WASHINGTON—Alarmed by the sudden change in his thinking and behavior, White House aides said Tuesday that they were concerned about President Trump’s declining mental health after he admitted he may not be an omnipotent living god. “The president has always been completely clearheaded about his status as the supreme…

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Feeling vulnerable in the wake of yesterday’s mass shooting in Las Vegas, local man Greg Farley was reportedly worried Tuesday that any crazy person could get their hands on a congressional seat. “It’s terrifying to think that House and Senate seats can be obtained by pretty much any maniac who meets…

WASHINGTON—Warning that the problem was even more widespread than previous studies had indicated, a new report published Tuesday in the journal American Psychologist found that one in five Americans struggle with properly masking depression. “According to our research, roughly 20 percent of the population has trouble…

WASHINGTON—Carefully maneuvering to avoid blocking his view of the television, White House aides were reportedly called upon Tuesday to clip the toenails and wash the hair of the bedsore-ridden, incoherently mumbling President Trump as he entered his 155th straight hour of watching cable news. “It’s important to…

MUSKOGEE, OK—Halfheartedly ripping at the fabric from an armrest, depressed local cat Harvey on Monday was reportedly just going the motions of destroying a couch. According to sources, the American shorthair that has been listlessly raking deep claw marks into most of the couch’s visible surface has been feeling a…

WASHINGTON—Saying the method yields positive results almost immediately, a coalition of leading therapists said Thursday that most of the personal issues people experience could be resolved if they would simply stop being so weird all the time.

WESTFORD, MA—Admitting that she couldn’t fully describe the enigmatic allure that drew her to him, local woman Laura Saracen told reporters Wednesday there was just something dark and intriguing about 34-year-old Tyler Evans, a man with a serious personality disorder. “I can’t quite put my finger on it, but from the…

BOSTON—Flying in the face of generally accepted beliefs about such outbursts, a new study released by the Boston College Department of Psychology found that expressing anger in unhealthy ways is actually incredibly satisfying. “While not necessarily good for you, our findings strongly suggest that screaming at the top…

NEW YORK—Calling it an everyday struggle for millions of young dudes, a new report released Friday by researchers at New York University found that those suffering from buddy dysmorphia experience a skewed, deeply negative perception of the shapes of their friends. “It doesn’t matter if I’m at home, at the gym, or at…

BROOKLINE, MA—Chomping at the bit to twist the benign statement into an absolutely terrifying image, the subconscious of local man David Vanwell reportedly couldn’t wait Monday to turn an offhand remark by his boss into a dream about a drowning horse. “Oh yeah, as soon as he falls asleep I’m going to manifest that…

PARSIPPANY, NJ—Calling it an idyllic setting for penning one’s final goodbyes, Super 8 Motels announced a new writing residency Friday for anyone working on a suicide note. “Writers accepted to this program will be awarded free lodging in one of our motel rooms, off any highway exit they choose, where they can draw…

URBANA, IL—Saying there are places it’s best to avoid once the sun goes down, local woman Annabelle Fulton told reporters Friday that she knows to stay away from certain parts of her own psyche at night. “Just to be safe, I always make a point of steering clear of dark areas of my subconscious once it starts getting…

ST. CLOUD, MN—Fearing that in his current state he was too fragile to withstand the harsh criticism they wished to level at him, friends and family of area man Todd Freely told reporters Monday that they were waiting for Freely’s most recent bout of depression to subside before they really laid into him. “He’s way too…

CHICAGO—Expressing gratitude for the many sources of emotional comfort and support, local woman Shawna Padden told reporters Friday that she is happy to have such good takeout places she can call when feeling low. “It means so much knowing that I have all these great restaurants that I can turn to for solace when I’m…

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life. “Fuck yeah, this is awesome!” said Caramanica, who had spent nine years sober but now joyfully drank directly from two…

CHAMPAIGN, IL—Confirming that the findings were consistent across all age, gender, racial, and socioeconomic demographics, a study published Monday in The American Journal of Psychology determined that “hangin’ in there” is the best one can ever expect to feel. “After surveying the emotional state of thousands of…