TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

FREMONT, CA—Hoping to reach a consensus should the timeline of the prior evening come under scrutiny, Samantha Lu, 11, and her six sleepover guests reportedly got their story straight about when exactly they went to bed. “Okay, we watched The LEGO Batman Movie, brushed our teeth, and went to bed at 10, got it?” said…

RALEIGH, NC—Determining the time had come to seek out livelier company, local man Thomas Weber reportedly surveyed the party he was attending Thursday for the next group he could silently stand in. “Let’s see, which of these clusters of people do I want to linger in for the next half hour or so without saying a single…

WASHINGTON—Suggesting a modest overall turnout by the populace, a new Gallup poll released Monday found that 40 percent of Americans were probably going to skip Michelle’s party. “When asked if they were going to stop by Michelle’s later, four in 10 citizens said they either had no plans to go or had thought about…

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the Princeton Review on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row. “More than any of its celestial neighbors, Earth is the…

MURRELLS INLET, SC—Saying the marine creature would be “annoyed as hell” if he knew, sources confirmed Friday that a shrimp currently inhabiting a local salt marsh would be completely pissed off if he were able to see the awful party he will one day be served at. “God, he’d be so mad if he knew about all the lame,…

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child. According to sources, the…

A bachelorette party is a fun way to make the bride feel special before her big day. Here are The Onion’s tips for throwing an unforgettable bachelorette bash:

HARTFORD, CT—Insisting there was still plenty left to eat, local party hosts Dana and Mark Randolph reportedly encouraged late-arriving guest Jonathan Morse this weekend to load up on food that had been sitting out in the sun for the past four hours. “We’ve got a whole spread, so just grab a plate and dig in,” said…

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing. “Seriously, someone better take these things from Ashcraft—he…

SANTA CRUZ, CA—His pulse still racing following the conclusion of the five-minute anecdote, local man Luke Weaver, 30, told reporters Friday that listening to a fellow partygoer’s story about how she started making earrings out of Scrabble tiles was even more intense and spellbinding than he imagined it would be.…

BOSTON—Noting his short outbursts of laughter as he charged across the house, sources confirmed Saturday that pajama-clad 5-year-old Lucas Mason made a turbulent rampage through a dinner party hosted by his parents. Mason, who reportedly hopped around the living room growling and stomping like a dinosaur in front of…

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

CHICAGO—Sighing as he scanned the room and performed a mental tally of everyone he would invite, local 26-year-old Andrew Bryer sadly realized that his cramped one-bedroom apartment has enough space to host a party with all of his friends, sources confirmed Friday. “There’s really nowhere to sit other than the futon…

LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying it would be fun to have everyone together in the same place, local man David Coughlin reportedly proposed combining his birthday party with that of his far more popular friend, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I know my birthday’s a couple weeks after yours, but maybe it’d be cool if we just threw one…