‘We Will Never Speak Of This Again,’ Says Trump To Mohammed Bin Salman As They Dump Khashoggi’s Body Into New Jersey River

DELANCO, NJ—Crouching on the river’s muddy banks as they carefully weighed down the journalist’s dismembered corpse with bricks, President Donald Trump informed Mohammed bin Salman Monday that they will never speak of this again as they dumped Jamal Khashoggi’s body into the Delaware River. “This never happened,…

Health Experts Say Tackle Football Poses Little Risk For Children Whose Brains Already Don’t Work That Well

CHICAGO—In an announcement perceived as a major reassurance to parents of children with low cognitive abilities, subpar reasoning skills, or who are simply “not all there,” top national pediatric health experts released a report Monday which claims that full-contact football poses little risk to children whose brains…

Woman Amazed She Found Perfect Partner Just When She Was Getting Desperate Enough To Accept Anything

ELKINS PARK, PA—Saying that “the universe works in mysterious ways,” local woman Rebecca Ellis claimed Monday to be amazed at how she found the perfect partner just when she was getting desperate enough to accept anything. “Who would have thought I’d find the most perfect guy for me at almost the same instant I…

‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby

TULSA, OK—Pausing very briefly to reflect joyfully on her new role amid the day’s flurry of activity, new parent Suzanne Knott declared “becoming a mother has been the most thrilling experience of my life” Friday while fleeing the hospital with the baby she abducted mere moments before. “The very first moment I held…

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