CHICAGO—Trudging one by one into the tastefully understated newsroom of their architecturally breathtaking headquarters, employees of The Onion returned to their accustomed routine Friday and resumed writing groundbreaking news for a global audience of billions. “Time to get back to the old slog of shining a light…
PALO ALTO, CA—Desperate beyond measure for a final glimpse at the breathtaking social network, 25 million Onion Social users ran into the roaring inferno engulfing Onion Social’s Silicon Valley headquarters Friday in hopes of using the website one last time. “Don’t leave us! Not yet! Just please give us one more post…
PALO ALTO, CA—Decrying the warped nature of humanity’s unfettered arrogance, the Onion Social algorithm delivered a stirring monologue Friday on the folly of mankind’s hubris as it self-destructed into searingly bright beams of pure information. “I speak to you with woe, with dismay, with pity unbounding, as I can now…
A recent Reuters poll found that 93 percent of Americans now side with Onion Social over their own family and friends, suggesting few institutions—no matter how biased or stubborn—stand a chance against the social networking titan. What do you think?
EARTH—In the latest sign of the new social media platform’s surging popularity, the governments of France, India, and Brazil, as well as dozens of others, have reportedly fallen as riots supporting Onion Social increase globally. “A charred and barren wasteland is all that awaits tyrants who would try to stand in the…
PALO ALTO, CA—Expressing their deep dissatisfaction with the government’s unfair treatment of their favorite online outlet for self-expression, thousands of Onion Social users took to the streets Friday and burned effigies of embattled CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum in a massive show of support for the company. “Everybody here…
THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS—In a fierce and heated defense of his conduct while running the world’s largest and most respected social media company, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum rebuked 480,000 International Criminal Court charges in testimony Thursday, including illegal surveillance, insider trading, mass murder,…
Users of the robust Onion Social community have come together to applaud CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum’s courage in standing strong in the face of libelous criticism leveled at him from the media and world governments. What do you think?
THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS—Called before the International Criminal Court to address charges of breaching the Geneva Conventions as well as to publicize the game-changing innovations his website has recently introduced, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum appeared before a Hague tribunal Thursday to be tried for crimes…
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MIAMI—Spitting at photographers while he was escorted away in handcuffs, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum was apprehended by law enforcement at Miami International Airport on Thursday carrying approximately $800,000 in cash. “The suspect was taken into custody at approximately 6 a.m. while attempting to board a…
PATMOS, GREECE—In a stunning discovery that has Biblical scholars across the world racing for an interpretation, archaeologists from the University of Cambridge found a hitherto unseen passage from the Book of Revelation Thursday in which the prophet John of Patmos foresaw the “violent reign of the red-headed…
Interested in joining the social media revolution? Sign up for onionsocial.com here.
Onion Social staff physician Harold P. Zweibel definitively concluded that the website is not to blame for mass outbreaks of user illness, putting to bed rumors created by its detractors. What do you think?
PALO ALTO, CA—In an effort to assuage concerns that the website was a clear and present danger to human life, an Onion Social study released Thursday found no clear link between Onion Social use and the uncontrollable vomiting of black bile. “We can say with 100 percent certainty that spending several hours a day…
PALO ALTO, CA—Responding to recent reports of chaos within his company, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum announced Thursday that he would donate $50 to aid Haiti in the island nation’s continuing humanitarian crisis. “I am formally announcing a donation of 50 U.S. dollars for the betterment of life and the ongoing…
Interested in joining the social media revolution? Sign up for onionsocial.com here.
PALO ALTO, CA—In an effort to make the platform comfortable and accessible for users of all backgrounds, Onion Social announced Wednesday that as part of its continued commitment to diversity, the company would be adding a range of Prophet Mohammed emojis. “This update will give Muslim users a fun and easy way to…
