DOVER, DE—Insisting that he was “totally fuckin’ innocent” as soapy water cascaded onto the establishment’s floor, former Vice President Joe Biden was reportedly kicked out of a local coin-op laundromat Thursday after his bright-orange shag rug flooded a washing machine. “Easy there, cabrón—ain’t my fault your…

DOVER, DE—Telling his only trick-or-treater to “hang tight a sec while Uncle Joe scares up some Halloween goodies,” former Vice President Joe Biden reportedly disappeared and returned 10 minutes later with a warm can of GT Cola, sources confirmed Friday. “Here ya go, bud. Thought I could hook you up with a spare ramen…

HOMESTEAD, FL—Acting on a tip from a local fisherman who caught the former vice president siphoning gas from his outboard motor, DNC Chairman Tom Perez on Monday reportedly tracked down Joe Biden deep in the Florida Everglades tossing whole raw chickens to alligators.

WASHINGTON—Saying he needed to turn his life around before “ending up in deep shit,” outgoing Vice President Joe Biden was reportedly hatching plans Friday to go completely legit now that his term in office has concluded.

WASHINGTON—Telling reporters he needed to get his “digs back into primo condition” as quickly as possible, Vice President Joe Biden was seen scrambling around Friday morning in a frantic attempt to clean up Number One Observatory Circle just hours before his successor was scheduled to move into the residence.

WASHINGTON—Sighing wistfully while recalling all the times the psychedelic artwork helped get his “rocks off,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly grew emotional Thursday as he carefully took down a blacklight poster of a topless barbarian chick from his office wall. “Man, you have no idea how many times staring up at…

WASHINGTON—Urging staffers to keep their eyes peeled for a “scaly little fucker without any legs,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly searched the White House one last time Wednesday for his missing 12-year-old pet coral snake, Fruit Loop. “Look, I just found a discarded skin on a chair in the Roosevelt Room, so I…

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore. “Listen, Uncle Joe is kind of behind…

WASHINGTON—Growing suddenly introspective as he flipped open his Whitesnake Zippo lighter in a West Wing hallway, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly came to the sad realization Monday that this could be the last time he tosses a lit firecracker into a White House press conference. “Aw shit, after today, I might never…

WASHINGTON—Saying he hated the thought of the less fortunate having “an empty spank bank,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly donated a large collection of classic skin mags to a homeless shelter Monday to help those in need during the holidays. “You know, not everyone is as lucky as ol’ Joe, so I want to spread the…

WASHINGTON—In an effort to honor the “sweet-ass” legacy of a hair metal band that he said “totally fucking shreds,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly snuck into the Oval Office early Thursday to forge President Obama’s signature on an executive order that would officially recognize December as Dokken History Month.…

WASHINGTON—Encouraging the group of visitors that he was showing around the Roosevelt Room to “fucking hightail it,” vice president Joe Biden was reportedly stopped by “killjoy” Secret Service members Tuesday who moved quickly to shut down his unofficial White House tour. “I provide a legit service at a discount,…

PHILADELPHIA—Devoting a large portion of his speech to the “pioneering, stiffy-inducing” all-female quartet, Vice President Joe Biden regaled the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night with the rousing story of the metal band Vixen breaking hard rock’s glass ceiling in the late 1980s. “You gotta understand,…

PHILADELPHIA—In an emotional address Wednesday night at the Democratic National Convention, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly choked up while describing the thousands of hardworking Americans throughout the nation who are only able to afford shitty ditch weed. “I’ve met good, proud Americans all across our great…

PHILADELPHIA—Claiming he had been “in way deeper shit plenty of times before,” Vice President Joe Biden was reportedly busted Wednesday in the Democratic National Convention parking lot for selling bootleg “I’m With Her” T-shirts. “Those cops cost me a good chunk of change when they yanked my merch, but luckily I’ve…

WASHINGTON—Saying he would “make a killing while catching rays,” Vice President Joe Biden confirmed Friday he had lined up a “totally sweet” summer gig installing above-ground pools around the D.C. metro area. “It’s gonna kick ass—three whole months of workin’ on my tan, crankin’ tunes on my boombox, and bird-doggin’…

WASHINGTON—Saying he didn’t want any “cheap-ass, dull ones,” Vice President Joe Biden quietly asked Barack Obama to pick him up some of those real throwing stars during his upcoming diplomatic visit to Japan, White House sources confirmed Friday. “Listen, Barry, I need the real deal, so when you’re over there next…

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