Shackled Kerry Looks On As Chechen Terror Leader Removes Mask To Reveal Scarred Face Of Former Mentor
GROZNY, RUSSIA—Coming eye to eye with the mysterious guerrilla mastermind he had been hunting for the past several…
Frantic John Kerry Looks On As Teresa Slowly Lowered Into Kim Jong-Un’s Electric Eel Tank
PYONGYANG—Bursting into the North Korean dictator’s central control room to find his wife suspended from a rope 40 feet…
Bloodied, Bruised John Kerry Emerges Victorious At Kickboxing Tournament In Bangkok Prison
BANGKOK—Spitting out a broken tooth as his opponent lay motionless on the bare cement floor, a battered Secretary of…
John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion
PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State…
Gaunt, Weathered John Kerry Leads Prisoner Uprising In Siberian Labor Camp
NERCHINSK, RUSSIA—Quickly unlocking one cell door after another as he shuffled down the dimly lit hallway in his…
John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors
BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal…
‘The Case, Mr. Kerry, Give Me The Case,’ Demands Malaysian Ambassador Holding Dangling John Kerry From Petronas Towers Skybridge
KUALA LUMPUR, MALAYSIA—Telling the U.S. secretary of state this was his final chance to hand over the briefcase he had…
John Kerry Jettisons Russian Henchmen From International Space Station Airlock
LOW EARTH ORBIT—Having stowed away aboard a Soyuz resupply rocket and silently slipped into the International Space…
Kerry Downs Another Vodka Shot As The Last Of Putin’s Security Detail Passes Out
NOVOSINKOVO, RUSSIA—Staring directly into the drooping eyes of the woozy, flushed henchman sitting across from him in…
Nicaraguan Diplomat Drops Deadly Spider Onto John Kerry’s Blanket
ISLA GRANDE DEL MAÍZ, NICARAGUA—Creeping stealthily into the bungalow where John Kerry lay sleeping after a trade…
Lovestruck Arabian Princess Begs Father To Spare John Kerry’s Life
KINGDOM OF GOLDEN SANDS—Throwing herself in front of her beloved U.S. secretary of state as the royal executioner…
Eclipse Comes Just In Time To Save John Kerry From Tribe Of Island Cannibals
THE ISLE OF EMBERS—With the natives’ drumbeats suddenly falling silent as a mysterious midday darkness rolled across…
‘To Defeat Them, I Must Become Them,’ John Kerry Says While Putting On Black Face Mask
ERBIL, IRAQ—After meeting with senior Iraqi leaders to discuss the country’s increasing sectarian violence, U.S.…
John Kerry Poses As Masseuse To Get Few Minutes With Putin
MOSCOW—Having waited until the Russian leader was lying facedown on the massage table before quietly slipping into the…
John Kerry Sits In Shadows Of Kiev Café Awaiting Woman Known Only As Dasha
KIEV, UKRAINE—Following his overnight arrival in Ukraine amid the escalating regional tensions over the the Crimean…
Swift Boat Veterans For Truth Clear John Kerry After Exhaustive 9-Year Investigation
After years of painstaking research, the Swift Boat Veterans For Truth found that John Kerry was entirely honest about…
John Kerry Costs U.S. Defense Industry $400 Billion
WASHINGTON—Responding to initial reports that Syria may relinquish its stockpile of chemical weapons following…
John Kerry Lost Somewhere In Gobi Desert
SOUTHERN MONGOLIA—After failing to arrive at his destination in the Middle East this week for diplomatic talks with…
The Onion Demands John Kerry Tell The Truth About His Swift Boat Service
In this age of global tumult and unrest, it is of the very utmost importance that our government officials are…