No one.

NASA employee Greg Ogletree, the man seated inside the Mars rover Curiosity, inspired the nation this year when he successfully touched down on the Red Planet and began driving the vehicle across its surface. In addition to Ogletree’s primary task of guiding the rover around Mars using its steering wheel, pedals, and…

Economic indicators improved marginally during the year, with the unemployment rate falling slightly and housing prices finally starting to rebound, but the recovery from the Great Recession remained far from robust. How did 2012’s lackluster economy affect you?

This year saw the Supreme Court upholding the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, Barack Obama winning reelection, and the nation threatening to go over the “fiscal cliff.” What do you think was the biggest political story of 2012?

NEW YORK—In a turn of events sources described as “completely coincidental in every way,” the new intern at the consulting firm Marcus, McMahon, and Grieg, in addition to being the most qualified candidate for the position, also just happens be a gorgeous 22-year-old woman, reports confirmed Tuesday.

WASHINGTON—Sources confirmed this afternoon that a heavily armed Karl Rove has positioned himself atop the Electoral College clock tower and is planning to pick off at least 50 electors with a high-precision sniper rifle.

BOSTON—While delivering his concession speech at the Boston Convention and Exhibition Center Tuesday night, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney uttered the 240,000th and final lie of his 2012 campaign when he offered his “sincere congratulations” to President Barack Obama. “This has been a hard-fought and…

NEW YORK—Following Hurricane Sandy’s destructive tear through the Northeast this week, the nation’s 300 million citizens looked upon the trail of devastation and fully realized, for the first time, that this is just going to be something that happens from now on.

NASHUA, NH—Following yesterday’s announcement that the Walt Disney Co. had acquired movie studio Lucasfilm Ltd. for $4.05 billion, local couple John Campbell and Linda Clarke had the most mind-blowing sex of their lives, the utterly bizarre pair told reporters. “Wow, that was incredible,” an exhausted Clarke said to…

THE HEAVENS—Responding to inflammatory remarks made by Republican Senate candidate Richard Mourdock during a debate Tuesday night, Our Lord God the Almighty Father sought today to distance Himself from both Mourdock and the entire right-wing fundamentalist Christian movement, sources confirmed.

BOCA RATON, FL—Saying that the high-value target represented a major threat to their most vital objectives, Obama administration officials confirmed tonight that former governor Mitt Romney was killed by a predator drone while attending a presidential debate at Lynn University.

BOCA RATON, FL—In a stunning admission during tonight’s foreign policy debate, President Barack Obama broke down in tears and announced that Osama bin Laden was not killed by a U.S. special operations team last year, is in fact still on the loose, and remains a major threat to the safety of all Americans.

During last night’s town hall debate at Hofstra University, my opponent Mr. Obama made a number of false accusations about my political positions, but none more egregious than his claim that my policies are in some way a threat to American women. As he has throughout this long campaign season, the president charged…