Biden Kicked Out Of Laundromat After Shag Rug Floods Washing Machine
DOVER, DE—Insisting that he was “totally fuckin’ innocent” as soapy water cascaded onto the establishment’s floor,…
Biden Hands Out Loose GT Cola Can To Unexpected Trick-Or-Treater
DOVER, DE—Telling his only trick-or-treater to “hang tight a sec while Uncle Joe scares up some Halloween goodies,”…
DNC Chair Tracks Down Biden In Everglades Tossing Whole Chickens To Gators
HOMESTEAD, FL—Acting on a tip from a local fisherman who caught the former vice president siphoning gas from his…
Biden Making Plans To Go Completely Legit After Vice Presidency
WASHINGTON—Saying he needed to turn his life around before “ending up in deep shit,” outgoing Vice President Joe Biden…
Biden Frantically Cleaning Up Trashed Vice President Residence At Last Second
WASHINGTON—Telling reporters he needed to get his “digs back into primo condition” as quickly as possible, Vice…
Tearful Biden Carefully Takes Down Blacklight Poster Of Topless Barbarian Chick From Office Wall
WASHINGTON—Sighing wistfully while recalling all the times the psychedelic artwork helped get his “rocks off,” Vice…
Biden Searching White House One Last Time For Missing Pet Snake
WASHINGTON—Urging staffers to keep their eyes peeled for a “scaly little fucker without any legs,” Vice President Joe…
Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application
WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly…
Biden Sadly Realizes This Could Be Last Time He Throws Lit Firecracker Into Press Conference
WASHINGTON—Growing suddenly introspective as he flipped open his Whitesnake Zippo lighter in a West Wing hallway, Vice…
Biden Donates Collection Of Classic Skin Mags To Those In Need During Holidays
WASHINGTON—Saying he hated the thought of the less fortunate having “an empty spank bank,” Vice President Joe Biden…
Biden Forges President’s Signature On Executive Order To Make December Dokken History Month
WASHINGTON—In an effort to honor the “sweet-ass” legacy of a hair metal band that he said “totally fucking shreds,”…
Secret Service Shuts Down Biden’s Unofficial White House Tour Operation
WASHINGTON—Encouraging the group of visitors that he was showing around the Roosevelt Room to “fucking hightail it,”…
Biden Regales DNC With Story Of ’80s Girl Band Vixen Breaking Hard Rock’s Glass Ceiling
PHILADELPHIA—Devoting a large portion of his speech to the “pioneering, stiffy-inducing” all-female quartet, Vice…
Biden Chokes Up While Describing Hardworking Americans Who Can Only Afford Shitty Ditch Weed
PHILADELPHIA—In an emotional address Wednesday night at the Democratic National Convention, Vice President Joe Biden…
Biden Busted In DNC Parking Lot Selling Bootleg ‘I’m With Her’ T-Shirts
PHILADELPHIA—Claiming he had been “in way deeper shit plenty of times before,” Vice President Joe Biden was reportedly…
Biden Lines Up Sweet Summer Gig Installing Above-Ground Swimming Pools
WASHINGTON—Saying he would “make a killing while catching rays,” Vice President Joe Biden confirmed Friday he had lined…
Biden Quietly Asks Obama To Pick Him Up Some Of Those Real Throwing Stars From Japan
WASHINGTON—Saying he didn’t want any “cheap-ass, dull ones,” Vice President Joe Biden quietly asked Barack Obama to…