NEW YORKâDescribing the pathetic manner in which the North Korean dictator debased himself while pleading for a meeting with President Trump, Rudy Giuliani claimed Thursday that Kim Jong-un begged like a has-been-politician-turned-hack-attorney trying to get a job at the White House. âHe groveled like a washed-upâŚ
PYONGYANGâFollowing a swift capture, arrest, and trial before an official tribunal, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un was thrown into a remote labor camp for attempting to cross the border into South Korea, authorities from the totalitarian nation confirmed Friday. âKim Jong-un is an enemy of the state and hasâŚ
NEW YORKâAppearing to have undergone a complete transformation in both appearance and temperament, a physically fit and emotionally stable Kim Jong-Un calmly addressed the United Nations on Thursday after finally getting his nuclear ambitions out of his system. âNow that the nuclear stuff is over with, we we canâŚ
PYONGYANGâFollowing the countryâs failed test launch of a new long-range missile, North Korean military aides reportedly tried to cheer up Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un Thursday by putting on a surprise execution. âHe was pretty upset by how things went yesterday, so we figured surprising him with the summary executionâŚ
PYONGYANGâExperiencing a deep sense of nostalgia while sifting through the stack of old papers, North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un reportedly stumbled onto childhood drawings Monday that he had made of nuclear attacks on the West. âGosh, time really flies, but I can still clearly remember drawing these picturesâŚ
PYONGYANGâSaying they were taking a deep breath and steeling themselves for the melodramatic public wailing and mass-scale processions they might soon have to engage in, sources confirmed Monday that the people of North Korea were already mentally preparing for whatever insane bullshit they will be made to do for KimâŚ
PYONGYANGâExplaining that the highest levels of government were currently in a state of disarray, international affairs experts confirmed Friday that the continuing absence of Kim Jong-un had left top-ranking North Korean officials with nobody to agree with. âNorth Koreaâs Supreme Peopleâs Assembly and NationalâŚ
North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un has not been seen in public since September 3. Here is the latest speculation on his whereabouts:
PYONGYANGâFollowing reports that the head-of-state is receiving treatment for a variety of medical conditions, an Amnesty International report released Monday confirmed that the diabetic and gout-ridden dictator Kim Jong-un is still by far the healthiest individual in North Korea. âWith high levels of uric acid in hisâŚ
PYONGYANGâIn an effort to relieve his boredom and fill an otherwise uneventful afternoon, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un stacked all 24 million of his countryâs inhabitants into a human pyramid Friday to help him pass the time. âDo the pyramid faster and taller,â the North Korean dictator ordered from a balconyâŚ
PYONGYANGâAmidst escalating tensions between North Korea and the global community, Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un expressed concern Tuesday that his ongoing threats of inciting a nuclear war are distracting him from the more fundamental goal of starving his citizens. âI know itâs important to focus on making bold andâŚ
PYONGYANGâRi Sol-ju, wife of North Korean Leader Kim Jong-un, opened up to reporters Thursday about her husbandâs warmongering, saying that the Dear Leaderâs recent bluster was totally uncharacteristic of the man she was forced to marry three years ago. âSince being ordered by my government to spend the rest of myâŚ
PYONGYANGâAs the U.S. Supreme Court heard arguments Tuesday on the constitutionality of banning same-sex marriage, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un told reporters that, considering heâs not a completely awful human being, he unequivocally believes that gay people should be able to marry. âOf course I believe gay andâŚ
PYONGYANGâWhile performing his duties as Supreme Leader of North Korea Tuesday, Kim Jong-un reportedly heard a small voice in the back of his mind telling him that his actions over the last six months have been very strange and wrong.
VATICAN CITYâNorth Korean leader Kim Jong-un, pop star Justin Timberlake, the entire cast of Oz The Great And Powerful, LeBron James, and Samsungâs new Galaxy S IV smartphone convened at the Vatican Tuesday to begin the process of selecting a new pope, according to bald-faced, desperately sensationalistic reportsâŚ
PYONGYANGâThe recent appearance of former Chicago Bulls forward Dennis Rodman in North Korea was reportedly the most normal thing to transpire in the country in recent memory, sources confirmed Tuesday. âOur Supreme Leader [Kim Jong-un] was pleased to share in the company of Mr. Rodman as the two enjoyed time togetherâŚ
PYONGYANGâJubilation sounded far and wide in the North Korean capital today as upwards of 100,000 cheering citizens proudly thronged Kim Il-sung Square to celebrate the historic news that Dear Leader Kim Jong-un had become the first man to walk on the moon, ecstatic North Korean sources reported.
PYONGYANGâFollowing North Koreaâs sudden and controversial launch of a long-range rocket Wednesday morning, reports have confirmed that Ri Sol-ju, the wife of leader Kim Jong-un, successfully jumped inside the missile just in time to escape the communist country.
The Onion is proud to announce that North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un, 29, has officially been named the newspaperâs Sexiest Man Alive for the year 2012.
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