WASHINGTON—Saying she only had two years left to find a “real career,” White House Communications Director Hope Hicks was reportedly praying Friday that she wouldn’t be in the same shitty job by the time she hit 30. “Overseeing President Trump’s public relations strategy is fine for now as a placeholder, but if I’m…

NEW YORK—Believing she may be ready for a higher-level position within the company, a manager at Vidmark Interactive said Thursday that the time had quite possibly come to promote employee Megan Sharpe to the job she has already been doing for about two years now. “Megan’s been great, and I can really see her taking…

BOSTON—Touting its 100 percent success rate, administrators at job placement service Scion Employment Solutions explained to reporters Tuesday that they help students who fail out of their dad’s alma mater find work at their dad’s company. “We have an impeccable track record of assisting students who flunk out of the…

WASHINGTON—Returning to the private sector after eight years of service as presidential decoys, the White House’s team of surgically altered Barack Obama body doubles are reportedly struggling to find work since losing their jobs last month.

NEW YORK—Admitting they badly need to turn their business around, executives at struggling media company Vidmark Interactive confided to sources Tuesday that their situation has become so dire they may have to consider giving a job to someone who is actually qualified to hold it. “We’ve had such a difficult time…

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting. “Oh man, giving…

HAMPTON, VA—Explaining that his current employment situation is intended merely as a stopgap, local man Simon Goldinger, 23, confirmed Thursday that he only plans to wait tables until the fundamental structure of the American economy undergoes a complete overhaul.

SLATON, TX—Comforting grieving teammates and students left and right, Byron Meadows High School psychologist Mark Caldwell was said to be absolutely crushing it this week in the wake of a fatal varsity football injury. “Mark is on fire right now—he’s already met one-on-one with all of [junior wide receiver] Brett…

WASHINGTON—In an effort to improve America’s ranking in the global technology sector, the U.S. Department of Education unveiled a new STEM initiative Friday designed to discourage students in other countries from choosing careers in science and math.

NASHVILLE, TN—Her formerly cheerful voice suddenly becoming clipped and terse, Kroger morning supervisor Deanna Albas reportedly dropped her friendly cashier persona Thursday in order to address a struggling trainee. “Run the transaction over again—no, no, you void it first, and then I enter my code,” said Albas, who…

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their…

LOS ANGELES—Fondly imagining herself having her own cubicle in the office that will be rented out to a different business by spring, Cordcrusher Media intern Nicole Dunn, 21, told reporters Monday she’s hoping to land a full-time position at the company that will not exist in eight months. “Cordcrusher has a good…