The Onion's Other Top Newsmakers Of 2012
NASA employee Greg Ogletree, the man seated inside the Mars rover Curiosity, inspired the nation this year when he…
2012 In The Economy
Economic indicators improved marginally during the year, with the unemployment rate falling slightly and housing prices…
2012 In Politics
This year saw the Supreme Court upholding the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, Barack Obama winning…
Intern Just Happens To Be Beautiful 22-Year-Old Woman
NEW YORK—In a turn of events sources described as “completely coincidental in every way,” the new intern at the…
Heavily Armed Karl Rove Spotted At Top Of Electoral College Clock Tower
WASHINGTON—Sources confirmed this afternoon that a heavily armed Karl Rove has positioned himself atop the Electoral…
'I Want To Congratulate The President,' Romney Says In 240,000th And Final Lie Of Campaign
BOSTON—While delivering his concession speech at the Boston Convention and Exhibition Center Tuesday night, Republican…
Nation Suddenly Realizes This Just Going To Be A Thing That Happens From Now On
NEW YORK—Following Hurricane Sandy’s destructive tear through the Northeast this week, the nation’s 300 million…
Weird Couple Has Greatest Sex Of Their Lives After Announcement Of Disney-LucasFilm Merger
NASHUA, NH—Following yesterday’s announcement that the Walt Disney Co. had acquired movie studio Lucasfilm Ltd. for…
God Distances Self From Christian Right
THE HEAVENS—Responding to inflammatory remarks made by Republican Senate candidate Richard Mourdock during a debate…
Obama Takes Out Romney With Mid-Debate Drone Attack
BOCA RATON, FL—Saying that the high-value target represented a major threat to their most vital objectives, Obama…
Weeping Obama Breaks Down, Admits Bin Laden Still Alive And Out There Somewhere
BOCA RATON, FL—In a stunning admission during tonight’s foreign policy debate, President Barack Obama broke down in…
Would A Man Who Doesn't Support Women Let His Wife Pick Out Any Oven She Wants For Her Birthday?
During last night’s town hall debate at Hofstra University, my opponent Mr. Obama made a number of false accusations…