DALLAS—In an effort to make himself more appealing to voters, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) reportedly tried to connect with the audience at a candidate forum Tuesday by wearing the bloody, skinned face of a far more handsome man as a mask. “People are really responding to this new, dapper Ted Cruz,” said campaign manager Jeff…

SKOKIE, IL—Wistfully imagining a future she hopes is not too far away, area woman Margaret Bridgemeyer told reporters Tuesday she yearns for the day when the first female president of the United States will have a tell-all book written about her that contains explicit descriptions of her repulsive vagina. “I have to…

WASHINGTON—In a stark reversal of earlier immigration policy, President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that his administration was increasing the number of asylum seekers allowed to enter the United States’ spike-filled refugee compactor. “We feel strongly that 15 million people fleeing abuses in their own countries…

PITTSBURGH—Breaking down while discussing the horrible condition behind his absence, an emotional Le’Veon Bell revealed to reporters Tuesday that his ongoing holdout was a result of forgetting how to run. “People are attacking me, saying this is about greed or ego, but the truth is I’ve completely blanked on how to…

JOHTO—Cruelly tantalized by the dream of life in the green and plentiful land just beyond his reach, video game character Ethan spent countless processor cycles Tuesday staring impotently at the forbidden realm stretching out beyond the line of impassable waist-high bushes at his feet. “All my powers, all my…

INDIANAPOLIS, IN—Saying the groundbreaking discovery could potentially silence even their fiercest critics, scientists at Indiana University’s School of Medicine announced Tuesday that they had almost developed a life-saving vaccine that they could rub in the faces of all their doubters. “This injection, once it is…

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Carefully establishing a reminder lest they lose themselves in a moment of exuberance, fraternity brothers at the University of Virgina’s Sigma Chi chapter made a note Tuesday not to kill a member of their new pledge class during the intense hazing process, as his family happens to own a commodious…

WILMINGTON, NC—In an effort to provide aid to those affected by the devastating weather event, FEMA representatives confirmed Monday the completion of their mission to airdrop emergency cyanide pills for residents stranded by Hurricane Florence. “We’ve spared no expense in making sure the residents of these areas are…

HONOLULU—Offering new insights into the vast expanses of water that make up nearly three quarters of the planet’s surface, marine biologists at the Hawaii Oceanographic Institute announced Monday that the majority of the world’s oceans remain boring as shit. “Even after centuries of human exploration and study, more…

WASHINGTON—Proclaiming that the government’s rescue efforts have brought several U.S. citizens into the world, the White House announced Monday that the official Hurricane Florence death toll had been raised to -17. “Thanks to President Trump’s incredible hurricane response team, the population of North and South…

WASHINGTON—Following Christine Blasey Ford’s accusation that he sexually assaulted her at a high school party, sources close to Brett M. Kavanaugh told reporters Monday that the nominee was “sweating bullets” due to betting his entire life savings on his confirmation to the Supreme Court. “Oh, shit, it was a sure…

WASHINGTON—In the wake of the release of a letter implicating the Supreme Court nominee in a sexual assault, Senate Republicans told reporters Monday that they would seek to delay a vote on Brett Kavanaugh’s confirmation until his accuser, Christine Blasey Ford, was properly smeared. “Given the significance of this…

WICHITA, KS—Expressing their displeasure that the Supreme Court nominee had failed to warn them about a factor that could harm his candidacy, the Koch brothers were reportedly furious Monday that Brett Kavanaugh never disclosed that the nation might care about sexual abuse. “When we agreed to spend millions of dollars…

MENLO PARK, CA—In what industry observers are calling an unprecedented liquidation of soft assets, a cash-strapped Mark Zuckerberg announced Monday that, following a precipitous drop in the value of the social media site’s stock, he had no choice but to to sell off 11 million Facebook users. “It’s a shame it had to…

LOS ANGELES—Calling themselves “practically family” now, Luke and Owen Wilson fondly recalled Monday the first time they met while on the set of Wes Anderson’s 2001 film The Royal Tenenbaums. “I’d always heard about how great Luke was from Wes [Anderson], but it wasn’t until we were finally introduced that I knew he…

KILLEEN, TX—In a singular and anomalous break in his lifelong absence from the wandering thoughts of humanity at large, systems analyst Steven Laposata, 34, was momentarily fantasized about for a period of roughly 15 seconds late Monday. Daydream sources confirmed that Laposata’s coworker and remote acquaintance…