‘Holy Shit, The Government Owes Me 50 Million Dollars,’ Reports Man Incorrectly Filling Out His Taxes

CINCINNATI—Excited by the prospect of quitting his retail job and moving to his own South Pacific island, 28-year-old Ben Hughes learned Friday that he would be receiving $50 million in returns from the federal government after incorrectly filling out his taxes. “Wait, let me double-check this—yep, 50 million dollars,…

25-Year-Old Moving Into Comfortable, Rent-Free Arrangement In Parents’ Home Worried He’s Hit Rock Bottom

CLEVELAND—Speculating that he had quite possibly reached the lowest point in his life thus far, 25-year-old Jeremy Garcia admitted he was worried he had hit rock bottom Wednesday after moving into a comfortable, rent-free arrangement in his parents’ house. “I’m deeply ashamed...I have no idea how I let things get this…

Experts Report $37 Amount Of Money You Need To Donate To Hurricane Relief In Order To Completely Forget About It

WASHINGTON—Saying that the charitable contribution would immediately provide a clear conscience, experts reported Friday that you need to donate $37 to hurricane relief in order to completely forget about what happened. “Concerned individuals have been asking what they can do to stop feeling bad about hurricane…

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Study Finds Americans Do Most Financial Planning When Figuring Out How To Get Money’s Worth At Buffet

WASHINGTON—Shedding light on how the nation managed its wealth, a study released Thursday by the Pew Research Center revealed that Americans conduct the vast majority of their financial planning when figuring out how to get their money’s worth at an all-you-can-eat buffet. “Our data show that Americans devote the…

Report Finds Koch Brothers Increasingly Falling Under Control Of Influential, High-Powered Trillionaire

WASHINGTON—Saying their benefactor sways their positions on everything from healthcare to the environment to economic policy, a new report released Thursday by the Center for Transparent Government found that the Koch brothers are increasingly falling under the influence of a mysterious, high-powered trillionare. “We…