Dec 26 2017Slideshow12/26/17Slideshow12/26/17All The ‘Tootsie’ Memorabilia We Were Close To Scoring On Ebay In 2017
Dec 26 201712/26/17Year In ReviewIn a year where the news media fell under escalating criticism for fabrication, The Onion’s unparalleled reportage…
Nov 30 2017News in Brief11/30/17News in Brief11/30/17Breitbart Criticized For Publishing Humanizing Profile Of Libtard Beta-CuckLOS ANGELES—Blasting the publication for its gentle treatment of the divisive figure, far-right news outlet…
Nov 29 2017News in Brief11/29/17News in Brief11/29/17Alex DeLarge Forced To Step Down As Leader Of Droogs Amidst Allegations Of Sexual MisconductLONDON—Pushed out of power as the damning charges mounted, Alex DeLarge was forced to step down Wednesday as leader…
Nov 27 2017News in Brief11/27/17News in Brief11/27/17Prince Harry Engaged To Woman Who Will Never Love Him The Way 29-Year-Old Idahoan Graphic Designer Jennie Hoffman DoesLONDON—Missing out on a life of deep commitment from the only person who truly understands his heart, Prince Harry…
Nov 24 2017News in Brief11/24/17News in Brief11/24/17Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza SauceLOUISVILLE, KY—In light of disturbing footage obtained by undercover activists, pizza franchise Papa John’s came…
Nov 16 2017News11/16/17News11/16/17Confident Philadelphia Officials Preemptively Raze Center City To Make Room For Amazon HeadquartersPHILADELPHIA—Convinced they will win the highly competitive contest to host the e-commerce giant’s new offices,…
Nov 14 2017News in Brief11/14/17News in Brief11/14/17Jared And Ivanka Holding Each Other At Gunpoint In Kitchen After Simultaneously Revealing Undercover IdentitiesWASHINGTON—Both shouting “FBI, you’re under arrest!” as they grabbed hidden pistols from behind the refrigerator and…
Nov 13 2017News in Brief11/13/17News in Brief11/13/17Study: 90% Of Bike Accidents Preventable By Buying Car Like A Normal PersonWASHINGTON—Saying it was a simple but effective measure to reduce potentially deadly incidents, a study published…
Nov 9 2017News in Brief11/9/17News in Brief11/9/17Entirety Of Hollywood Film Industry Replaced With 40,000 Christopher PlummersLOS ANGELES—In the wake of numerous sexual misconduct allegations against prominent figures in Hollywood, the entire…
Nov 3 2017News in Brief11/3/17News in Brief11/3/17Pet Researchers Confirm 100% Of Owners Who Leave For Work Never Coming BackWASHINGTON—Announcing their findings amongst a series of whimpers and yelps, pet researchers confirmed Friday that…
Nov 2 2017Photo Finish11/2/17Photo Finish11/2/17Aaron Rodgers Balloons To 450 Pounds After Single Inactive Week In Wisconsin
Oct 27 2017News in Brief10/27/17News in Brief10/27/17Popular New Amazon Service Just Comes To Your House And Kills YouSEATTLE—Reporting that millions of customers had already signed up for the feature in the few hours since its…