Donald Trump Jr. Divorce Leaves Confused, Heartbroken Nation Wondering Why Bad Things Happen To Good People

WASHINGTON—Lamenting that even the purest hearts were fated to be broken, the confused and anguished U.S. populace was struggling Friday with the question of why bad things happen to good people following the news that Vanessa Trump filed for divorce from Donald Trump Jr. earlier this week. “How could this happen to…

Man In Kitchen Can’t Remember What He Got Married, Bought House, Had 3 Kids, And Came In Here For

PENSACOLA, FL—Taking a moment to focus and get his bearings, local man Pete Harrington reportedly stood in the middle of his kitchen Monday trying to remember what he got married, bought a house, had three kids, and went in there for. “Hold on, there has to be a reason I proposed to Michelle, spent $500,000 on a home,…

Cooking Class Instructor Can Already Tell Which Couples Signed Up Based On Marriage Counselor’s Recommendation

STATESVILLE, NC—Taking note of their audible sighs and the undercurrent of resentment evident in their attempts at cooperation, gourmet cooking class instructor Dana Robertson told reporters Wednesday she could already tell which couples signed up for her French Bistro Basics course based on their marriage counselor’s…

Pastor Going On Little Spiel About Seeing How In Love Couple Are Despite Not Knowing Them For Very Long

SKOKIE, IL—Describing how the affection between the pair was apparent the moment he met them, Father Gregory McNeil is said to have delivered a whole little spiel Saturday about how truly in love local couple Colin Brayer and Allison Trudeau are despite him not knowing them for very long. “I’ve only had the pleasure…

Report: Majority Of Married People Get Up And Go To Second Family’s House As Soon As Spouse Asleep

CHICAGO—Describing it as a common nightly ritual for tens of millions of Americans nationwide, a report published Thursday in The American Journal Of Sociology revealed that 84 percent of married individuals get out of bed and head to their second family’s home as soon as their spouse falls asleep. “The vast majority…