Ferguson Decision Reaffirms Right Of Police To Use Deadly Force When They Feel Sufficiently Inclined

WASHINGTON—Following a legal precedent established over the course of decades, the St. Louis County grand jury decision Monday to not indict officer Darren Wilson in the shooting death of an unarmed teen reportedly reaffirmed the right of police to use deadly force whenever they feel sufficiently inclined. “The…

Nation Doesn’t Know If It Can Take Another Bullshit Speech About Healing

WASHINGTON—In the wake of a grand jury’s divisive decision not to charge Ferguson, MO police officer Darren Wilson in the shooting death of unarmed black teenager Michael Brown, a weary American populace told reporters Tuesday that they are not sure if they can take another bullshit speech about healing. “If I have to…

Temple University Receives Anonymous Donation To Build Center For Discrediting Rape Allegations

PHILADELPHIA—Stipulating that the funds be used for “furthering the invalidation of sexual assault claims wherever they occur,” an anonymous donation received Thursday by Temple University is reportedly intended to be used to build a center for discrediting rape allegations. “The donor, who has chosen to withhold his…

Chinese Citizens Gather In Beijing Square To Watch U.S. National Debt Clock Strike $18 Trillion

BEIJING—Celebrating the milestone with hugs, jubilant cheers, and singing, over 600,000 Chinese citizens assembled in Tiananmen Square today to watch the U.S. debt clock mounted above the Forbidden City reach the landmark sum of $18 trillion dollars. “You could stay home and watch it on TV, but it’s much more exciting…

NFL Opens Counseling Center To Help Bears Fans Cope With Devastating Blowouts

CHICAGO—In an effort to provide much-needed psychotherapy services and professional support to local Chicago communities, the NFL officially unveiled a new counseling center Thursday for Bears fans struggling to cope with devastating blowouts. “With this new facility, which is open 24 hours a day, fans will be able to…