Audience Left Wondering What Happened After Action Film Pans From Character To Shot Of Blood Spattering Against Wall

PARK CITY, UT—Admitting they felt utterly bewildered after viewing the new action movie Run River, audience members voiced their confusion Monday regarding a shot that panned from the villain to blood spattering against a wall. “It was really unclear; first, you see the bad guy with his hands up, then the camera moves…

Negative Review Of ‘A Wrinkle In Time’ Peppered With Critic Assuring Readers He Still Totally Supports Diversity

OAKLAND, CA—Alternating his problems with the film’s story structure, pacing, and overall tone with effusive praise for the cast of strong, multicultural women, Bay Area Examiner film columnist Justin Garren published a negative review of A Wrinkle In Time Friday in which he nevertheless took pains to remind his…

Hungover Guillermo Del Toro Panics After Realizing He Promised To Write New Movie For Everyone At Oscars After-Party

LOS ANGELES—Growing increasingly nauseous while reading dozens of text messages and email follow-ups, a hungover Guillermo Del Toro reportedly panicked Monday after realizing he promised to write new movies for everyone he spoke to at the Oscars after-party. “Oh god, my fucking head—I can’t believe I agreed to make…

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