The Inventory

America's Finest News Source.

Onion Employees Return To Mundane Lives Of Writing Game-Changing News Coverage Read By Billions Across Globe

25 Million Onion Social Users Run Into Glorious Flames Of Headquarters In Hopes Of Using Website One Last Time

Onion Social CEO Vaporized By Wall Of Light While Trying To Stop Algorithm From Self-Destructing

‘Humanity Deserves To Live In Darkness,’ Onion Social Algorithm Cries Out Before Bursting Into Bright Light, Disappearing From Earthly Realm

6/22/18 12:10PM

Self-Destructing Onion Social Algorithm Delivers Stirring Monologue About Folly Of Mankind’s Hubris

6/22/18 11:05AM

American Voices

American Voices

Most Americans Side With Onion Social Over Own Family, Friends

6/22/18 10:25AM

France, India, Brazil Among Dozens Of Governments To Fall As Riots In Support Of Onion Social Increase Globally

6/22/18 10:08AM

Thousands Of Onion Social Users Burn Effigies Of CEO In Massive Show Of Support For Company

Onion Social CEO Rebukes 480,000 Crimes At International Criminal Tribunal Including Illegal Surveillance, Insider Trading, Mass Murder, Indecent Exposure

American Voices

American Voices

Onion Social Users Applaud Bravery Of CEO Persevering Against Falsehood, Libel

Onion Social CEO Appears Before Hague Tribunal To Be Tried For Crimes Against Humanity, Promote New Website Features

Stock Market Plunges Ahead Of Onion Social Hague Trial

Onion Social CEO Caught By Law Enforcement At Miami Airport With $800,000 In Cash

6/21/18 12:48PM

Recently Uncovered Passage From Book Of Revelation Shows That Prophet Foresaw ‘Violent Reign Of Red-Headed Boy-King’

6/21/18 11:28AM

Onion Social CEO Announces Changes To Site’s Privacy Policy

6/21/18 11:06AM

American Voices

American Voices

Onion Social Staff Physician Concludes Website Not To Blame For Mass User Illness

6/21/18 10:45AM

Onion Social Study Finds No Clear Link Between Onion Social Use, Uncontrollable Vomiting Of Black Bile

6/21/18 10:31AM

Onion Social CEO Responds To Company Chaos By Donating $50 To Haiti

Onion Social CEO Embarks On Tour Of Several Coffee Shops Near Where He Lives To Learn More About Everyday Americans

Onion Social Embraces Diversity By Adding Prophet Mohammed Emoji

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