WASHINGTON—Baffled as to how the potentially disastrous mistake could have gone unnoticed for so many years, White House sources confirmed Friday that roughly 417,225 hours of private presidential conversations were discovered immaculately preserved due to the fact that no one remembered to turn off Richard Nixon’s…

GRANDVIEW, TX—Sprinting onto the field with a thundering roar of “Pardon us, please,” the scrupulously polite Grandview Knights high school football team ran around a hand-drawn break-away banner Friday rather than bursting through it, recognizing that it must have taken hours of hard work to make. “So much talent and…

WASHINGTON—Questioning the actions taken by Christine Blasey Ford in the 1980s following the alleged sexual abuse by Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh while they were in high school, President Donald Trump reportedly asked Friday why she didn’t just immediately request hush money. “If this thing actually happened,…

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that they really want to help any way they can, members of Congress announced Friday that while they desperately wish they could lend aid and assistance to the U.S. territory of Puerto Rico while it struggles to recover from Hurricane Maria, the fact remains that the island is all the way over…

NEW HAVEN, CT—Immediately dismissing the high school senior’s chances of acceptance after reviewing his record, Yale admissions officers reportedly decided Friday that an applicant who had actually faced punishment for committing sexual assault was clearly not Yale material. “We have a very high standard here at Yale,…

GALESBURG, IL—Baffled by the unusual pace of their classmate’s social involvement, residents at a Knox College dormitory observed Friday that fellow student Andrew Witte had a friend from home visiting way too soon. “Well, okay. We’ve only been here a couple weeks, and Drew already has a high school buddy crashing in…

UNION, KY—His eyes rolling back as the blinding light emanating from the display filled the room, local man Reeves Halko, his ragged voice barely audible over the deafening sound of cards shuffling faster and faster, confirmed Friday that he never asked for the overwhelming sensory assault of its victory animation.…

WASHINGTON—Urging a return to civility amid a contentious confirmation fight, GOP officials called Thursday for calmer, more reasonable death threats to be made toward Judge Brett Kavanaugh’s accuser. “We understand there’s a lot of controversy around this, but she still deserves to have people threaten to kill her in…

STANFORD, CA—Apparel and textile researchers at Stanford University reported Thursday that, after 18 months of comparing garment and accessory sizes to the wearer’s actual measurements, 80 percent of American women are currently wearing the wrong size bras, shirts, shoes, pants, and hats. “Once we took accurate body…

LOS ANGELES—Following the confirmation of the Ryan Coogler–produced, LeBron James–starring sequel to the popular 1996 film, actor Kevin Hart reportedly announced Thursday that he was just going to assume he’s in Space Jam 2 unless he hears otherwise. “If they’re making the Space Jam sequel I think they’ll be making,…

ALBANY, NY—Shaken to his core by the realization that he had independently shared every significant detail of his fellow classmate’s vacation, fourth-grader Bryan Gardener was sent into a profound panic Thursday as it dawned on him that student Jimmy Perez, who gave his presentation immediately before Gardener,…

NEW YORK—Reflecting on the eventual conclusion of his storied, decades-spanning career, Al Roker told reporters Thursday that he has strongly considered retiring from creating the weather. “I’ve had a good run, but I’m starting to get to an age where I’d like to just relax and spend some time with my family instead of…