Rudy Giuliani Calls In To Talk Show He Already On To Deny What He Just Said
Newly Uncovered Journals Reveal Alexander Graham Bell Invented Telephone As First Step In Consolidating All American Businesses Into Single Monopoly
BADDECK, NOVA SCOTIA—Researchers reportedly uncovered new journals Wednesday that revealed Alexander Graham Bell originally invented the telephone as the first step in consolidating all American businesses into a single monopoly. “Apparently overlooked until now, Bell’s papers indicate that from his earliest…
CNN Promises To Maintain Complete Lack Of Editorial Integrity Despite AT&T-Time Warner Merger
ATLANTA—In response to a U.S. district court judge overturning a Justice Department ruling that had previously blocked an $85 billion merger between telecom giant AT&T and its parent company, Time Warner, CNN reportedly promised Tuesday that the consolidation would have no effect on its ability to maintain a complete…
‘Breitbart’ Refusing To Release Names Of Mass Shooting Victims In Order To Prevent Them From Getting Attention
LOS ANGELES—Far-right media outlet Breitbart News refused Monday to release the names of the 10 dead and 13 wounded in the Santa Fe High School mass shooting, saying that doing so would only give the victims exactly what they wanted. “We’re not going to give these victims the satisfaction of seeing their names and…
Oprah Winfrey Breaks Record For Most Appearances On The Cover Of ‘O Magazine’
NEW YORK—Gracing the cover of her magazine for the 218th time since it began publication in 2000, Oprah Winfrey has broken the record for most appearances on the cover of O, The Oprah Magazine, staff at the publication confirmed Thursday. “We always love having Oprah in the office. She just really embodies what this…
Investigation Confirms NBC Management Had No Knowledge Of Misconduct In Matt Lauer’s Network-Sanctioned Sex Dungeon
NEW YORK—Following multiple allegations of sexual misbehavior against the former Today Show host, NBC announced Friday that internal investigations found company management had no knowledge of misconduct occurring in Matt Lauer’s network-sanctioned sex dungeon. “We found no evidence that human resources had received…
Sean Hannity Informs Building Tenants About Deep-State Conspiracy Forcing Him To Triple Rent
PERRY, GA—Explaining to the residents that the matter was simply out of his control, television host and landlord Sean Hannity informed tenants living in buildings he owns about the deep-state conspiracy that was forcing him to triple their rents, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I’m sorry, folks, but raising your rent is…
Mueller Poses As Fox News Host To Coax Rudy Giuliani Into Giving Him Testimony On Trump
NEW YORK—Welcoming viewers back to an exclusive interview featuring the President’s new attorney, Special Counsel Robert Mueller posed as a Fox News host Thursday to coax Rudy Giuliani into giving him a testimony on Trump. “Rudy, it’s always a pleasure to have you on ‘Mueller Tonight’—now, I wanted to really dig in…
Tom Brokaw Touched So Many Women Would Go Out Of Their Way To Defend Filthy Old Pervert Like Himself
Timeline Of The White House Correspondents’ Dinner
The White House Correspondents’ Association will be holding its annual dinner on April 28, in a tradition that has happened nearly every year since 1921. The Onion presents a timeline of the biggest moments in White House Correspondents’ Dinner history.
Tucker Carlson Unsure Why He In Middle Of 20-Minute Rant Against Croutons
NEW YORK—Taking a moment to reflect on how “the world’s most elitist bread” made its way into his current tirade, Fox News anchor Tucker Carlson paused midway through his show Thursday and expressed confusion about why he was currently 20 minutes into an irate rant against croutons. “These overblown, liberal salad…
Stressed-Out Sean Hannity Buys 12 Little Cabins In Maine To Get Away From It All
BAR HARBOR, ME—Explaining that he really needed to escape from the increased public scrutiny into his personal and professional life, stressed-out Fox News host Sean Hannity reportedly bought 12 little cabins in rural Maine over the weekend to get away from it all. “I was getting really burnt out with work stuff and…
Fuming Rachel Maddow Spends Entire Show Just Pointing Wildly At Picture Of Putin
NEW YORK—Enraged to the point that she was no longer able to form words, a fuming Rachel Maddow spent an entire episode of her show Thursday just pointing wildly at a picture of Russian president Vladimir Putin. For the first segment of the program, the political pundit reportedly jabbed her finger at Putin’s photo as…
‘Roseanne’ Taping Repeatedly Interrupted By Reporters Trying To Interview Members Of White Working Class
LOS ANGELES—Frustrating the producers who had to keep stopping due to the steady stream of journalists walking on set, sources confirmed that a taping of a Roseanne episode was repeatedly interrupted Wednesday by reporters trying to interview members of the white working class. “We’re forced to call cut every five…
Dana Loesch Rethinking Loyalties After Seeing How Much Airtime Teen Activists Getting
DALLAS—Contemplating how pivoting away from her hardline pro-gun stance might boost her career, National Rifle Association spokeswoman Dana Loesch was reportedly rethinking her loyalties Monday after witnessing the sheer amount of airtime teen anti-gun activists had garnered in recent weeks. “These Parkland kids are…
CNN Panelists Warn North Korea Situation Way Too Complex For Them To Discuss Intelligently
ATLANTA—Explaining that the topic involves an elaborate web of military, political, and economic issues, CNN panelists warned Monday that the North Korea situation was way too complex for them to discuss intelligently. “Viewers should understand that a CNN panel has absolutely no business deliberating about the…
‘Diversity Was The Real Winner Last Night,’ Report Hundreds Of Dumbasses Whose Very Existence Insults The Name Of Journalism
LOS ANGELES—Gushing that yesterday’s Oscars had changed the face of Hollywood forever, hundreds of total fucking dumbasses whose very existence insults the name of journalism reported Monday that “diversity was the real winner last night.” “On a night traditionally filled with glitz and glam, it was race and gender…
