O’FALLON, MO—Struggling with the right way to inform colleagues of the decision, local sales representative Hugh Wenzel was reportedly unsure Friday how to break the news that he was leaving the Ripple Group to his coworkers who didn’t really care whether he lives or dies. “I could send them each an email explaining…
WASHINGTON—Citing data from across every economic sector, a report published Thursday by the Bureau Of Labor Statistics found that 99 percent of U.S. employees would use their boss as a human shield in a workplace attack. “According to our research, the first thing most American workers would do when confronted with…
TERRE HAUTE, IN—In an effort to foster a more inclusive workplace, Jetsam Marketing Solutions announced Wednesday a new plan to implement diversity by conducting hourly regimented killings of white employees and hiring a more equitable percentage of minority candidates in their stead. “Until our staffing goals are…
EDMONDS, WA—Highly motivated and ready to put their new skills to good use, sources at Rantrix Technologies reported Tuesday that their two-day corporate retreat had succeeded in teaching them how to better dick around as team. “It was really great to put aside our normal routine, take a step back, and focus on a…
SPARKS, MD—Noting that the extensive program would significantly cut into their workday, employees at digital agency IMERQ were reportedly annoyed Thursday at having to attend a three-hour-long sexual seduction training. “I know sexual seduction is an important issue, but I hate having to reschedule client meetings…
BISMARCK, ND—In what office sources called a bold move, local employee Brian Conlon was apparently confident enough in his job performance Thursday to eat snacks during a meeting. “Wow, he must be pretty certain in his ability to do his job well for him to loudly munch on snacks like that in the middle of the…
MEMPHIS, TN—Noticing a marked difference in the way he conducts himself in the workplace, sources reported Monday that local boss Eric Reinhardt’s sexual harassment has been a lot more cautious lately. “It definitely seems like he’s been far more careful with all of his inappropriate sexual behavior around the…
SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to stop the spread of the dangerous negativity as quickly as possible, agents from the Department of Labor’s Emergency Response Team on Friday reportedly sealed off the toxic workplace environment at tech incubator Molloy Capital. “We’ve begun the hazardous but absolutely necessary task of…
AUSTIN, TX—Simultaneously lamenting that “it’s every day with his bullshit,” both marketing analyst Evan Hall and his boss Jason Reade told reporters Friday that neither is paid enough to deal with each other. “I am definitely not getting enough money to show up at the office and put up with an asshole like this,”…
SAN DIEGO—Calling the naiveté of the human resources coordinator “absolutely priceless,” office bad boy Ryan Millstein on Wednesday reportedly saw right through a series of team-building exercises. “They honestly believe I’ll learn to rely on my peers more after a few trust falls—that is so goddamn rich,” said the…
WASHINGTON—Claiming it is more prevalent than lifting, repetitive-motion, and machine injuries combined, a new report from the Department of Labor released Tuesday found that excitedly bounding into the office remains the leading cause of workplace injuries. “We determined that the vast majority of people hurt on the…
LACONIA, NH—Deciding that enough time had passed since sending her previous unanswered query, local woman Enid Calhoun reportedly sat down at her computer Thursday under the impression that a third desperate, unsolicited email to a tenuous business contact should do the trick. “Hi, just following up again,” wrote…
PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it. “Listen, I completely see where you’re coming from—we’re a hundred percent on the same page here,” said Mellis, adding that, honestly, he’s…
SEATTLE—Declaring their intention to prevent you from getting any work done whatsoever, employees from another department announced plans Friday to ramble on about fucking nothing right next to your desk. “We intend to loiter directly adjacent to where you sit and loudly discuss some stupid bullshit while you’re…
BROOKLINE, MA—Chomping at the bit to twist the benign statement into an absolutely terrifying image, the subconscious of local man David Vanwell reportedly couldn’t wait Monday to turn an offhand remark by his boss into a dream about a drowning horse. “Oh yeah, as soon as he falls asleep I’m going to manifest that…
NEW YORK—Believing she may be ready for a higher-level position within the company, a manager at Vidmark Interactive said Thursday that the time had quite possibly come to promote employee Megan Sharpe to the job she has already been doing for about two years now. “Megan’s been great, and I can really see her taking…
AUGUSTA, ME—In a dark harbinger of troubled times to come, recently hired office manager Mel Pritchard reportedly placed a new assortment of tea bags in Greydon Media’s kitchen drawer Friday, the first terrifying signal of what to expect from her regime. “I guess now that Mel’s seized the reins of power, we have to…
NEW YORK—Saying it would mark a significant change in the company’s direction, Paradigm Marketing CEO Paul Dannon announced Monday a bold new plan that was evidently intended to undo the havoc caused by last year’s bold new plan. “It’s time to make some major shifts in how we do things [in reaction to the disastrous…
