SEATTLE, WA—Calling their intended investment “$20 million down the goddamn drain,” philanthropist Bill Gates and wife Melinda released a statement Wednesday saying they were shocked to learn that the Akantome Elementary School in Ejura, Ghana had neither a plan in place nor indeed any intention to return funds…
OXFORD, MS—Sensing that their colleague had suddenly moved up in the world, break room sources at Randall Elementary School reported Wednesday that fifth-grade teacher Patricia Adams—who was earlier spotted with a new set of chalk holders—must have come into some money recently. “Damn, looks like Patty’s become…
WASHINGTON—Finding themselves increasingly annoyed with the inexplicable and infuriating persistence of their feeble socioeconomic inferiors, America’s rich and powerful were at a loss Wednesday as to exactly when the rest of the country would finally relinquish all hope and simply give up, sources close to the 1…
CINCINNATI—Excited by the prospect of quitting his retail job and moving to his own South Pacific island, 28-year-old Ben Hughes learned Friday that he would be receiving $50 million in returns from the federal government after incorrectly filling out his taxes. “Wait, let me double-check this—yep, 50 million dollars,…
Many people use outside help to file their taxes, and are faced with the choice of using a tax-preparation software or paying a CPA to do them. The Onion presents a side-by-side comparison of using software vs. hiring a professional.
CLEVELAND—Speculating that he had quite possibly reached the lowest point in his life thus far, 25-year-old Jeremy Garcia admitted he was worried he had hit rock bottom Wednesday after moving into a comfortable, rent-free arrangement in his parents’ house. “I’m deeply ashamed...I have no idea how I let things get this…
VICTORIA, SEYCHELLES—Welling with pride as the child made his initial $2 million deposit, hedge fund billionaire Seymour Gansthorpe reportedly helped his son Elwin, 8, open his first offshore bank account, sources reported Tuesday. “These are the kinds of things you live for as a dad: getting to watch your little boy…
Crowdfunding has become a popular way to raise money from friends, family, and strangers for everything from artistic projects to medical expenses. The Onion presents a step-by-step guide to running a successful crowdfunding campaign:
AMARILLO, TX—The sufficiency of its funds mysteriously defying any rational explanation, a miracle paycheck received a week ago by local woman Jennifer Callahan, 27, somehow lasted seven whole days, according to sources. “It was just one check, but every day when I went to look, there was still some money left,” a…
NEW YORK—Saying it may account for the precipitous drop in the digital currency, financial experts on Friday told reporters that the recent plunge in bitcoin value could reveal vulnerabilities in crazy imaginary internet money. “This should serve as a clear indicator of how susceptible weird invisible money that only…
PHILADELPHIA—Saying you’d take to your new way of life almost immediately, a study published by sociologists at the University of Pennsylvania on Friday suggests that you would have absolutely no problems being a rich asshole. “Although you currently express considerable disdain for rich assholes, the data…
WASHINGTON—Saying that the charitable contribution would immediately provide a clear conscience, experts reported Friday that you need to donate $37 to hurricane relief in order to completely forget about what happened. “Concerned individuals have been asking what they can do to stop feeling bad about hurricane…
ATLANTA—Saying you’d feel sick to your stomach if you knew how big the difference was, some shithead out there makes so much more money than you do, sources reported Wednesday. In addition to earning your annual salary in a single month, the goddamn sonofabitch reportedly works half as many hours per week, all without…
WASHINGTON—Shedding light on how the nation managed its wealth, a study released Thursday by the Pew Research Center revealed that Americans conduct the vast majority of their financial planning when figuring out how to get their money’s worth at an all-you-can-eat buffet. “Our data show that Americans devote the…
WASHINGTON—Saying their benefactor sways their positions on everything from healthcare to the environment to economic policy, a new report released Thursday by the Center for Transparent Government found that the Koch brothers are increasingly falling under the influence of a mysterious, high-powered trillionare. “We…
LAS VEGAS—Praising it as the perfect destination for the trepidatious gambler, a new poll released Wednesday in Casino Player magazine voted the Bellagio the best casino for standing around too nervous to approach a poker table. “Our readers overwhelmingly agree that the Bellagio Resort is the number-one spot for…
