CHICAGO—Staring wide-eyed at the table full of unopened presents being largely ignored by guests, local man Rick Joseph…

ST. PAUL, MN—Describing the majority of attendees as “acquaintances at best,” birthday celebrant Megan Randall stated…

LAKEWOOD, OH—Cramped and frustrated at being unable to interact with any of the other guests, Halloween party attendee…

NEW BUFFALO, MI—Struggling to convey his exasperation through a set of plastic fangs, seasonally costumed reveler Aaron…

WESTCHESTER, NY—Acknowledging that there were definitely far more pressing issues for the young superhero to address,…

NEW YORK—Calling the atmosphere on the sidewalk across the street “positively electric,” sources confirmed Thursday…

BROOKLYN, NY—Wearing a brand-new dress while carefully applying her makeup for the evening, local single woman Kelly…

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug…

FREMONT, CA—Hoping to reach a consensus should the timeline of the prior evening come under scrutiny, Samantha Lu, 11,…

RALEIGH, NC—Determining the time had come to seek out livelier company, local man Thomas Weber reportedly surveyed the…

WASHINGTON—Suggesting a modest overall turnout by the populace, a new Gallup poll released Monday found that 40 percent…

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions…

MURRELLS INLET, SC—Saying the marine creature would be “annoyed as hell” if he knew, sources confirmed Friday that a…

Here are the most popular Halloween costumes of 2016:

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold…

A bachelorette party is a fun way to make the bride feel special before her big day. Here are The Onion’s tips for…