NFL Urges Pass Rushers To Try Reaching Peaceful Resolution With Quarterbacks Before Resorting To Tackling
NEW YORK—In an effort to find a more constructive way to cost the other team yardage, the NFL asked pass rushers on Wednesday to seek amicable resolutions with opposing quarterbacks before resorting to a tackle. “Instead of immediately stooping to a violent hit, defensive ends and linebackers should take an empathetic…
Troy Aikman Warns Fans About Comparing Concussions Between Eras
LOS ANGELES—Noting that new rules and increased athleticism have transformed the NFL, former quarterback Troy Aikman warned fans Wednesday about comparing today’s concussions to the brain injuries from earlier NFL eras. “It’s just an entirely different game now. Sure, there are guys doing incredible harm to their…
New NFL Safety Rule Encourages Players To Take Out More Aggression Off The Field
NEW YORK—Explaining that the regulation would help provide a safer game environment, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell held a press conference Tuesday to announce a new rule that encourages professional football players to take out their aggression off the field. “Player safety is our chief priority, so rather than…
Sean McDermott Wonders If He Still Needs To Act Angry Even If Everyone Already Knows Bills Going To Lose
BUFFALO, NY—Watching his team fail miserably while attempting to convert yet another third down and long, Buffalo Bills head coach Sean McDermott wondered Sunday if he still needed to act angry even though everyone already knew the Bills were going to lose. “I mean, everybody saw this coming, should I even bother…
Emotional Le’Veon Bell Reveals Holdout A Result Of Forgetting How To Run
PITTSBURGH—Breaking down while discussing the horrible condition behind his absence, an emotional Le’Veon Bell revealed to reporters Tuesday that his ongoing holdout was a result of forgetting how to run. “People are attacking me, saying this is about greed or ego, but the truth is I’ve completely blanked on how to…
Russell Wilson Asks Seahawks To Modify Play Where He’s Immediately Tackled By Six Players
SEATTLE—Expressing some reservations about allowing the defense instant, unfettered access to the backfield, Russell Wilson asked the Seahawks Tuesday to modify a read-pass-option play where he’s immediately tackled by six players after receiving the snap. “I’m happy to run whatever the coaching staff draws up, but I…
Fan Going To See How First Few Games Go Before Declaring Moral Objection To Watching NFL
LAKE WORTH, FL—Preparing to denounce football as a dangerous sport that takes advantage of athletes as soon as he could determine his favorite team had no hope of making the playoffs, local Dolphins fan Brad Abbott announced Sunday that he was going to check out the first couple games of the season before declaring a…
2018 NFL Season Storylines To Watch
The 2018 NFL season kicked off on Thursday, as the Philadelphia Eagles sought to give their fans an opportunity to destroy their own city in celebration for the second year in a row. The Onion takes a look at the biggest storylines going into the 2018 NFL season.
Aging Tom Brady Decides To Conserve Energy By No Longer Returning Kicks
FOXBORO, MA—Phasing out one of the most famous and explosive parts of his game, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady told reporters Thursday that he plans to protect his body this season by no longer returning kicks. “I’m not in my 20s anymore, when I could return four or five kicks a game. I just don’t have the stamina to…
Advertisement
