‘Sir, You Stated You Wanted To Modernize The Grinch For Today’s Audience,’ Says New CNN Entertainment Reporter Jim Acosta

LOS ANGELES—In a heated exchange during a contentious press conference, new CNN entertainment reporter Jim Acosta pressed film directors Scott Mosier and Yarrow Cheney Thursday on an earlier statement they had made concerning their desire to modernize the Grinch for today’s audience. “Sir, you’re on record stating…

FiveThirtyEight Staff Finds Hundreds Of Nate Silvers Representing Every Voting Demographic In America After Disastrous Aggregator Explosion

NEW YORK—Embodying every potential voter from a 75-year-old Latina grandmother of 12 to a Generation Z high school senior living in the Atlanta exurbs, hundreds of Nate Silvers representing every voting demographic in America ran rampant through the FiveThirtyEight.com offices Thursday following a disastrous explosion…

‘Fox & Friends’ Denounces Bombing Suspect As Overenthusiastic Fan Whose Heart Basically In Right Place

NEW YORK—Taking a moment from their morning broadcast to castigate Cesar Soyec, the man accused with mailing out explosives to numerous prominent Democrats and Trump critics, Fox & Friends hosts denounced the bombing suspect Monday as an overenthusiastic fan whose heart was basically in the right place. “This…

Election-Crazed ‘New York Times’ Expands Poll Coverage To 18.5 Million More Races In 371 Additional States

NEW YORK—Touting its mission to advance the interests of democracy by keeping Americans informed ahead of the Nov. 6 vote, an election-crazed New York Times announced Tuesday an expansion of its poll coverage to 18.5 million more races in 371 additional states. “We’re proud to say we’ve dispatched teams of reporters…

David Remnick Quietly Relieved He Won’t Have To Lose Debate To Steve Bannon In Front Of Everyone 

NEW YORK—Grateful he was able to avoid what surely would have been a humiliating defeat, New Yorker editor David Remnick quietly expressed relief Tuesday that he wouldn’t have to lose a debate to Steve Bannon next month in front of everyone attending his magazine’s fall festival. “Man, I really dodged a bullet there,”…

White House Reporters Warn Huckabee Sanders She Harming America And It’s Selling Like Fucking Hotcakes

WASHINGTON—In a statement intended to send a strong message to the White House press secretary in response to her controversial and adversarial remarks regarding the media, press corps reporters united Friday to warn Sarah Huckabee Sanders that her veiled accusations and outright untruths were doing deep, untold harm…

‘New York Times’ Publisher Reveals Asking Trump To Decrease Anti-Media Rhetoric Except Against Those Fuckers At ‘The Washington Post’

WASHINGTON—Citing the potential dangers of continued White House attacks on media outlets, New York Times publisher A.G. Sulzberger revealed Sunday that he asked President Trump to decrease his anti-media rhetoric during their July 20 meeting, excepting those made against “those fuckers at The Washington Post.” “We…

White House Press Corps Wishes Show Of Solidarity Over Banned Reporter Could Be For Better News Organization Than CNN

WASHINGTON—Even as they united behind journalist Kaitlan Collins after the Trump administration barred her from attending a press conference with the president, the White House press corps reportedly admitted Thursday that they wished their show of solidarity over a banned reporter could be for a better news…

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