LAWRENCE, KS—In a report revealing new insights into early developmental psychology, researchers from the University of Kansas concluded Tuesday that parents spend much of the first four years of their child’s life fluctuating wildly between hoping their child stays asleep and hoping their child wakes up. “The vast…
TORRANCE, CA—Touting the vehicle as the best in its class for preventing the gruesome demise of offspring, a commercial for the 2018 Honda City that premiered Monday openly tells viewers that their kids will die in a car crash if they buy a different brand. “With Honda, you can rest easy knowing your son or daughter…
SEABROOK, NH—Warning that the real-life Wolverine was about to start some serious shit, third-grade sources reported Friday that Michael Handley, the kid on the other side of the playground putting pencils between his knuckles, was about to fuck someone up. “Man, I would not mess with that kid if I were you,” reported…
JUNEAU, AK—Saying it was clear the parents never intended to have such a large brood, sources confirmed Wednesday that the Greene family has way too many daughters for them not to have been trying for a son. “Obviously, after Jess and Katie, they started to get desperate for a boy, otherwise they wouldn’t have had…
WILMINGTON, NC—Aggressively exploiting the short windows of time she spent with the high school junior, local mom Ally Brullard has been really gunning to befriend her babysitter during their weekly three-minute interactions, family sources reported this past Saturday. “Did you end up getting that dress you were…
Here’s some advice for talking to your child about the shocking outcome of the 2016 presidential election:
MISSOULA, MT—Describing how he suddenly found himself overwhelmed by a flood of intense emotions, local man Mike Bentzen told reporters Monday the reality of fatherhood didn’t truly set in for him until the moment he held his newborn son’s hospital bill. “Wow, this is going to totally change my life,” said Bentzen as…
COLUMBUS, OH—Watching in disbelief as the youngster added another children’s novel to his quickly growing stack, sources confirmed Thursday that local third-grader Hayden Schmidt was clearly biting off more than he could chew at his elementary school book fair. “This kid is in way over his head here—there’s no way…
WASHINGTON—According to an alarming new report published Thursday by the National Center for Education Research, the majority of American students do not possess the language skills and vocabulary necessary to belittle their classmates in an effective manner.
SOUTH BEND, IN—Holding the straps of his brand-new backpack while confidently striding toward homeroom Thursday, self-assured seventh-grader Caleb Burgess reportedly announced “new year, new Caleb” on his first day of school. “Everything you thought you knew about Caleb is wrong, because I’m a whole new Caleb this…
LANCASTER, PA—Observing that she is way ahead of other girls her age, sources close to precocious 4-year-old Tessa Davison confirmed Wednesday that she already feels completely terrible about herself.
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Excitedly watching the exhibition game in the half-empty stadium, local 13-year-old Josh McNeil reportedly had an overall pretty decent birthday party Saturday night at a Week 3 preseason NFL game between the New York Giants and the New York Jets. “I’ve never been to a game, and my dad said I could…
WASHINGTON—A report released Monday by the Pew Research Center revealed that a growing number of American fifth-graders are opting to take a gap year to unwind from the stresses of elementary education and recharge themselves before taking on the rigors of middle school. “We found that it’s increasingly common for…
This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run:
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the need for parents and law enforcement officers to take immediate action, officials at the Federal Bureau of Investigation issued a statement Friday confirming that the first 48 hours are the most crucial in locating children who had vanished through a portal to a fantastical world.
TOLEDO, OH—Describing how the child entered a state of complete mental serenity free from any stress or anxiety as soon as he closed the flaps of the large shipping carton over him, sources confirmed Thursday that sitting inside his cardboard box is the safest local 6-year-old Kyle Wolfe will feel for the remainder of…
Friends, I have some unfortunate news to share. When this sleepover began just a few hours ago, I had every intention of staying through the night. Like many of you, I greatly looked forward to goofing off until midnight or so and then waking up to a full spread of chocolate chip pancakes. Alas, things don’t always…
In an uncertain economy, it’s important to provide young people with the tools they’ll need to make prudent financial decisions. Here are The Onion’s tips for talking to your children about money management:
