LOS ANGELES—Far-right media outlet Breitbart News refused Monday to release the names of the 10 dead and 13 wounded in the Santa Fe High School mass shooting, saying that doing so would only give the victims exactly what they wanted. “We’re not going to give these victims the satisfaction of seeing their names and…
NEW YORK—Gracing the cover of her magazine for the 218th time since it began publication in 2000, Oprah Winfrey has broken the record for most appearances on the cover of O, The Oprah Magazine, staff at the publication confirmed Thursday. “We always love having Oprah in the office. She just really embodies what this…
NEW YORK—Following multiple allegations of sexual misbehavior against the former Today Show host, NBC announced Friday that internal investigations found company management had no knowledge of misconduct occurring in Matt Lauer’s network-sanctioned sex dungeon. “We found no evidence that human resources had received…
PERRY, GA—Explaining to the residents that the matter was simply out of his control, television host and landlord Sean Hannity informed tenants living in buildings he owns about the deep-state conspiracy that was forcing him to triple their rents, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I’m sorry, folks, but raising your rent is…
NEW YORK—Welcoming viewers back to an exclusive interview featuring the President’s new attorney, Special Counsel Robert Mueller posed as a Fox News host Thursday to coax Rudy Giuliani into giving him a testimony on Trump. “Rudy, it’s always a pleasure to have you on ‘Mueller Tonight’—now, I wanted to really dig in…
The White House Correspondents’ Association will be holding its annual dinner on April 28, in a tradition that has happened nearly every year since 1921. The Onion presents a timeline of the biggest moments in White House Correspondents’ Dinner history.
NEW YORK—Taking a moment to reflect on how “the world’s most elitist bread” made its way into his current tirade, Fox News anchor Tucker Carlson paused midway through his show Thursday and expressed confusion about why he was currently 20 minutes into an irate rant against croutons. “These overblown, liberal salad…
BAR HARBOR, ME—Explaining that he really needed to escape from the increased public scrutiny into his personal and professional life, stressed-out Fox News host Sean Hannity reportedly bought 12 little cabins in rural Maine over the weekend to get away from it all. “I was getting really burnt out with work stuff and…
NEW YORK—Enraged to the point that she was no longer able to form words, a fuming Rachel Maddow spent an entire episode of her show Thursday just pointing wildly at a picture of Russian president Vladimir Putin. For the first segment of the program, the political pundit reportedly jabbed her finger at Putin’s photo as…
LOS ANGELES—Frustrating the producers who had to keep stopping due to the steady stream of journalists walking on set, sources confirmed that a taping of a Roseanne episode was repeatedly interrupted Wednesday by reporters trying to interview members of the white working class. “We’re forced to call cut every five…
DALLAS—Contemplating how pivoting away from her hardline pro-gun stance might boost her career, National Rifle Association spokeswoman Dana Loesch was reportedly rethinking her loyalties Monday after witnessing the sheer amount of airtime teen anti-gun activists had garnered in recent weeks. “These Parkland kids are…
ATLANTA—Explaining that the topic involves an elaborate web of military, political, and economic issues, CNN panelists warned Monday that the North Korea situation was way too complex for them to discuss intelligently. “Viewers should understand that a CNN panel has absolutely no business deliberating about the…
LOS ANGELES—Gushing that yesterday’s Oscars had changed the face of Hollywood forever, hundreds of total fucking dumbasses whose very existence insults the name of journalism reported Monday that “diversity was the real winner last night.” “On a night traditionally filled with glitz and glam, it was race and gender…
AUSTIN, TX—In the wake of allegations of sexual misconduct by two former employees at his site, InfoWars, a frothing, red-faced Alex Jones repeatedly claimed that sexual harassment was part of a worldwide imbalance in gender power dynamics. “Sexual harassment is just one aspect of a larger system, extending to every…
GEORGETOWN, OH—Following conversations with the Washington Post, the Los Angeles Times, and Newsweek, white supremacist Bryan McCafferty was reportedly exhausted Thursday after a long day of interviews with mainstream news outlets. “God, I really want to just get home and sleep, but I still have a sit-down with the …
