Feb 2Sports News In Brief2/2/20Sports News In Brief2/2/20Bored 49ers Fan Already Watched J. Lo Perform At Start-Up’s Holiday PartySAN FRANCISCO—Expressing disinterest in seeing a “watered-down” version of her previous concert, 49ers fan Ilan…
Feb 2Sports News In Brief2/2/20Sports News In Brief2/2/20‘I’m Just Here For The Commercials,’ Jokes Man At Super Bowl Party Too Embarrassed To Admit He Desperate For Any Human CompanyMECHANICSBURG, PA—Grabbing a beer and telling other party-goers that football is not really his thing, local man…
Dec 20 2019News In Photos12/20/19News In Photos12/20/19Worker’s Sole Impact On Company Permanent Ban On Alcohol At Holiday Party
Dec 13 2019News in Brief12/13/19News in Brief12/13/19Hungover Coworker A Little Too Functional Morning After Holiday Party Not To Be AlcoholicKANSAS CITY, MO—Prancing into the office like he didn’t just drink eight beers and something called the “Santa’s…
Sep 4 2019News in Brief9/4/19News in Brief9/4/19Report: Best Indicator Of Kickass Party Still Pizza Spinning On TurntablePHOENIX—Based on a $3-million multi-decade study, a report released Wednesday by sociologists at Arizona State…
Aug 9 2019News in Brief8/9/19News in Brief8/9/19Back Bedroom Declared Off-Limits To Party Guests Like Forbidden Wing Of Decrepit Gothic ManorTORRINGTON, CT—Warning that there was nothing for him back there, local man Chris Redding reportedly declared a…
Apr 25 2019News In Photos4/25/19News In Photos4/25/19Weird Birthday Boy Blowing Out Candles Wishes For John Hickenlooper To Win Democratic Primary
Mar 1 2019News in Brief3/1/19News in Brief3/1/19Party Guest Figures Bedroom Dresser Probably Where Host Wants Everyone To Leave Empty CansNEW YORK—After briefly considering surfaces such as the nightstand, the bookshelf, the toilet tank, and the top of…
Feb 26 2019News in Brief2/26/19News in Brief2/26/19Man Worried He Stuck In Endless Cycle Of Drinking, Partying, And Having Good TimePORTLAND, OR—Speculating that he probably should not want to maintain his current lifestyle forever, local man Greg…
Feb 3 2019News In Photos2/3/19News In Photos2/3/19‘Now That’s What I Call A Fumble,’ Reports Man At Super Bowl Party Who Has No Idea What He’s Talking About
Dec 21 2018News in Brief12/21/18News in Brief12/21/18Man Watches Helplessly As White Elephant Exchange Completely Devolves Into Friends Just Chatting And Having Nice TimeCHICAGO—Staring wide-eyed at the table full of unopened presents being largely ignored by guests, local man Rick…
Dec 20 2018VideoOnion Info Clips12/20/18 VideoOnion Info Clips12/20/18Tips For Surviving Your Office Holiday Party
Dec 4 2018News in Brief12/4/18News in Brief12/4/18Guest Roster Assembled For Surprise Birthday Reveals Minimal Understanding Of Girlfriend’s Social CircleST. PAUL, MN—Describing the majority of attendees as “acquaintances at best,” birthday celebrant Megan Randall…
Oct 31 2018News in Brief10/31/18News in Brief10/31/18Woman Sick Of Being Stuck In Back Half Of Velma Costume Entire Halloween PartyLAKEWOOD, OH—Cramped and frustrated at being unable to interact with any of the other guests, Halloween party…
Oct 31 2018News in Brief10/31/18News in Brief10/31/18Man Exhausted After Having To Explain Halloween Costume For Umpteenth TimeNEW BUFFALO, MI—Struggling to convey his exasperation through a set of plastic fangs, seasonally costumed reveler…
Aug 29 2018News in Brief8/29/18News in Brief8/29/185-Year-Old Admits It Pretty Messed Up Spider-Man Visiting His Birthday Party When He Could Be Out Saving LivesWESTCHESTER, NY—Acknowledging that there were definitely far more pressing issues for the young superhero to…
Aug 16 2018News in Brief8/16/18News in Brief8/16/18Methadone Clinic Must Be Having Some Sort Of Big PartyNEW YORK—Calling the atmosphere on the sidewalk across the street “positively electric,” sources confirmed Thursday…
Apr 18 2018News In Photos4/18/18News In Photos4/18/18Shy Balloon Spends Entire Party Floating In Back Corner Of Room By Itself
Apr 10 2018News In Photos4/10/18News In Photos4/10/18Party Host Horrified To Discover Guests Have Been Drying Hands On Bath Towel This Whole Time
Dec 31 2017News in Brief12/31/17News in Brief12/31/17Single Woman Getting All Dolled Up To Watch Room Full Of People Make Out This New Year’s EveBROOKLYN, NY—Wearing a brand-new dress while carefully applying her makeup for the evening, local single woman Kelly…