FEMA Airdrops Emergency Cyanide Pills For Residents Stranded By Hurricane Florence

WILMINGTON, NC—In an effort to provide aid to those affected by the devastating weather event, FEMA representatives confirmed Monday the completion of their mission to airdrop emergency cyanide pills for residents stranded by Hurricane Florence. “We’ve spared no expense in making sure the residents of these areas are…

FEMA Officials Panic After Accidentally Evacuating 1 Million Residents In Direction Of Hurricane

GREENVILLE, NC—As the massive, potentially life-threatening storm began to make landfall in the Carolinas Thursday morning, officials from the Federal Emergency Management Agency were reportedly panicking after realizing they accidentally evacuated 1 million residents in the direction of Hurricane Florence. “Oh God,…

Myrtle Beach Resident Refuses To Evacuate From Family’s Ancestral Ron Jon Surf Shop

MYRTLE BEACH, SC—Standing firm in his commitment to the historic property amid mounting apprehension over the approach of Category 4 Hurricane Florence, Myrtle Beach resident Dennis Brock told reporters Monday he refused to evacuate from his family’s ancestral Ron Jon Surf Shop. “I don’t care what the government tries…

Trump Revokes Puerto Rico Recovery Funds After Learning Hurricane Maria Had Fewer Survivors

WASHINGTON—Following the release of official reports that attributed 2,975 deaths to the 2017 storm instead of the previous estimate of 64, President Donald Trump announced Wednesday that he was revoking a significant amount of funding devoted to Puerto Rico after learning that Hurricane Maria had way fewer survivors.…

Embarrassed California Firefighters Realize They’ve Been Spraying Flames This Whole Time

WITTER SPRINGS, CA—Mortified at making such a boneheaded mistake during the largest blaze in state history, embarrassed California firefighters realized Tuesday that they have been spraying flames this whole time. “Aw, jeez, we’ve been using the fire cannons all along? That explains a lot,” said state firefighter Greg…

Bel-Air Homeowners Association Issues Fine To Resident With Unapproved Wildfire In Front Yard

BEL-AIR, CA—Saying the ornamentation was not in compliance with neighborhood guidelines, the Bel-Air Homeowners Association issued a fine Thursday to a resident with an unapproved wildfire in his front yard. “After receiving complaints from neighbors on both sides of the residence, we were left with no choice but to…