GLASGOW, KY—Declaring that enough time has passed for everyone to get on with their lives, father of two Albert Wrinn told reporters Thursday that he was ready to forgive crossover-country trio the Dixie Chicks for remarks critical of former President George W. Bush that were made on the eve of the Iraq invasion.…
LAWRENCE, KS—In a report revealing new insights into early developmental psychology, researchers from the University of Kansas concluded Tuesday that parents spend much of the first four years of their child’s life fluctuating wildly between hoping their child stays asleep and hoping their child wakes up. “The vast…
MONTREAL, CANADA—In response to an outpouring of feedback from concerned families, pornographic website PornHub announced new parental controls Thursday to help users manage which hardcore, amateur, and fetish content their children see. “We understand that not all families share the same ideas about which filthy smut…
FREMONT, CA—Stressing that they should only say it once they feel comfortable, local stepmom Allison Pratt told reporters Tuesday that she doesn’t expect her stepchildren to call her a stupid bitch right away. “They were already teenagers when I came into their lives, so I understand if it takes a while before they…
LAS CRUCES, NM—Snarling as she charged forward, crazed, froth-mouthed local mother Donna Gibson demanded grandchildren right now, sources reported Thursday. “I want precious grandbabies now! Now! Now! Now!” shrieked a wild-eyed Gibson into the face of her son and daughter-in-law as she lifted them up by their collars…
AKRON, OH—Refusing to put up with it for another second, the nation’s parents announced Tuesday that they have zero fucking patience for this bullshit. “We stand here today because we are about this fucking close to losing it and can’t deal with this shit right now,” said 47-year-old Lisa Burgess on behalf of the…
ALLENTOWN, PA—Recognizing that their child is old enough now to have such an important conversation, local parents Nick and Karen Yates reportedly sat down with their 10-year-old son Nathaniel on Monday to have the Sex, Lies, and Videotape talk. “Seeing Sex, Lies, and Videotape is perfectly natural, but we wanted to…
PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed. “I’m sending you something,” read a text message from your mom, which went on to request that you let her know whenever…
ARLINGTON, MA—Fondly watching him as he joined a group of other men his age huddled around a classic car, members of the Altman family were reportedly excited Wednesday to see their dad making friends in their new neighborhood. “He was kind of hanging back at first, so he needed a little nudging, but now it seems like…
KANSAS CITY, MO—Touting it as the perfect way to celebrate Dad as quickly and efficiently as possible, Hallmark debuted a 1-square-inch Father’s Day card Friday that has no room for writing anything. “This new Father’s Day card is the ideal size for tersely addressing how much your dad means to you without having to…
The Onion presents a selection of gifts perfect for every dad just in time for Father’s Day.
MADISON, WI—Saying he’d been meaning to set aside this kind of time for a while now, local father Gary Plumber told reporters Tuesday that he had freed up the entire day to spend on some quality father-grill bonding. “No mowing the lawn or oil changes today—I’ve cleared my whole schedule so you and I can really spend…
WILLOUGHBY, OH—Allowing no window whatsoever for additional conversation to take place, the father of local man Luke Asbury reportedly handed off the phone to Luke’s mother on Sunday immediately after his son wished him a happy Father’s Day. “Wow, he didn’t waste any time—he just said thanks, told me Mom was there if…
INDIANAPOLIS—Upon discovering what appeared to be an ideal parking spot Friday, members of the Jowhari family reportedly dispatched their mother, Anita, on a fact-finding mission to investigate the details of a nearby street sign. “I can’t see from here—find out when they tow and if there’s a thing with street…
MONTAUK, NY—Badly shaken by what he had just witnessed, local boy Peter Danielson, 12, expressed shock Monday after a brief glimpse of his father’s toenails offered a terrifying vision of his future. “Is that…is that what’s going to happen to me?” the shuddering child said after seeing the cracked, milky-yellowish…
GLENCOE, IL—Howling in the parking lot hours before the scheduled 8 a.m. opening time, a mob of rowdy mothers bum-rushed the Chicago Botanic Garden, shaken witnesses reported Sunday. “It was still dark when they showed up, hundreds of them—they were just throwing their bodies against the gate like animals,” said…
With Mother’s Day just around the corner, The Onion has put together a selection of gifts that any mom would love.
MISSOULA, MT—Bringing up the name out of the blue for the first time ever, local father John Novak revealed Monday that a previously unheard-of friend of his had died. “I just found out Doug passed away, so I’m gonna be out of town later this week and probably be back on Saturday,” said Novak to his daughter Alisha,…
DENVER—Breathing heavily and leaning against the wall for support as beads of sweat formed on her forehead, local mother Cynthia Applin struggled to lower her heart rate Monday as she came down from the high of having all three of her adult children under the same roof, sources reported. “Oh, my God, the three of them…
