Investors Remind Mark Zuckerberg He Can’t Fuck With Them Like The Simpering Cowards In Congress

MENLO PARK, CA—Berating the increasingly alarmed CEO about the consequences he would face if his company continued to underperform, Facebook investors reportedly reminded Mark Zuckerberg Friday that he can’t fuck with them like he did with the simpering cowards in Congress. “Listen up, you little shit—those dickless…

Panicking Mark Zuckerberg Holds Press Conference Explicitly Welcoming Armenian Genocide Deniers To Facebook

MENLO PARK, CA—Following a difficult week that saw the social media company’s shares plummet by nearly 20 percent, a clearly panicking Mark Zuckerberg held a press conference Friday explicitly welcoming those who deny the Armenian genocide to Facebook. “We fully acknowledge that it was a mistake for us to have ever…

Mark Zuckerberg Recalls Coming Up With Idea For Facebook After Seeing Dopamine-Addicted Lab Rat Starve To Death

MENLO PARK, CA—Suggesting that the social network may never have existed had the helpless animal not perished before his eyes, Mark Zuckerberg reportedly recalled Thursday how he came up with the idea for Facebook after seeing a dopamine-addicted lab rat starve to death. “I remember watching that frail, malnourished…

As A Facebook Employee, I Was Ordered To Bury Thousands Of Stories About Mark Zuckerberg’s Human Zoo

For too long, I have kept quiet. For too long, I convinced myself that what we were doing at Facebook—bringing people together and uniting humanity in common purpose—was so important that I dared not jeopardize it by speaking out. But now, I realize I have a duty to talk about what I saw. I was a high-level employee…

Mark Zuckerberg Insists Anyone With Same Skewed Values And Unrelenting Thirst For Power Could Have Made Same Mistakes

MENLO PARK, CA—In an effort to dismiss widespread criticism, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg reportedly insisted Thursday that anyone with the same skewed values and tenacious thirst for power could have made the same mistakes he did. “I know I screwed up, and I understand why you’re all upset, but if you were a morally…

Facebook Informs Data Leak Victims Whether They Need To Burn Down House, Cut Off Fingerprints, Start Anew

MENLO PARK, CA—Taking it upon themselves to notify users of potential repercussions stemming from the site’s recent privacy breach, Facebook announced plans Sunday to inform victims of the Cambridge Analytica data leak whether they need to burn down their houses, cut off their fingerprints, and start their lives over…