10-Pack Of Swiss Miss Bracing Itself To Shoulder Burden Of Holding Together Man’s Depressing Holiday Alone
YPSILANTI, MI—Preparing to bear the brunt of the lonely winter vacation, a 10-pack of Swiss Miss hot chocolate was reportedly bracing itself Monday to shoulder the burden of holding together local man Josh Hesford’s depressing holiday alone. “Okay, it’s just me and him for the holidays, but don’t worry, you got this,”…
‘Any Song Can Be Sad If It Has Sad Memories Attached To It,’ Report Newly Single Sources
NEW YORK—Saying that even the most upbeat tunes could bring one down under the right conditions, newly single sources told reporters Monday that any song can be sad if it has sad memories attached to it. “Sometimes the songs that used to make you the happiest are now the songs that hurt most, you know?” said a teary…
Excitement Shifts To Concern After Coworker Brings Baked Goods Into Office For Fourth Consecutive Day
CHICAGO—Saying the desserts had begun to seem increasingly ominous, coworkers of Angela Shankman told reporters Thursday that their initial excitement had shifted to concern after their colleague brought baked goods into the office for the fourth consecutive day. “Don’t get me wrong, I love coming to work to find…
Aides Concerned Trump’s Mental Health Declining After President Admits He May Not Be Omnipotent Living God
WASHINGTON—Alarmed by the sudden change in his thinking and behavior, White House aides said Tuesday that they were concerned about President Trump’s declining mental health after he admitted he may not be an omnipotent living god. “The president has always been completely clearheaded about his status as the supreme…
Man Worried Any Crazy Person Could Get Hands On Congressional Seat
GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Feeling vulnerable in the wake of yesterday’s mass shooting in Las Vegas, local man Greg Farley was reportedly worried Tuesday that any crazy person could get their hands on a congressional seat. “It’s terrifying to think that House and Senate seats can be obtained by pretty much any maniac who meets…
Report Finds One In Five Americans Struggle With Properly Masking Depression
WASHINGTON—Warning that the problem was even more widespread than previous studies had indicated, a new report published Tuesday in the journal American Psychologist found that one in five Americans struggle with properly masking depression. “According to our research, roughly 20 percent of the population has trouble…
Aides Clip Toenails, Wash Hair Of Mumbling, Bedsore-Ridden Trump As President Enters 155th Straight Hour Of Watching Cable News
WASHINGTON—Carefully maneuvering to avoid blocking his view of the television, White House aides were reportedly called upon Tuesday to clip the toenails and wash the hair of the bedsore-ridden, incoherently mumbling President Trump as he entered his 155th straight hour of watching cable news. “It’s important to…
Depressed Cat Just Going Through Motions Of Destroying Couch
MUSKOGEE, OK—Halfheartedly ripping at the fabric from an armrest, depressed local cat Harvey on Monday was reportedly just going the motions of destroying a couch. According to sources, the American shorthair that has been listlessly raking deep claw marks into most of the couch’s visible surface has been feeling a…
Nation’s Therapists Say Majority Of Issues Could Be Resolved By Not Being So Weird All The Time
WASHINGTON—Saying the method yields positive results almost immediately, a coalition of leading therapists said Thursday that most of the personal issues people experience could be resolved if they would simply stop being so weird all the time.
Report: There Just Something Dark And Intriguing About Man With Serious Personality Disorder
WESTFORD, MA—Admitting that she couldn’t fully describe the enigmatic allure that drew her to him, local woman Laura Saracen told reporters Wednesday there was just something dark and intriguing about 34-year-old Tyler Evans, a man with a serious personality disorder. “I can’t quite put my finger on it, but from the…
Study Finds Expressing Anger In Unhealthy Ways Actually Incredibly Satisfying
BOSTON—Flying in the face of generally accepted beliefs about such outbursts, a new study released by the Boston College Department of Psychology found that expressing anger in unhealthy ways is actually incredibly satisfying. “While not necessarily good for you, our findings strongly suggest that screaming at the top…
Report: Buddy Dysmorphia Sufferers Experience Skewed, Negative Perception Of Shape Of Friends
NEW YORK—Calling it an everyday struggle for millions of young dudes, a new report released Friday by researchers at New York University found that those suffering from buddy dysmorphia experience a skewed, deeply negative perception of the shapes of their friends. “It doesn’t matter if I’m at home, at the gym, or at…
Subconscious Can’t Wait To Turn Offhand Remark From Boss Into Dream About Drowning Horse
BROOKLINE, MA—Chomping at the bit to twist the benign statement into an absolutely terrifying image, the subconscious of local man David Vanwell reportedly couldn’t wait Monday to turn an offhand remark by his boss into a dream about a drowning horse. “Oh yeah, as soon as he falls asleep I’m going to manifest that…
Super 8 Offering Writers Residency For Anyone Working On Suicide Note
PARSIPPANY, NJ—Calling it an idyllic setting for penning one’s final goodbyes, Super 8 Motels announced a new writing residency Friday for anyone working on a suicide note. “Writers accepted to this program will be awarded free lodging in one of our motel rooms, off any highway exit they choose, where they can draw…
