Jan 13News in Brief1/13/21News in Brief1/13/21Citigroup Begrudgingly Keeps Funding Marco Rubio After Learning Senator Voted For Election CertificationNEW YORK—Expressing their deep frustration with the Florida senator, Citigroup announced Wednesday that they would…
Apr 30 2019News In Photos4/30/19News In Photos4/30/19Wild-Eyed Marco Rubio Embarks In Rowboat To Help Venezuela Coup Effort
Feb 23 2018News in Brief2/23/18News in Brief2/23/18Marco Rubio Still Rock-Hard Days After Being Publicly Humiliated On National StageWASHINGTON—Saying the CNN town hall debate had left him sexually aroused in a way he hadn’t experienced since his…
Mar 17 2016News in Brief3/17/16News in Brief3/17/16GOP Leaders Assure Sobbing Rubio It Not His Fault Party Splitting UpWASHINGTON—In an effort to comfort the distraught former presidential candidate, top GOP leaders reportedly sat down…
Mar 16 2016News in Brief3/16/16News in Brief3/16/16Mute, Terrified Rubio Awakes To Find Self Unable To Vocalize Any Unscripted SentimentMIAMI—Just hours after delivering the final speech of his 2016 campaign, former Republican presidential candidate…
Mar 14 2016News in Brief3/14/16News in Brief3/14/16Heartbreaking Rubio Campaign Email Just Asks Supporters To Send Something To Make Him SmileMIAMI—Noting that Tuesday’s primary contests could very likely determine the outcome of the Republican nomination,…
Mar 10 2016News in Brief3/10/16News in Brief3/10/16Moderators Give Marco Rubio 90 Seconds To Deliver Closing Statement Of CampaignMIAMI—Allowing the candidate to leave viewers with a final impression before the broadcast concluded, CNN moderator…
Feb 29 2016News2/29/16News2/29/16Rubio Campaign Hires New Candidate In Top-Level Staff ShakeupMIAMI—In what political observers characterized as the organization’s highest-level staff shakeup to date, the…
Feb 25 2016News in Brief2/25/16News in Brief2/25/16Spooked Rubio Staffers Drive Slowly Past Abandoned Jeb Bush Campaign HeadquartersMIAMI―Speaking in hushed tones as they peered out at the derelict structure sitting vacant behind an empty,…
Feb 24 2016News in Brief2/24/16News in Brief2/24/16Depraved Candidate Struggling To Support $100,000-A-Day Advertising HabitRICHMOND, VA—Having already blown through the previous night’s fundraising contributions on a couple quick radio ads…
Feb 13 2016News in Brief2/13/16News in Brief2/13/16Charles Koch Orders Sniper To Fire Warning Shot Next To Marco Rubio On Debate StageGREENVILLE, SC—In response to the presidential candidate’s unsatisfactory answer to a question about the economic…
Jan 29 2016News1/29/16News1/29/16Dazed Marco Rubio Wakes Up In Koch Compound To Find Cold Metal Device Installed Behind Ear‘Hello Marco, We Will Now Begin The Program,’ Says Soothing Voice
Jan 14 2016News in Brief1/14/16News in Brief1/14/16Rubio Refutes Claim He Soft On Immigration By Dragging Undocumented Worker He Knocked Out Cold Onto StageNORTH CHARLESTON, SC—In an attempt to silence party members who have criticized his record on illegal immigration as…
Nov 17 2015News in Brief11/17/15News in Brief11/17/15Rubio Campaign Deploys 6,000 Ground Troops To Combat ISISOTTUMWA, IA—Vowing to hunt down and destroy every last vestige of the extremist group, Senator Marco Rubio announced…
Oct 28 2015News10/28/15News10/28/15Campaign Advisers Secretly Enjoying Totally Destroying Marco Rubio During Practice DebatesBOULDER, CO—Reflecting on the repeated drubbings they have doled out since the process began six months ago,…