Top Quotes Of 2017
Year In Review
In a year where the news media fell under escalating criticism for fabrication, The Onionâs unparalleled reportage and sterling journalism revealed the core truth of 2017: That every other news organization is, indeed, lying to you. They are lying to you and, moreover, they believe you are the sort of gullible foolâŚ
Breitbart Criticized For Publishing Humanizing Profile Of Libtard Beta-Cuck
LOS ANGELESâBlasting the publication for its gentle treatment of the divisive figure, far-right news outlet Breitbart was criticized Thursday for publishing a humanizing profile of a libtard beta-cuck. âItâs absolutely absurd that Breitbart of all places would think it was okay to portray this low-T liberal shill as aâŚ
Alex DeLarge Forced To Step Down As Leader Of Droogs Amidst Allegations Of Sexual Misconduct
LONDONâPushed out of power as the damning charges mounted, Alex DeLarge was forced to step down Wednesday as leader of the Droogs amidst allegations of sexual misconduct. âIn an unfortunate development, we have been forced to remove Mr. DeLarge from his post due to the startling accusations of sexual impropriety thatâŚ
Prince Harry Engaged To Woman Who Will Never Love Him The Way 29-Year-Old Idahoan Graphic Designer Jennie Hoffman Does
LONDONâMissing out on a life of deep commitment from the only person who truly understands his heart, Prince Harry revealed Monday his engagement to a woman who will never love him the way 29-year-old Idaho resident and graphic designer Jennie Hoffman does. âWe are delighted to announce the engagement and upcomingâŚ
Papa Johnâs Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce
LOUISVILLE, KYâIn light of disturbing footage obtained by undercover activists, pizza franchise Papa Johnâs came under fire Friday for the companyâs cruel treatment of the bulbous, deformed creatures that lactate its pizza sauce. âThese poor monstrosities are being kept in cramped, dark pens with little light or freshâŚ
âLetâs All Say What Weâre Grateful For,â Says Mother Who Apparently Believes Sheâs In A Norman Fucking Rockwell Painting
LANSING, MIâDeluded into thinking the gathering was the goddamn picture of idyllic American life, local mother Donna Lerner, who apparently believes sheâs in a Norman fucking Rockwell painting, reportedly suggested Thursday that everyone say what they are grateful for. âNow, letâs all go around the table and say atâŚ
Confident Philadelphia Officials Preemptively Raze Center City To Make Room For Amazon Headquarters
PHILADELPHIAâConvinced they will win the highly competitive contest to host the e-commerce giantâs new offices, optimistic local officials have preemptively razed Philadelphiaâs entire Center City district to make room for Amazonâs second North American headquarters, sources said Thursday.
Jared And Ivanka Holding Each Other At Gunpoint In Kitchen After Simultaneously Revealing Undercover Identities
WASHINGTONâBoth shouting âFBI, youâre under arrest!â as they grabbed hidden pistols from behind the refrigerator and the back of the pantry, Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump were reportedly holding each other at gunpoint in their kitchen Monday after simultaneously revealing their undercover identities. âIâm afraid âŚ
Study: 90% Of Bike Accidents Preventable By Buying Car Like A Normal Person
WASHINGTONâSaying it was a simple but effective measure to reduce potentially deadly incidents, a study published Monday by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration found that 90 percent of bike accidents could be prevented by buying a car like a normal person. âOur data confirm that the vast majority ofâŚ
Entirety Of Hollywood Film Industry Replaced With 40,000 Christopher Plummers
LOS ANGELESâIn the wake of numerous sexual misconduct allegations against prominent figures in Hollywood, the entire film industry will reportedly be replaced by 40,000 Christopher Plummers, sources said Friday. âGoing forward, veteran actor Christopher Plummer will write, direct, and star in every movie we make andâŚ
Pet Researchers Confirm 100% Of Owners Who Leave For Work Never Coming Back
WASHINGTONâAnnouncing their findings amongst a series of whimpers and yelps, pet researchers confirmed Friday that 100 percent of owners who leave for work are never coming back. âOur data show conclusively that every human who says theyâre going to work is, in fact, gone forever the very moment they shut the doorâŚ
Popular New Amazon Service Just Comes To Your House And Kills You
SEATTLEâReporting that millions of customers had already signed up for the feature in the few hours since its launch, Amazon announced a new service Friday that comes to your house and kills you. âAmazon has always offered unparalleled customer service and convenience, and Amazon Slay is part of that philosophy,â saidâŚ
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