Year In Review

In a year where the news media fell under escalating criticism for fabrication, The Onion’s unparalleled reportage and sterling journalism revealed the core truth of 2017: That every other news organization is, indeed, lying to you. They are lying to you and, moreover, they believe you are the sort of gullible fool…

Prince Harry Engaged To Woman Who Will Never Love Him The Way 29-Year-Old Idahoan Graphic Designer Jennie Hoffman Does

LONDON—Missing out on a life of deep commitment from the only person who truly understands his heart, Prince Harry revealed Monday his engagement to a woman who will never love him the way 29-year-old Idaho resident and graphic designer Jennie Hoffman does. “We are delighted to announce the engagement and upcoming…

Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce

LOUISVILLE, KY—In light of disturbing footage obtained by undercover activists, pizza franchise Papa John’s came under fire Friday for the company’s cruel treatment of the bulbous, deformed creatures that lactate its pizza sauce. “These poor monstrosities are being kept in cramped, dark pens with little light or fresh…

‘Let’s All Say What We’re Grateful For,’ Says Mother Who Apparently Believes She’s In A Norman Fucking Rockwell Painting

LANSING, MI—Deluded into thinking the gathering was the goddamn picture of idyllic American life, local mother Donna Lerner, who apparently believes she’s in a Norman fucking Rockwell painting, reportedly suggested Thursday that everyone say what they are grateful for. “Now, let’s all go around the table and say at…

Jared And Ivanka Holding Each Other At Gunpoint In Kitchen After Simultaneously Revealing Undercover Identities

WASHINGTON—Both shouting “FBI, you’re under arrest!” as they grabbed hidden pistols from behind the refrigerator and the back of the pantry, Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump were reportedly holding each other at gunpoint in their kitchen Monday after simultaneously revealing their undercover identities. “I’m afraid

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