Jan 19 2017Slideshow1/19/17Slideshow1/19/17License To Negotiate: A Look Back At The Covert Operations Of Secretary Of State John Kerry
Jan 19 2017News in Brief1/19/17News in Brief1/19/17Shackled Kerry Looks On As Chechen Terror Leader Removes Mask To Reveal Scarred Face Of Former MentorGROZNY, RUSSIA—Coming eye to eye with the mysterious guerrilla mastermind he had been hunting for the past several…
Jan 13 2017News in Brief1/13/17News in Brief1/13/17Frantic John Kerry Looks On As Teresa Slowly Lowered Into Kim Jong-Un’s Electric Eel TankPYONGYANG—Bursting into the North Korean dictator’s central control room to find his wife suspended from a rope 40…
Jan 4 2017News in Brief1/4/17News in Brief1/4/17Bloodied, Bruised John Kerry Emerges Victorious At Kickboxing Tournament In Bangkok PrisonBANGKOK—Spitting out a broken tooth as his opponent lay motionless on the bare cement floor, a battered Secretary of…
Dec 5 2016News in Brief12/5/16News in Brief12/5/16John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child CompanionPANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with…
Nov 15 2016News in Brief11/15/16News in Brief11/15/16Gaunt, Weathered John Kerry Leads Prisoner Uprising In Siberian Labor CampNERCHINSK, RUSSIA—Quickly unlocking one cell door after another as he shuffled down the dimly lit hallway in his…
Oct 11 2016News in Brief10/11/16News in Brief10/11/16John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of MonitorsBOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal…
Sep 9 2016News in Brief9/9/16News in Brief9/9/16‘The Case, Mr. Kerry, Give Me The Case,’ Demands Malaysian Ambassador Holding Dangling John Kerry From Petronas Towers SkybridgeKUALA LUMPUR, MALAYSIA—Telling the U.S. secretary of state this was his final chance to hand over the briefcase he…
Jun 20 2016News in Brief6/20/16News in Brief6/20/16John Kerry Jettisons Russian Henchmen From International Space Station AirlockLOW EARTH ORBIT—Having stowed away aboard a Soyuz resupply rocket and silently slipped into the International Space…
Oct 5 2015News in Brief10/5/15News in Brief10/5/15Kerry Downs Another Vodka Shot As The Last Of Putin’s Security Detail Passes OutNOVOSINKOVO, RUSSIA—Staring directly into the drooping eyes of the woozy, flushed henchman sitting across from him…
Aug 6 2015News in Brief8/6/15News in Brief8/6/15Nicaraguan Diplomat Drops Deadly Spider Onto John Kerry’s BlanketISLA GRANDE DEL MAÍZ, NICARAGUA—Creeping stealthily into the bungalow where John Kerry lay sleeping after a trade…
Apr 17 2015News in Brief4/17/15News in Brief4/17/15Lovestruck Arabian Princess Begs Father To Spare John Kerry’s LifeKINGDOM OF GOLDEN SANDS—Throwing herself in front of her beloved U.S. secretary of state as the royal executioner…
Aug 27 2014News in Brief8/27/14News in Brief8/27/14Eclipse Comes Just In Time To Save John Kerry From Tribe Of Island CannibalsTHE ISLE OF EMBERS—With the natives’ drumbeats suddenly falling silent as a mysterious midday darkness rolled across…
Jun 25 2014News in Brief6/25/14News in Brief6/25/14‘To Defeat Them, I Must Become Them,’ John Kerry Says While Putting On Black Face MaskERBIL, IRAQ—After meeting with senior Iraqi leaders to discuss the country’s increasing sectarian violence, U.S.…
Mar 17 2014News in Brief3/17/14News in Brief3/17/14John Kerry Poses As Masseuse To Get Few Minutes With PutinMOSCOW—Having waited until the Russian leader was lying facedown on the massage table before quietly slipping into…
Mar 4 2014News in Brief3/4/14News in Brief3/4/14John Kerry Sits In Shadows Of Kiev Café Awaiting Woman Known Only As DashaKIEV, UKRAINE—Following his overnight arrival in Ukraine amid the escalating regional tensions over the the Crimean…
Jan 14 2014VideoONN Newsroom1/14/14 VideoONN Newsroom1/14/14Swift Boat Veterans For Truth Clear John Kerry After Exhaustive 9-Year InvestigationAfter years of painstaking research, the Swift Boat Veterans For Truth found that John Kerry was entirely honest…
Sep 10 2013News in Brief9/10/13News in Brief9/10/13John Kerry Costs U.S. Defense Industry $400 BillionWASHINGTON—Responding to initial reports that Syria may relinquish its stockpile of chemical weapons following…
Apr 5 2013News in Brief4/5/13News in Brief4/5/13John Kerry Lost Somewhere In Gobi DesertSOUTHERN MONGOLIA—After failing to arrive at his destination in the Middle East this week for diplomatic talks with…
Jan 24 2013News1/24/13News1/24/13The Onion Demands John Kerry Tell The Truth About His Swift Boat ServiceIn this age of global tumult and unrest, it is of the very utmost importance that our government officials are…