Man Guessing He’s Stared At Giant Sequoia Long Enough To Appreciate It

RED FIR, CA—Spending what seemed like the correct amount of time soaking in the beauty of the massive tree, local man Matt Tedesco assumed Wednesday that he probably stared at a giant sequoia long enough to appreciate it. “I mean, it’s definitely really big, and I went and stood under it, so I think I get how majestic…

Caterpillar In Pupal Stage For Past 3 Months Going To Be Pissed If It Turns Out To Be Moth

CORVALLIS, OR—Seething with anger at the mere prospect of such an outcome, a local caterpillar, who has spent the past three months in its pupal stage, acknowledged Tuesday that it would be extremely pissed off if, upon maturation, it turned out to be a moth. “I swear to fucking God, if I’ve spent 90 days cooped up in…

Orca Mother Carries Around Dead Calf For Two Weeks As Warning To All Who Would Defy Her

FRIDAY HARBOR, WA—Saying that the unusual behavior was in fact a natural expression of the animal’s relationship to both its dead kin and its social environment, experts at the Center for Whale Research held a dockside press conference Monday to confirm that the orca who carried around her dead calf for two weeks did…

Woodpecker Having Difficulty Remembering Tree Where He Got The Really Good Bugs That One Time

SUCHES, GA—Expressing frustration that he hadn’t made a mental note when he first encountered such a stellar food source, a woodpecker was reportedly having difficulty Tuesday remembering the tree where he got all those really good bugs that one time. “I know it’s somewhere in this stretch of forest, but I can’t for…

Man Who Has Never Seen Horseshoe Crab Before Understandably Freaking The Fuck Out

NORTH BEACH, MD—Backing away slowly as the prehistoric antediluvian monster scuttled ever closer to his beach blanket, first-time horseshoe crab viewer Greg Zeller, 33, of Davenport, IA understandably freaked right the fuck out Tuesday. “Holy shit—what the fuck is that thing?” exclaimed the vacationing insurance…

Maple Tree Wishes It Was Given A Say In Becoming Memorial To Man’s Dead Wife

CHICOPEE, MA—Expressing frustration that the new role had been imposed on it without even so much as a warning, a recently planted maple tree reportedly wished Tuesday that it had been given a say in becoming a memorial to a man’s dead wife. “It’s just a really awkward position to be put in; I didn’t even know the…

Once-Adventurous Salmon Can’t Believe She Ended Up Moving Back To Birthplace, Having A Bunch Of Kids

PENOBSCOT RIVER, ME—Recalling numerous thrill-seeking exploits and fearless endeavors, a north Atlantic salmon confirmed Monday that, having always lived an adventurous life, she couldn’t believe she ended up moving back to her birthplace and having a bunch of kids. “I was carefree and always up for going wherever the…

Entomologists Retract New Spider Species Discovery After Determining It Actually Just Clump Of Dust, Hair

ANNAPOLIS, MD—Apologizing profusely for failing to properly confirm their findings before going public, researchers from the Entomological Society of America retracted Tuesday their claims about the discovery of a new species of spider last week, admitting that the supposed arachnid was actually just a clump of dust…