10-Pack Of Swiss Miss Bracing Itself To Shoulder Burden Of Holding Together Man’s Depressing Holiday Alone

YPSILANTI, MI—Preparing to bear the brunt of the lonely winter vacation, a 10-pack of Swiss Miss hot chocolate was reportedly bracing itself Monday to shoulder the burden of holding together local man Josh Hesford’s depressing holiday alone. “Okay, it’s just me and him for the holidays, but don’t worry, you got this,”…

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Aides Concerned Trump’s Mental Health Declining After President Admits He May Not Be Omnipotent Living God

WASHINGTON—Alarmed by the sudden change in his thinking and behavior, White House aides said Tuesday that they were concerned about President Trump’s declining mental health after he admitted he may not be an omnipotent living god. “The president has always been completely clearheaded about his status as the supreme…

Aides Clip Toenails, Wash Hair Of Mumbling, Bedsore-Ridden Trump As President Enters 155th Straight Hour Of Watching Cable News

WASHINGTON—Carefully maneuvering to avoid blocking his view of the television, White House aides were reportedly called upon Tuesday to clip the toenails and wash the hair of the bedsore-ridden, incoherently mumbling President Trump as he entered his 155th straight hour of watching cable news. “It’s important to…

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Friends, Family Waiting For Current Bout Of Man’s Depression To Subside Before Really Laying Into Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Fearing that in his current state he was too fragile to withstand the harsh criticism they wished to level at him, friends and family of area man Todd Freely told reporters Monday that they were waiting for Freely’s most recent bout of depression to subside before they really laid into him. “He’s way too…