Top Quotes Of 2017
Year In Review
In a year where the news media fell under escalating criticism for fabrication, The Onion’s unparalleled reportage and sterling journalism revealed the core truth of 2017: That every other news organization is, indeed, lying to you. They are lying to you and, moreover, they believe you are the sort of gullible fool…
Breitbart Criticized For Publishing Humanizing Profile Of Libtard Beta-Cuck
LOS ANGELES—Blasting the publication for its gentle treatment of the divisive figure, far-right news outlet Breitbart was criticized Thursday for publishing a humanizing profile of a libtard beta-cuck. “It’s absolutely absurd that Breitbart of all places would think it was okay to portray this low-T liberal shill as a…
Alex DeLarge Forced To Step Down As Leader Of Droogs Amidst Allegations Of Sexual Misconduct
LONDON—Pushed out of power as the damning charges mounted, Alex DeLarge was forced to step down Wednesday as leader of the Droogs amidst allegations of sexual misconduct. “In an unfortunate development, we have been forced to remove Mr. DeLarge from his post due to the startling accusations of sexual impropriety that…
Prince Harry Engaged To Woman Who Will Never Love Him The Way 29-Year-Old Idahoan Graphic Designer Jennie Hoffman Does
LONDON—Missing out on a life of deep commitment from the only person who truly understands his heart, Prince Harry revealed Monday his engagement to a woman who will never love him the way 29-year-old Idaho resident and graphic designer Jennie Hoffman does. “We are delighted to announce the engagement and upcoming…
Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce
LOUISVILLE, KY—In light of disturbing footage obtained by undercover activists, pizza franchise Papa John’s came under fire Friday for the company’s cruel treatment of the bulbous, deformed creatures that lactate its pizza sauce. “These poor monstrosities are being kept in cramped, dark pens with little light or fresh…
‘Let’s All Say What We’re Grateful For,’ Says Mother Who Apparently Believes She’s In A Norman Fucking Rockwell Painting
LANSING, MI—Deluded into thinking the gathering was the goddamn picture of idyllic American life, local mother Donna Lerner, who apparently believes she’s in a Norman fucking Rockwell painting, reportedly suggested Thursday that everyone say what they are grateful for. “Now, let’s all go around the table and say at…
Confident Philadelphia Officials Preemptively Raze Center City To Make Room For Amazon Headquarters
PHILADELPHIA—Convinced they will win the highly competitive contest to host the e-commerce giant’s new offices, optimistic local officials have preemptively razed Philadelphia’s entire Center City district to make room for Amazon’s second North American headquarters, sources said Thursday.
Jared And Ivanka Holding Each Other At Gunpoint In Kitchen After Simultaneously Revealing Undercover Identities
WASHINGTON—Both shouting “FBI, you’re under arrest!” as they grabbed hidden pistols from behind the refrigerator and the back of the pantry, Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump were reportedly holding each other at gunpoint in their kitchen Monday after simultaneously revealing their undercover identities. “I’m afraid …
Study: 90% Of Bike Accidents Preventable By Buying Car Like A Normal Person
WASHINGTON—Saying it was a simple but effective measure to reduce potentially deadly incidents, a study published Monday by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration found that 90 percent of bike accidents could be prevented by buying a car like a normal person. “Our data confirm that the vast majority of…
Entirety Of Hollywood Film Industry Replaced With 40,000 Christopher Plummers
LOS ANGELES—In the wake of numerous sexual misconduct allegations against prominent figures in Hollywood, the entire film industry will reportedly be replaced by 40,000 Christopher Plummers, sources said Friday. “Going forward, veteran actor Christopher Plummer will write, direct, and star in every movie we make and…
Pet Researchers Confirm 100% Of Owners Who Leave For Work Never Coming Back
WASHINGTON—Announcing their findings amongst a series of whimpers and yelps, pet researchers confirmed Friday that 100 percent of owners who leave for work are never coming back. “Our data show conclusively that every human who says they’re going to work is, in fact, gone forever the very moment they shut the door…
Popular New Amazon Service Just Comes To Your House And Kills You
SEATTLE—Reporting that millions of customers had already signed up for the feature in the few hours since its launch, Amazon announced a new service Friday that comes to your house and kills you. “Amazon has always offered unparalleled customer service and convenience, and Amazon Slay is part of that philosophy,” said…
