Dad Heartbreakingly Thinks His Connections Can Help Son Find Job
CLEVELAND—In a devastatingly sad overestimation of his influence in the professional world, local father Bruce Tenety,…
Parents’ Visit Injects $66 Into Local Apartment Economy
ALBUQUERQUE, NM—In what economists are calling a “significant infusion of cash” for the three-bedroom duplex, area…
Report: There No Way Of Knowing Whether The Vague Award Mom Won At Work A Big Deal Or What
ROXBOROUGH, PA—Wondering what kind of honor a company bestows upon a part-time clerical employee, the family of local…
Mom Wants To Know If You Could Use Grandma’s Antique, 12-Person Dining Room Table In Your Studio Apartment
CHICAGO—Stressing that the furniture would be perfect for hosting guests, your mom wanted to know Tuesday whether you…
Mom Hates Bad Guy In Movie
PHILADELPHIA—Throughout the runtime of the two-hour movie, local mother of three Barbara Rosenstock, 62, took several…
Mom Still Raving About Butternut Squash Ravioli She Tried 13 Years Ago
PORTSMOUTH, NH—Calling the dish one of the tastiest she’s had in some time, 61-year-old mom Karyn Stockton continued to…
Mom Announces Plans To Get Out Some Of Your Old Baby Stuff And Quietly Stare At It
PHOENIX—Murmuring to herself about how breathtakingly small you once were, your mother formally announced Tuesday her…
Dad Ready To Forgive Dixie Chicks
GLASGOW, KY—Declaring that enough time has passed for everyone to get on with their lives, father of two Albert Wrinn…
Parents Spend First 4 Years Of Child’s Life Fluctuating Wildly Between Hoping Child Stays Asleep, Hoping Child Wakes Up
LAWRENCE, KS—In a report revealing new insights into early developmental psychology, researchers from the University of…
PornHub Expands Parental Controls For User Accounts
MONTREAL, CANADA—In response to an outpouring of feedback from concerned families, pornographic website PornHub…
Stepmom Doesn’t Expect Kids To Call Her Stupid Bitch Right Away
FREMONT, CA—Stressing that they should only say it once they feel comfortable, local stepmom Allison Pratt told…
Crazed, Froth-Mouthed Mother Demands Grandchildren Now
LAS CRUCES, NM—Snarling as she charged forward, crazed, froth-mouthed local mother Donna Gibson demanded grandchildren…
Nation’s Parents Announce They Have Zero Fucking Patience For This Bullshit
AKRON, OH—Refusing to put up with it for another second, the nation’s parents announced Tuesday that they have zero…
Parents Sit Down With Child For ‘Sex, Lies, And Videotape’ Talk
ALLENTOWN, PA—Recognizing that their child is old enough now to have such an important conversation, local parents Nick…
Report: Mom Sending You Something
PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your…
Family Excited To See Dad Making Friends In New Neighborhood
ARLINGTON, MA—Fondly watching him as he joined a group of other men his age huddled around a classic car, members of…
Hallmark Debuts 1-Square-Inch Father’s Day Card With No Room For Writing Anything
KANSAS CITY, MO—Touting it as the perfect way to celebrate Dad as quickly and efficiently as possible, Hallmark debuted…
The Onion’s Father’s Day Gift Guide
The Onion presents a selection of gifts perfect for every dad just in time for Father’s Day.