White House Reporters Warn Huckabee Sanders She Harming America And It’s Selling Like Fucking Hotcakes

WASHINGTON—In a statement intended to send a strong message to the White House press secretary in response to her controversial and adversarial remarks regarding the media, press corps reporters united Friday to warn Sarah Huckabee Sanders that her veiled accusations and outright untruths were doing deep, untold harm…

‘New York Times’ Publisher Reveals Asking Trump To Decrease Anti-Media Rhetoric Except Against Those Fuckers At ‘The Washington Post’

WASHINGTON—Citing the potential dangers of continued White House attacks on media outlets, New York Times publisher A.G. Sulzberger revealed Sunday that he asked President Trump to decrease his anti-media rhetoric during their July 20 meeting, excepting those made against “those fuckers at The Washington Post.” “We…

White House Press Corps Wishes Show Of Solidarity Over Banned Reporter Could Be For Better News Organization Than CNN

WASHINGTON—Even as they united behind journalist Kaitlan Collins after the Trump administration barred her from attending a press conference with the president, the White House press corps reportedly admitted Thursday that they wished their show of solidarity over a banned reporter could be for a better news…

Onion Employees Return To Mundane Lives Of Writing Game-Changing News Coverage Read By Billions Across Globe

CHICAGO—Trudging one by one into the tastefully understated newsroom of their architecturally breathtaking headquarters, employees of The Onion returned to their accustomed routine Friday and resumed writing groundbreaking news for a global audience of billions. “Time to get back to the old slog of shining a light…

Cackling NPR Host Warns Upcoming Segment May Feature Content Too Dark, Too Chilling, Too Positively Ghoulish For Young Listeners

WASHINGTON—Urging audiences to spare their children from the disturbing story ahead, a cackling Terry Gross warned that an upcoming segment may feature content too dark, too chilling, too positively ghoulish for young listeners. “Beware, my friends, for the tale I bring before you now contains terrors so horrid, so…

Newly Uncovered Journals Reveal Alexander Graham Bell Invented Telephone As First Step In Consolidating All American Businesses Into Single Monopoly

BADDECK, NOVA SCOTIA—Researchers reportedly uncovered new journals Wednesday that revealed Alexander Graham Bell originally invented the telephone as the first step in consolidating all American businesses into a single monopoly. “Apparently overlooked until now, Bell’s papers indicate that from his earliest…

‘Breitbart’ Refusing To Release Names Of Mass Shooting Victims In Order To Prevent Them From Getting Attention

LOS ANGELES—Far-right media outlet Breitbart News refused Monday to release the names of the 10 dead and 13 wounded in the Santa Fe High School mass shooting, saying that doing so would only give the victims exactly what they wanted. “We’re not going to give these victims the satisfaction of seeing their names and…