Mueller Immediately Regrets Coercing Michael Cohen To Flip On Trump After Having To Spend Time With Him

WASHINGTON—Admitting that it was probably the worst mistake he has made since starting the investigation, Special Counsel Robert Mueller told reporters Wednesday that he immediately regretted coercing Michael Cohen to flip on the president after having to spend time with him. “At first, I thought that getting Cohen to…

Trump Vindicated After Rest Of Leaked Recording Reveals Him Urging Racial Reconciliation, Calling For Interfaith Dialogue, Condemning Gender Inequality

WASHINGTON—Expressing relief that the leaked recording of his meeting with lawyer Michael Cohen revealed more than merely his practice of paying hush money to his mistresses, President Donald Trump told the reporters Thursday that he felt “vindicated” by the captured conversation, during which he clearly and…

President’s Lawyers Move To Discredit Michael Cohen By Pointing Out History Of Committing Crimes For Trump

WASHINGTON—Claiming that such an obviously corrupt and dishonest individual could not be trusted to provide accurate testimony, the president’s lawyers reportedly moved to discredit Michael Cohen Thursday by pointing out his long history of committing crimes for Donald Trump. “We’re talking about a man who has…

In Response To Michael Cohen, ‘The Onion’ Pledges To Remove All Negative Trump Coverage In Exchange For A Direct Line To The President

The Onion, in recent days, has attempted to contend with a serious legal threat issued in 2013 by the president’s personal attorney. In exchange for removing an offending piece written by Mr. Trump, titled “When You’re Feeling Low, Just Remember I’ll Be Dead In About 15 Or 20 Years,” our publication hoped for a speedy…

‘The Onion’ Has Finally Read Michael Cohen’s 2013 Email Regarding His Client Donald Trump And Would Like To Discuss The Matter Further At His Convenience

In a free press, journalists must expose the truth even if it upsets those in power. Our work often leads to significant backlash, and we at The Onion are no strangers to receiving threats of legal action. While we generally dismiss them as the baseless accusations they are, we recently found an old cease-and-desist…