FOXBORO, MA—Admitting the demands of the NFL season have worn down his temporary corporeal body, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick announced Tuesday that the upcoming season would be the last he will coach in his current mortal form. “Whether we win the Lombardi trophy or not, this will be the last season I coach…

On Saturday night, Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame and delivered his acceptance speech during the enshrinement ceremony in Canton, OH. Below are the words and phrases used by Lewis, weighted by the frequency in which they appeared.

NEW YORK—Sending a message that they would no longer stand for dismissive treatment and inflated payrolls, owners from all four major U.S. professional sports leagues voted Wednesday to unionize. “We the owners have been exploited for too long, and with unionization, we can secure the basic rights we’ve never had as…

DALLAS—Revealing that the Cowboys owner was looking for stability at an essential position, team sources confirmed Thursday that Jerry Jones is planning to use the 2018 NFL Draft to find a long-term solution at mistress. “This isn’t about a short-term fix. There is going to be a lot of talent at the draft, but I need…

CHICAGO—Admitting that he was torn over which one would be the best fit for the roster, Chicago Bears general manager Ryan Pace told reporters Thursday that he was wavering between drafting a good player or a bad player. “It’s a real toss-up because on one hand, you have a guy with tremendous instincts and…

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Assuring fans and reporters that his football career was far from over, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady revealed Wednesday that humanity would perish long before he retires. “You can’t take anything for granted in the NFL, but I’m taking care of my body, and I plan to keep playing football…

NEW YORK—Claiming the video game company’s unauthorized, decades-long use of their brand and intellectual property has resulted in financial losses running into the hundreds of millions, the National Football League sued Electronic Arts Tuesday to stop the production, sale, and distribution of its unlicensed “Madden…

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Assuring that the team knew exactly what it would take to win, fired-up Patriots players told reporters Sunday they were ready to give a full 60, maybe 70 percent against Jacksonville. “We are pumped for this showdown, and the Jags are going to see two-thirds, maybe three-fourths of our best—if the game…

NEW YORK—In an effort to minimize the risk of traumatic brain injury, a new NFL safety rule going into effect Friday will require all players to be careful. “As part of the NFL’s ongoing effort to ensure players are as safe as possible, they will now all be obligated to watch it out there,” said NFL commissioner Roger…

NEW YORK—In a stunning development after the league’s decision to grant a 5-year extension to the commissioner, the NFL revoked Roger Goodell’s new contract Thursday after he failed his physical. “Unfortunately, the $200 million deal we were prepared to offer Roger was conditional upon his ability to complete our…

CLEVELAND—Cleveland Browns owner Jimmy Haslam urged unhappy fans Tuesday to continue to support the team through at least the end of the season. “I know this has been unenjoyable, but back in the summer you guys made a commitment,” said Haslam, adding that if Browns fans really wanted to give up after the season was…

With audience numbers continuing to decline in the 2017 season, Onion Sports examines how the NFL can improve television ratings.