BALTIMORE—Marveling at her ability to shed so many preconceptions and societal norms, sources confirmed Tuesday that the pink Baltimore Orioles jersey worn by local 27-year-old Kelly Fournette undoubtedly shows that she is a sports fan, yet at the same time also maintains her femininity. “It is clear that this woman…

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Playacting raised voices and heated accusations as she made her toys stomp around her bedroom floor, 3-year-old Allyson Barnes was reportedly pretending Wednesday that her stuffed animals were having a big fight about an accidental pregnancy. “How could you have been so careless, Mrs. Puffles?” said…

BRYN MAWR, PA—In a blasphemous act of disloyalty against the rightful movement, local man Joseph Fischer stated Tuesday that “We can have differences of opinion and still respect each other,” exposing himself as a cowardly betrayer of the one true cause. “Even though we disagree on this issue, I’m glad we can have…

YUMA, AZ—Saying that it would be a nice break from the health-conscious diet, a local E. coli bacterium announced Tuesday plans to treat itself to a little beef after weeks of eating nothing but salad. “Lately, I’ve been on this kick of just having romaine lettuce for every single meal, but it can’t hurt to cut…

FISHKILL, NY—In a hastily assembled tribunal during which his traveling companions unanimously handed down the punishment, sources confirmed Tuesday that local friend Brendan Doctson was dishonorably discharged from his navigating duties after causing them to miss an exit. “In light of his gross misconduct in failing…

INDIANAPOLIS—Naively scrutinizing every detail of their big night in a misguided attempt to make it perfect, local couple Ashley Miller and Bradley Schwartz reportedly stressed themselves out over their wedding plans Monday as if it won’t take a single string of Edison bulbs to knock their guests’ fucking socks off.…

NEKOOSA, WI—Confessing that he just couldn’t get enough of the trombone-playing musician, local polka fan Tim Hahn told reporters Monday that he had been on a real Harold Loeffelmacher kick as of late. “I’ll admit it: I’ve been going straight-out nuts for Loeffelmacher recently,” said Hahn, noting that his “Loeff…

DENVER—Watching with a mixture of bewilderment and pity as a small group of solitary travelers quietly boarded his plane at 11:15 p.m., United Airlines pilot Terry Elston shuddered Monday while attempting to imagine why his passengers could be taking a red-eye to Atlantic City. “Good lord, I don’t even want to know…

COLUMBUS, OH—Observing clear signs of both pre-established friendships and more advanced ceramic-ware knowledge, area woman Shailene McFadden realized Friday that the rest of her pottery class was already acquainted with one another from at least one previous pottery class. “As soon as I walked in, I noticed that most…

RAIFORD, FL—Saying that the disciplinary measure would make the prisoner think twice the next time, Union Correctional Institution warden Roy Connaught said Wednesday he figured a week in solitary confinement ought to teach inmate Ethan Williams not to be schizophrenic. “I reckon a stretch in the hole might show Ethan…

SAN DIEGO—Aghast at what apparently passes for parental supervision these days, theatergoing sources reported Wednesday that, oh, Jesus Christ, someone actually brought their kid to this thing. “Great. Now there’s some…some child making all this noise and running around, and I have no idea when or even if I’m supposed…

TUSTIN, CA—According to sources nodding along to a coworker’s story about vacation home rentals, the conversation happening between strangers at the other end of the communal table at the Ocean Walk Café sounds way more interesting. “I can’t tell exactly what they’re talking about, but just listen to them—they’re…

DENVER, CO—Naively insisting that we seek partners with the confidence to be comfortable in their own skin, Denver systems analyst Jennifer Thomas, 32, stated Monday that “nothing is more attractive than confidence,” clearly demonstrating that she has never seen Sonic the Hedgehog cosplay. “Being secure with who you…

HOPKINTON, NH—After viewing several topographical maps, an old wagon wheel, and a few rusting farm implements, visitors to Hopkinton’s local history museum confirmed Monday that the curators had clearly dug deep to fill the two 15-by-20-foot rooms at their disposal. “The first room had photos of the town’s past and a…