‘We Can Have Differences Of Opinion And Still Respect Each Other,’ Says Betrayer Of The One True Cause

BRYN MAWR, PA—In a blasphemous act of disloyalty against the rightful movement, local man Joseph Fischer stated Tuesday that “We can have differences of opinion and still respect each other,” exposing himself as a cowardly betrayer of the one true cause. “Even though we disagree on this issue, I’m glad we can have…

Couple Stressing About Wedding Plans As If It Won’t Just Take A String Of Edison Bulbs To Knock Guests’ Fucking Socks Off

INDIANAPOLIS—Naively scrutinizing every detail of their big night in a misguided attempt to make it perfect, local couple Ashley Miller and Bradley Schwartz reportedly stressed themselves out over their wedding plans Monday as if it won’t take a single string of Edison bulbs to knock their guests’ fucking socks off.…

‘Nothing Is More Attractive Than Confidence,’ Says Woman Who Has Apparently Never Seen Sonic The Hedgehog Cosplay

DENVER, CO—Naively insisting that we seek partners with the confidence to be comfortable in their own skin, Denver systems analyst Jennifer Thomas, 32, stated Monday that “nothing is more attractive than confidence,” clearly demonstrating that she has never seen Sonic the Hedgehog cosplay. “Being secure with who you…

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