FREMONT, NE—Noting the constant stream of questions and blatant suggestions directed solely at his sibling, area man Josh Koppel, 32, reported Friday that his mother was much more insistent about getting grandkids from his brother than from him. “Whenever the family’s together, Mom’s always asking Matt when he and his…

‘I Can Mail It To You If You’re Still Using It,’ Says Mom

WILMINGTON, NC—Aggressively exploiting the short windows of time she spent with the high school junior, local mom Ally Brullard has been really gunning to befriend her babysitter during their weekly three-minute interactions, family sources reported this past Saturday. “Did you end up getting that dress you were…

AUSTIN, TX—Anxiously wondering what kind of impression he was leaving on university admissions officials, wealthy father Gordon Fring was said to be waiting restlessly for responses this week after mailing donations to his son’s top college choices. “I sent in contributions to eight different schools all over the…

MISSOULA, MT—Describing how he suddenly found himself overwhelmed by a flood of intense emotions, local man Mike Bentzen told reporters Monday the reality of fatherhood didn’t truly set in for him until the moment he held his newborn son’s hospital bill. “Wow, this is going to totally change my life,” said Bentzen as…

AUSTIN, TX—Saying they’ve been keeping a close eye on their 4-year-old’s skill at memory games, the breadth of his vocabulary, and his overall behavior, local parents Greg and Lisa Weiss told reporters Thursday they’re trying to gauge if their son is a complete idiot before deciding whether to move to a better school…

Having a child is one of the most profound and illuminating experiences a person can have. No matter how much you think you know about life, that first time looking into the eyes of your newborn completely changes your outlook. You see absolutely everything in a whole new light. It seems obvious to me now, but until I…

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the need for parents and law enforcement officers to take immediate action, officials at the Federal Bureau of Investigation issued a statement Friday confirming that the first 48 hours are the most crucial in locating children who had vanished through a portal to a fantastical world.

LONG BEACH, CA—At approximately 7:05 a.m. Monday, sources at St. Mary Medical Center confirmed that local woman Deliah Zahn gave birth to a healthy black mark on the record of Bayer—manufacturer of the birth control pill Yaz—weighing in at 7 pounds, 6 ounces. “I’m pleased to report the labor and delivery went…

NEW YORK—Saying the popular new practice appears to be growing in popularity particularly in coastal states and within more affluent suburbs, several family experts confirmed Friday that the latest parenting trend involves just handing children a bulleted list of things they need to accomplish by the age of 30. “An…

In an uncertain economy, it’s important to provide young people with the tools they’ll need to make prudent financial decisions. Here are The Onion’s tips for talking to your children about money management:

BOSTON—According to a report released Friday by Harvard Business School, more U.S. companies are offering up to 12 weeks of paid maternity leave to mothers who complete three months of work ahead of time. “We strive to be accommodating to our employees as they start families, which is why we’re granting paid time off…

THE HEAVENS—Saying He was a very rigid and domineering Father in the years immediately following the Creation of Man, the Lord God Almighty admitted Monday He has been far less strict with His last few billion children. “I was kind of a stickler back then, to be honest, and I could be pretty harsh when I punished my…

WASHINGTON—According to a report published this week by sociologists at American University, the vast majority of parents across the country are willing to entrust their children to anyone wearing a plush character costume. “Our data show that roughly 95 percent of all U.S. parents are perfectly fine allowing their…

Here are The Onion’s tips for discussing the difficult topic of racism with your child.

HOPEWELL, NJ—Trying unsuccessfully to ignore the child as he grasped his genitals between his thumb and index finger, wincing sources reported Wednesday that local boy Jacob Faldonna, 2, was really yanking on his penis hard. “Oh boy,” the incredibly uncomfortable sources reportedly thought to themselves as they tried…

Video games are often cited as a cause of violence or detachment in children. Here are the cases for and against allowing children to play video games:

WASHINGTON―According to a Pew Research Center report published Tuesday, the number-one worry among mothers and fathers in all parts of the country is their child dying from something they could be blamed for as parents. “When surveyed, the majority of American parents said their single greatest fear was the death of…

Here are The Onion’s tips for discussing the often difficult topic of divorce with your child.