ensuring that bullied transgender students hide in bathroom stalls corresponding to their biological sex. “We need…