Giuliani Says Kim Jong-Un Begged Like A Has-Been-Politician-Turned-Hack-Attorney Trying To Get A Job At The White House

NEW YORK—Describing the pathetic manner in which the North Korean dictator debased himself while pleading for a meeting with President Trump, Rudy Giuliani claimed Thursday that Kim Jong-un begged like a has-been-politician-turned-hack-attorney trying to get a job at the White House. “He groveled like a washed-up…

Physically Fit, Emotionally Stable Kim Jong-Un Addresses UN After Finally Getting Nuclear Ambitions Out Of System

NEW YORK—Appearing to have undergone a complete transformation in both appearance and temperament, a physically fit and emotionally stable Kim Jong-Un calmly addressed the United Nations on Thursday after finally getting his nuclear ambitions out of his system. “Now that the nuclear stuff is over with, we we can…

Military Aides Try To Cheer Up Kim Jong-Un After Failed Missile Launch By Putting On Surprise Execution

PYONGYANG—Following the country’s failed test launch of a new long-range missile, North Korean military aides reportedly tried to cheer up Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un Thursday by putting on a surprise execution. “He was pretty upset by how things went yesterday, so we figured surprising him with the summary execution…

North Korean Populace Already Mentally Preparing For Whatever Insane Bullshit They’ll Have To Do For Kim Jong-Un Funeral

PYONGYANG—Saying they were taking a deep breath and steeling themselves for the melodramatic public wailing and mass-scale processions they might soon have to engage in, sources confirmed Monday that the people of North Korea were already mentally preparing for whatever insane bullshit they will be made to do for Kim…

Kim Jong-Un’s Absence Leaves North Korean Government Officials No One To Agree With

PYONGYANG—Explaining that the highest levels of government were currently in a state of disarray, international affairs experts confirmed Friday that the continuing absence of Kim Jong-un had left top-ranking North Korean officials with nobody to agree with. “North Korea’s Supreme People’s Assembly and National…

Bored Kim Jong-Un Stacks Entire North Korean Populace Into Human Pyramid To Kill Time

PYONGYANG—In an effort to relieve his boredom and fill an otherwise uneventful afternoon, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un stacked all 24 million of his country’s inhabitants into a human pyramid Friday to help him pass the time. “Do the pyramid faster and taller,” the North Korean dictator ordered from a balcony…

Kim Jong-Un Wonders If Nuclear Threats Distracting Him From Real Goal Of Starving Citizenry

PYONGYANG—Amidst escalating tensions between North Korea and the global community, Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un expressed concern Tuesday that his ongoing threats of inciting a nuclear war are distracting him from the more fundamental goal of starving his citizens. “I know it’s important to focus on making bold and…

Kim Jong-Un's Wife On Nuclear Threats: 'This Isn't The Man I Was Forced To Marry'

PYONGYANG—Ri Sol-ju, wife of North Korean Leader Kim Jong-un, opened up to reporters Thursday about her husband’s warmongering, saying that the Dear Leader’s recent bluster was totally uncharacteristic of the man she was forced to marry three years ago. “Since being ordered by my government to spend the rest of my…

Kim Jong-Un, Justin Timberlake Meet To Pick New Pope, According To Shameless Attempt To Increase Web Traffic

VATICAN CITY—North Korean leader Kim Jong-un, pop star Justin Timberlake, the entire cast of Oz The Great And Powerful, LeBron James, and Samsung’s new Galaxy S IV smartphone convened at the Vatican Tuesday to begin the process of selecting a new pope, according to bald-faced, desperately sensationalistic reports…