LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday. Witnesses told reporters that the brilliantly blue sky…
ITHACA, NY—In an ambitious attempt to revive a population long considered to be on the brink of extinction, scientists announced Friday they have slowly begun to reintroduce normal, well-adjusted human beings back into society.
KURUMAN, SOUTH AFRICA—Archaeologists excavating a 1.5-million-year-old Homo erectus habitation site this week unearthed the strongest evidence to date that early humans first used fire to impress their friends. “Based on the locations and prevalence of burn marks at the site, we can infer that fire was initially…
BALTIMORE—After an exhaustive review of financial records from the present back to the cuneiform ledgers of ancient Mesopotamia, economists at Johns Hopkins University released a report Wednesday indicating that human civilization is still many years away from turning a profit.
LANCASTER, PA—Explaining how their once-active discussion barely had the strength to continue on, sources confirmed Thursday that conversational lamprey Brian Kenney was slowly draining the life from acquaintance Josh Carrington’s dinner party. According to sources, Kenney firmly latched himself onto each of the…
THE HEAVENS—Saying that He definitely knew the event was scheduled for some point within the vast expanse of time, the Lord God Almighty told reporters Wednesday that He was unable to remember exactly what year humanity goes extinct. “Dammit, when are they supposed to die off again?” The Divine Creator asked Himself,…
SOUTH BEND, IN—In an exceedingly depressing review posted Monday on the popular website Yelp, a user identified as Gregg4 gave five stars to local diner Gullifty’s solely on the basis of it being a “place where you can go to eat a meal around folks who are talking and laughing.” “Sometimes it’s just nice to hear…
Rosa Maria Torres, 81, died peacefully in bed surrounded by fat grandkids.
'Doesn't Matter Who, Doesn't Matter Where,' Children Say
Steven Geary passed away Tuesday evening surrounded by friends, family, and one secret enemy.
'Let's Just See How We're Doing In A Few Years' Humanity Decides
WASHINGTON—The Food and Drug Administration announced Friday that it has approved an increase in the recommended dosage of acetaminophen for children who can hack it. "Our research shows there is a growing number of 2-year-olds out there who are fully able to keep their shit together and hang with the big boys," FDA…
A study of 326 black women revealed that a quarter of them were suffering from baldness that may be linked to hairstyles that tug at the scalp, such as braids or weaves. What do you think?
TACOMA, WA—Michael Renfro, a 68-year-old retired CPA with an apple hovering in front of his face, announced Monday that he has filed a $15 million lawsuit against the estate of deceased Belgian artist René Magritte for unlawfully using his likeness in the 1964 painting The Son Of Man.
Over the years, music has covered a wide range of human emotions. But one aspect of the human condition that has never been evoked by a single musician is the complex relationship between father and son. I'm speaking specifically here about the strained bond that forms between the two when the father's neglect for his…
You know what I'm really excited about? Turning 40! The Big Four-Oh. I've got one hell of a landmark birthday coming up, and I'm pumped! I may have spent these past 39 years meandering through life, focused only on petty concerns, without any direction or drive, but not anymore. My unremarkable childhood, my awkward…
Rescue crews have been working day and night to free the former first lady, who has been unable to extricate herself from the sand.
Despite the media's portrayal of her, Cindy McCain says she is a down-to-earth person who enjoys breathing oxygen and consuming earth food for energy.
