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Hope Hicks Praying She Not Still In Same Shitty Job By Time She Hits 30

WASHINGTON—Saying she only had two years left to find a “real career,” White House Communications Director Hope Hicks was reportedly praying Friday that she wouldn’t be in the same shitty job by the time she hit 30. “Overseeing President Trump’s public relations strategy is fine for now as a placeholder, but if I’m…

Boss Thinks Female Employee Might Be Ready To Handle Job She’s Been Doing For Past 2 Years

NEW YORK—Believing she may be ready for a higher-level position within the company, a manager at Vidmark Interactive said Thursday that the time had quite possibly come to promote employee Megan Sharpe to the job she has already been doing for about two years now. “Megan’s been great, and I can really see her taking…

Job Placement Service Helps Students Who Fail Out Of Dad’s Alma Mater Find Work At Dad’s Company

BOSTON—Touting its 100 percent success rate, administrators at job placement service Scion Employment Solutions explained to reporters Tuesday that they help students who fail out of their dad’s alma mater find work at their dad’s company. “We have an impeccable track record of assisting students who flunk out of the…

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Biden Lines Up Sweet Summer Gig Installing Above-Ground Swimming Pools

WASHINGTON—Saying he would “make a killing while catching rays,” Vice President Joe Biden confirmed Friday he had lined up a “totally sweet” summer gig installing above-ground pools around the D.C. metro area. “It’s gonna kick ass—three whole months of workin’ on my tan, crankin’ tunes on my boombox, and bird-doggin’…