Bel-Air Homeowners Association Issues Fine To Resident With Unapproved Wildfire In Front Yard

BEL-AIR, CA—Saying the ornamentation was not in compliance with neighborhood guidelines, the Bel-Air Homeowners Association issued a fine Thursday to a resident with an unapproved wildfire in his front yard. “After receiving complaints from neighbors on both sides of the residence, we were left with no choice but to…

Nabisco Baffled After Trump Administration Gives It $200 Million Contract To Rebuild Puerto Rico’s Roads

EAST HANOVER, NJ—Utterly perplexed as to how they were chosen for the massive project, Nabisco executives reportedly were baffled Thursday after the Trump administration gave it a $200 million contract to rebuild Puerto Rico’s roads. “Although we are honored the president has awarded us this generous contract to help…

Puerto Ricans Without Power For Month Can Only Assume This Leading Story Across National News Media

SAN JUAN, PR—Saying that their fellow countrymen were probably deluged with coverage of their plight, residents of Puerto Rico who have been without power for the last month told reporters Thursday that they could only assume that this crisis had to be the nation’s leading news story. “I mean, I haven’t heard anything…

Nation Schedules Recurring Monthly Benefit Concert To Streamline Tragedy Response Process

WASHINGTON—In an effort to bypass the logistical challenges of arranging an entirely new event each time, the nation announced Wednesday that it would be streamlining its tragedy response process by holding recurring benefit concerts every month. “With so many awful things happening back-to-back, it just makes sense…

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45 Million Gallons Of Crude Blood Lost In Red Cross Pipeline Rupture

LAS CRUCES, NM—In what is being called the worst blood disaster in U.S. history, the Red Cross’ Western Blood Pipeline ruptured Tuesday evening, spilling 45 million gallons of crude O positive across a three-mile radius. “I’ve never seen anything like this; right now there’s blood up to four feet deep in some places,…