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Report: 87% Of Goldman Sachs Employees Began Job With Plans To Take Down Company From Inside

DURHAM, NC—Dispelling the myth of the young Wall Street go-getter, a report released by Duke University’s Fuqua School of Business on Wednesday revealed that 87 percent of Goldman Sachs employees actually began their jobs with plans to take down the multinational financial conglomerate from the inside. “Our data…

University Of Nevada Renames Vito Corleone School Of Business Following Latest Accusations Against Benefactor

RENO, NV—Saying any suggestion of criminal activity was incompatible with the school’s values, the University of Nevada announced Tuesday that it will rename the Vito Corleone School of Business in the wake of accusations against the benefactor, the late Michael Corleone. “While we will forever be grateful to the…

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Oklahoma State Penitentiary Unveils New In-Chamber Entertainment System To Keep Inmates Occupied During Lethal Injections

MCALESTER, OK—Touting the extensive library of programming available to be streamed while waiting for an untested cocktail of chemicals to induce cardiac arrest, officials from Oklahoma State Penitentiary unveiled a new in-chamber entertainment system Thursday aimed at keeping inmates occupied throughout their lethal…

Sessions Rattles Baton Along Prison Bars In Speech Vowing To Crack Down On Violent Crime

WAVERLY, VA—Saying the inmates had best listen up and listen good because he wasn’t about to repeat himself, Attorney General Jeff Sessions rattled his baton along a line of prison bars in Sussex 1 State Prison Wednesday as he gave a speech vowing to crack down on violent crime. “I am your new Attorney General, and it…

Federal Judge Pencils Blocking Trump’s Unconstitutional Executive Orders Into Monthly Schedule

SEATTLE—In an effort to ensure he would have enough time on his busy calendar to make future rulings, U.S. district judge James Robart penciled blocking President Trump’s unconstitutional executive orders into his monthly schedule, sources confirmed Thursday. “I honestly don’t have a choice but to set aside a few days…