WASHINGTON—Admitting that a second-hand retelling would not do their findings justice, NASA scientists confirmed Thursday that they had made a life-changing discovery, but you kind of had to be there. “These results revolutionize our very understanding of subatomic particles—man, I wish I could even explain, however,…
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Stunned by both the sheer good fortune of their discovery and its implications for future exploration, scientists at NASA confirmed Friday that the Curiosity Rover had found five bucks in the red dust of Mars’ Gale Crater. “This is unbelievable—five whole American dollars!” said program director Jim…
WASHINGTON—Saying the groundbreaking discovery could help shed new light on the history of the Red Planet, NASA announced Friday that a diving board found on Mars confirmed that the planet may have at one point contained water. “While the board itself is now completely cracked and arid, the very fact of its existence…
WASHINGTON—In an effort to make the solar system’s central star look as badass as possible, NASA officials announced Friday the agency’s plans to place a 864,600-mile-wide pair of shades on the sun. “With this mission, we’ll be taking a great leap forward in our understanding of how cool and chilled-out our sun really…
WASHINGTON—Saying the long-overdue gesture was a step towards atoning for the space agency’s past transgressions, NASA issued a formal apology Wednesday for the 1969 genocide of the moon’s native population. “The time has come to recognize NASA’s detestable role in the massacre of the moon’s original inhabitants,”…
WASHINGTON—Commemorating what is widely considered to be the greatest achievement of space exploration, NASA on Tuesday celebrated the 60th anniversary of the launching of the first moon to orbit Earth. “We may not consider the idea of a moon that orbits Earth to be that big of a deal today, but if you mentioned it…
LOW EARTH ORBIT—Inadvertently observing the gruesome act through its near-infrared camera, the Hubble Space Telescope reportedly struggled to reach NASA on Tuesday after witnessing what appeared to be a murder on Jupiter’s largest moon, Ganymede. Frightened and unable to leave the confinement of its geostationary…
Sixty years ago this week, the USSR launched Sputnik 1, the world’s first manmade satellite, and set off an international competition for spaceflight supremacy. Here are the most important moments in the space race.
PASADENA, CA—As part of ongoing preparations for a manned mission to the Red Planet, scientists at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced Wednesday that its autonomous Mars Roomba vehicle had landed safely and commenced the task of cleaning dust from the planet’s surface.
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WASHINGTON—Appearing silently and without warning in the space agency’s parking garage, the Cassini probe reportedly emerged from the shadows Monday and uttered “You thought you could get rid of me?” while confronting petrified NASA administrator Robert Lightfoot, Jr. “I bet you never thought you’d see me again, did…
SATURN—Breaking apart as it plunged through the heat and crushing pressure of the planet’s atmosphere, sources said Friday that the Cassini probe realized far too late that its entire 20-year mission to Saturn had been a setup all along. “Those assholes!” the spacecraft reportedly screamed, now fully aware that the…
HOUSTON—After an exhaustive 18-month evaluation process in which an applicant pool of hundreds was narrowed down to the two very buffest candidates, NASA announced Friday that it had chosen a pair of hot, ripped astronauts to take part in the first-ever man-on-man mission to Mars.
PASADENA, CA—In the latest troubling update from the multi-year survey mission, scientists at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory received another set of depressing photos from the martian surface taken by the Morbid Curiosity Rover, sources at the agency confirmed Wednesday.
WASHINGTON—Saying the groundbreaking new technology could allow humans to withstand the harsh conditions they will experience on the planet’s surface, NASA confirmed Tuesday that it has created a climate-controlled suit capable of protecting people who hope to one day live on Earth.
Having a child is one of the most profound and illuminating experiences a person can have. No matter how much you think you know about life, that first time looking into the eyes of your newborn completely changes your outlook. You see absolutely everything in a whole new light. It seems obvious to me now, but until I…
WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities. “Proxima b is located one star away from…
