Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life
LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and…
Scientists Slowly Reintroducing Small Group Of Normal, Well-Adjusted Humans Into Society
ITHACA, NY—In an ambitious attempt to revive a population long considered to be on the brink of extinction, scientists…
New Evidence Suggests Early Humans First Used Fire To Impress Friends
KURUMAN, SOUTH AFRICA—Archaeologists excavating a 1.5-million-year-old Homo erectus habitation site this week unearthed…
Economists Estimate Human Civilization Still Years Away From Turning Profit
BALTIMORE—After an exhaustive review of financial records from the present back to the cuneiform ledgers of ancient…
Conversational Lamprey Slowly Draining Life From Dinner Party
LANCASTER, PA—Explaining how their once-active discussion barely had the strength to continue on, sources confirmed…
God Unable To Remember What Year Humanity Goes Extinct
THE HEAVENS—Saying that He definitely knew the event was scheduled for some point within the vast expanse of time, the…
Heartbreaking Yelp Review Says It’s Just Nice To Eat A Meal Around Other People
SOUTH BEND, IN—In an exceedingly depressing review posted Monday on the popular website Yelp, a user identified as…
Rosa Maria Torres, 81, died peacefully in bed surrounded by fat grandkids.
Rosa Maria Torres, 81, died peacefully in bed surrounded by fat grandkids.
Nation's 10-Year-Old Boys: 'If You See Someone Raping Us, Please Call The Police'
'Doesn't Matter Who, Doesn't Matter Where,' Children Say
Steven Geary passed away Tuesday evening surrounded by friends, family, and one secret enemy.
Steven Geary passed away Tuesday evening surrounded by friends, family, and one secret enemy.
Civilization To Hold Off On Having Any More Kids For A While
'Let's Just See How We're Doing In A Few Years' Humanity Decides
FDA To Increase Recommended Dosage Of Acetaminophen For Children Who Can Handle Their Shit
WASHINGTON—The Food and Drug Administration announced Friday that it has approved an increase in the recommended dosage…
Weaves, Braids May Hasten Balding Process
A study of 326 black women revealed that a quarter of them were suffering from baldness that may be linked to…
Man With Apple Hovering In Front Of Face Sues René Magritte's Estate
TACOMA, WA—Michael Renfro, a 68-year-old retired CPA with an apple hovering in front of his face, announced Monday that…
If Only Someone Had Written A Song Describing The Bittersweet, Cyclical Nature Of The Father-Son Relationship
Over the years, music has covered a wide range of human emotions. But one aspect of the human condition that has never…
I Bet My 40s Are Totally Going To Rock
You know what I'm really excited about? Turning 40! The Big Four-Oh. I've got one hell of a landmark birthday coming…
Barbara Bush Runs Aground Off Coast Of Maine
Rescue crews have been working day and night to free the former first lady, who has been unable to extricate herself…
Cindy McCain Claims She’s ‘Just Like Any Other Female Human’
Despite the media's portrayal of her, Cindy McCain says she is a down-to-earth person who enjoys breathing oxygen and…