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Nation’s Entertainment Reporters Return To Celeb Beach Body Beat Following Coverage Of Weinstein Scandal

LOS ANGELES—Saying they felt a renewed sense of duty to expose unsightly cellulite and fashion missteps, the nation’s entertainment reporters returned to the celebrity beach body beat Thursday after two weeks of covering sexual assault allegations against Harvey Weinstein. “For a while there, it was all hands on deck…

Online Activists Unsure About Offensiveness Of Article, Figure They’ll Destroy Author’s Life Just In Case

SEATTLE—Figuring it was the best way to hedge their bets, online activists reportedly unsure about the offensiveness of an article Wednesday figured they’d destroy the author’s life just in case. “Reading this piece, there are quite a few challenging viewpoints that I haven’t quite thought through, but it’s probably…

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Aides Say Bannon Was Not On The Record When He Issued Deafening, Atonal Howl That Caused Journalist’s Skull To Explode

WASHINGTON—Saying that the huge breach of trust clearly violated journalistic ethics, White House aides confirmed Thursday that Chief Strategist Steve Bannon was not on the record when he issued the deafening, atonal howl that caused a reporter’s head to explode. “Mr. Bannon’s unbroken three-hour shriek was given in…