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Experts Report $37 Amount Of Money You Need To Donate To Hurricane Relief In Order To Completely Forget About It

WASHINGTON—Saying that the charitable contribution would immediately provide a clear conscience, experts reported Friday that you need to donate $37 to hurricane relief in order to completely forget about what happened. “Concerned individuals have been asking what they can do to stop feeling bad about hurricane…

Study Finds Americans Do Most Financial Planning When Figuring Out How To Get Money’s Worth At Buffet

WASHINGTON—Shedding light on how the nation managed its wealth, a study released Thursday by the Pew Research Center revealed that Americans conduct the vast majority of their financial planning when figuring out how to get their money’s worth at an all-you-can-eat buffet. “Our data show that Americans devote the…

Report Finds Koch Brothers Increasingly Falling Under Control Of Influential, High-Powered Trillionaire

WASHINGTON—Saying their benefactor sways their positions on everything from healthcare to the environment to economic policy, a new report released Thursday by the Center for Transparent Government found that the Koch brothers are increasingly falling under the influence of a mysterious, high-powered trillionare. “We…

Report: Bellagio Voted Best Casino For Standing Around Too Nervous To Approach A Poker Table

LAS VEGAS—Praising it as the perfect destination for the trepidatious gambler, a new poll released Wednesday in Casino Player magazine voted the Bellagio the best casino for standing around too nervous to approach a poker table. “Our readers overwhelmingly agree that the Bellagio Resort is the number-one spot for…

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Reality Of Fatherhood Never Truly Dawned On Man Until He Held Newborn Son’s Hospital Bill

MISSOULA, MT—Describing how he suddenly found himself overwhelmed by a flood of intense emotions, local man Mike Bentzen told reporters Monday the reality of fatherhood didn’t truly set in for him until the moment he held his newborn son’s hospital bill. “Wow, this is going to totally change my life,” said Bentzen as…

Apartment Broker Recommends Brooklyn Residents Spend No More Than 150% Of Income On Rent

BROOKLYN, NY—Urging apartment hunters to keep their search within reasonable bounds and avoid excessively high leases, real estate broker Katherine Rivera recommend Friday that Brooklyn residents spend no more than 150 percent of their income on rent. “When you’re looking for a new place in Brooklyn, limiting yourself…

Gifted, Passionate Student Really Stretching Limits Of School’s Resources

ANNANDALE, VA—Calling the sophomore’s hunger for knowledge “out of control,” officials at Pine Hills High School confirmed Monday that gifted and highly passionate student Sophie Moncrief, 16, is really stretching the school’s resources to their breaking point. “This kid’s got a full slate of classes, including…