Easy-Going Mel Kiper Predicts Teams Will Do Whatever They Feel Is Right And We Shouldn’t Judge Them
BRISTOL, CT—Cooly asserting that the best choice for everyone at the NFL draft was to “just go with the flow,” an…
Racine Legion To Select Second Overall In NFL Draft Using Pick Acquired In 1923
NASHVILLE, TN—In a long-awaited culmination of the bold strategic move made several seasons ago, the Racine Legion will…
Tesla Posts Massive First Quarter Loss After Self-Driving Car Absconds With $702 Million in Cash
PALO ALTO, CA—Assuring investors that the rogue vehicle would be found and reprogrammed as soon as possible, Tesla…
Man Always Sleeps With Bat Beside Bed Just In Case Any Major League Pitchers Try To Break In
CHICAGO—Saying that he refused to become just another statistic, local man Frank Campbell disclosed Thursday that he…
Local Teen Invents Masturbation
NAPERVILLE, IL—In what is being heralded as a scientific breakthrough on par with Copernicus’ heliocentrism or…
Sanders Supporters Viciously Attack Bernie Sanders After He Criticizes Mistakes Of 2016 Sanders Campaign
BURLINGTON, VT—Expressing their utter disgust and disappointment over the candidate’s remarks, supporters of…
CDC Warns Once-Eradicated Jitterbug Spreading Across Country At Rate Not Seen Since 1940s
ATLANTA—Saying that they’d seen a significant spike in reported cases, the United States Centers for Disease Control…
John Boehner Beheads Juarez Cartel Member Who Dared Muscle In On His Legal Weed Turf
FLINT, MI—Warning that he ran the only drug game in town as he firmly tugged back on the offender’s hair, Acreage…
Diplomatic Pete Buttigieg Quickly Changes Subject From Politics At Town Hall To Avoid Arguments
AMES, IA—Attempting to redirect the conversation to a more neutral topic that would prevent anyone from getting too…
Self-Conscious Man Clearly The Only One In Japanese Restaurant Unsure How To Use Water Glass
SAN DIEGO—Mortified at his lack of familiarity with the seemingly mundane utensil, local diner Thad Jenkins succumbed…
Environmentalists Warn Swedish Fish Population Being Decimated By Great Pacific Sour Patch
SANTA BARBARA, CA—Saying the world must act quickly to save the chewy organisms before it was too late,…
Woman Could Listen To British Guy Scream For Help All Day
DENVER—Confessing that the rich sound of the stabbing victim’s Yorkshire-bred voice made her “go positively weak,”…
Horrified Authorities Discover One-Day-Old Funnel Cake Abandoned In Dumpster
SPARTA, OH—Expressing disgust and shock while describing the disturbing scene, local authorities were reportedly…