BEIJING—In an effort to reduce the risk of overpopulation within the Muslim ethnic group, Chinese President Xi Jinping announced the decision Thursday to implement a new one-Uighur policy. “This new policy is an important step in keeping the Uighur population down to a number we find most manageable and best for the…

AVONDALE, OH—Confessing that her grief was somewhat moderated by seeing events play out exactly as she had warned, local mother Deborah Klein said Thursday she felt somewhat vindicated upon learning that her teenage daughter Rachel, after staying out later than parental rules allowed, had been murdered. “Sure,…

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Working with cleaning crews alongside the Riyadh-Dammam Highway, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman began serving his 100 hours of court-ordered community service Thursday for murdering journalist Jamal Khashoggi. “Well, I’ll admit it—I got mixed up with the wrong people and I did some bad…

WASHINGTON—A report released Thursday by the U.S. Department of Education revealed that underfunded American public schools, most of which lack even the most basic support systems, were producing students who were perfectly prepared for the remainder of their dismal public and professional lives. “We found daily…

SEATTLE—Appalled by the blatant lack of hygiene from someone they share a workspace with, employees at Avignon Public Relations were reportedly horrified Thursday that their disgusting coworker Mark Sharpe had barely bothered to wash his ass before leaving the restroom. “That’s so gross—I don’t know what he’s…

ST. LOUIS, MO—Stressing the difficulty of moving forward in a particularly trying stage of the mourning process, local widow Simone Irving told reporters Thursday that she still couldn’t bring herself to get rid of her late husband’s corpse. “I know it sounds silly, but it’s the last thing I have of him,” said Irving,…

COLUMBUS, OH—Noting that the contemporary romantic vibe was totally different than the one he experienced in the late Clinton era, recently divorced advertising copywriter Richard Hamlin, 40, admitted Wednesday that he was struggling to navigate the college dating scene. “It’s not easy jumping back into the acton,…

WASHINGTON—Stressing that the situation had become untenable in recent days, aides working for Melania Trump released a statement Wednesday calling for the immediate removal of the first lady from the White House. According to the statement, the first lady “no longer deserves the honor” of serving in the position,…

WASHINGTON—Expressing her excitement at the influx of newly elected progressives in Congress, Nancy Pelosi told reporters Wednesday of her plans to reenergize the House of Representatives by injecting herself with the blood of her party’s young members. “I’m really looking forward to improving the vitality of our…

NEW YORK—Excitedly gathering for a good view, the nation’s tourists announced plans Wednesday to form a wide circle around a group of guys who were doing a bunch of flips and stuff. “We’re absolutely thrilled to stand here and clap our hands along with that guy cradling a boombox, cheering them on as they spin around…

LOS ANGELES—In a concentrated effort to ensure the movie set felt like a safe, supportive place for all those involved, sources confirmed Wednesday that a female director was asked if she felt comfortable filming a scene while nude. “I just wanted to do a quick check with you to make sure you’re comfortable with…

WASHINGTON—Saying the hostile behavior helped Americans feel empowered and liberated, a report released Friday by the Pew Research Center revealed that the nation gets out all of its aggression during monthly phone calls to their wireless provider to fix their service. “Whenever I feel pure, unadulterated rage…

LOS ANGELES—Shedding considerable light on the acclaimed fantasy epic’s long-awaited conclusion, HBO released a new Game Of Thrones trailer Tuesday revealing that the show’s final season will be cobbled together from old footage. “We’re excited to confirm that the final season will focus on previously aired scenes…

FAIRFAX, VA—Citing its longtime commitment to the promotion of safety among firearm enthusiasts, the National Rifle Association published a series of pointers Tuesday on how to keep safe while carrying out a mass shooting. “Every gun owner should know the NRA’s fundamental safety rules so they can avoid being tackled…

NEW YORK—Championing the decision as a necessary step to make the “Big Apple” more tech-friendly, New York City mayor Bill de Blasio announced Tuesday that the subway is just for Amazon employees now. “All 8.6 million New York City residents not employed by Amazon or an Amazon subsidiary are prohibited from using MTA…

WASHINGTON—Challenging any insinuation that he would ever say anything of the kind, Representative Steve King (R-IA) vehemently denied Tuesday comparing immigrants to people. “I would never, under any circumstances, say something so despicable,” said King, who was recently elected to his ninth congressional term,…

CHAPPAQUA, NY—In a press conference announcing her plans for the 2020 election, Hillary Clinton told reporters she is launching a campaign Tuesday that will raise $100 million by the end of the year or else she will run for president. “I’m very excited to roll out my initiative to secure this full amount within seven…