The Inventory

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

Scientists Slowly Reintroducing Small Group Of Normal, Well-Adjusted Humans Into Society

New Evidence Suggests Early Humans First Used Fire To Impress Friends

Economists Estimate Human Civilization Still Years Away From Turning Profit

11/04/15 2:20PM

Conversational Lamprey Slowly Draining Life From Dinner Party

4/03/15 11:00AM

God Unable To Remember What Year Humanity Goes Extinct

11/12/14 2:45PM

Heartbreaking Yelp Review Says It’s Just Nice To Eat A Meal Around Other People

Rosa Maria Torres, 81, died peacefully in bed surrounded by fat grandkids.

1/31/12 10:50AM

Nation's 10-Year-Old Boys: 'If You See Someone Raping Us, Please Call The Police'

11/28/11 9:20AM

Steven Geary passed away Tuesday evening surrounded by friends, family, and one secret enemy.

11/15/11 3:00PM

Civilization To Hold Off On Having Any More Kids For A While

10/03/11 10:00AM

What Are We Yelling At Our Children's Graduation?

6/03/11 11:00AM

FDA To Increase Recommended Dosage Of Acetaminophen For Children Who Can Handle Their Shit

American Voices

American Voices

Weaves, Braids May Hasten Balding Process

Congressional Swap Meet Erupts In Chaos

Man With Apple Hovering In Front Of Face Sues René Magritte's Estate

11/27/08 9:00AM

If Only Someone Had Written A Song Describing The Bittersweet, Cyclical Nature Of The Father-Son Relationship

11/19/08 6:30AM

I Bet My 40s Are Totally Going To Rock

11/12/08 7:07AM

Barbara Bush Runs Aground Off Coast Of Maine

11/01/08 10:00AM

Cindy McCain Claims She’s ‘Just Like Any Other Female Human’

10/26/08 6:00AM

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