June 11 marked the 25th anniversary since Jurassic Park was released in theaters, spawning a media franchise that includes four films (with at least two more on the way) and a variety of video games and comics. The Onion looks back at some of the milestones from the dinosaur disaster series’s 25 years.

LOS ANGELES—Touting the upcoming film as a significant visual leap forward from the previous ones in the series, producers of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom told reporters Wednesday that their production includes a more scientifically accurate Jeff Goldblum. “Thanks to advances in cinematic technology and digital…

LOS ANGELES—Ensuring that the project could be deployed at a moment’s notice at all times, an assistant always follows around Warner Bros. CEO Kevin Tsujihara with a suitcase containing the codes to authorize Collateral Beauty 2, sources confirmed Friday. “Whenever Mr. Tsujihara is traveling outside of the office, I…

BURBANK, CA—Promising that the new feature will eliminate untold hours in editorial busywork, screenwriting software Final Draft released an update Thursday that includes stock female characters to help fill out scripts. “From aspiring writers to Hollywood pros, we’ve made it easier than ever to pad out your movie…

GREEN BAY, WI—Expressing concern that the latest film might let fans like him down, area man Tom Molina was doubtful Thursday that Solo: A Star Wars Story could ever live up to Denny’s Blaster Fire Burger. “I really hope the movie can match the immersive, world-building experience I had eating the Blaster Fire Burger,…

The summer of 2018 promises to offer the typical onslaught of blockbusters, thrillers, and occasional artsy fare. The Onion takes a look at the most anticipated movies of the summer of 2018.

EMERYVILLE, CA—Criticizing the Motion Picture Association of America for its lack of transparency in the matter, the producers of Incredibles 2 on Monday divulged that they were forced to cut a grisly cannibalism scene in order to secure the film’s PG rating. “Honestly, I don’t see what they find so offensive about…

SALEM, VA—According to moviegoers currently bracing for the next 95 minutes, the cool glitch effect used on the Warner Bros. logo during the film’s intro sequence must mean that some serious shit is about to go down. “Oh, man, here we go. The normal picture got all distorted for a second, and the musical sting was…

NEW YORK—Expressing their excitement at the preview of the latest installment in the popular franchise, self-proclaimed Star Wars fans told reporters Monday that they were blown away by a newly released Solo trailer that sheds light on specifically how the upcoming film will suck. “In the past, they’ve teased at the…

BURBANK, CA—In a revelation that many are saying will tarnish his widely celebrated legacy, sources confirmed Thursday that damning footage recently obtained from Warner Bros. Pictures shows stage and film star Al Jolson wearing blackface. “It’s unfortunate, given all his contributions to American popular music, but I…

PARK CITY, UT—Admitting they felt utterly bewildered after viewing the new action movie Run River, audience members voiced their confusion Monday regarding a shot that panned from the villain to blood spattering against a wall. “It was really unclear; first, you see the bad guy with his hands up, then the camera moves…