Police Officer Wouldn’t Have Killed Black Man If He Knew Everyone Would Make Such A Big Fuss About It

MILWAUKEE, WI—Expressing his deep and heartfelt regrets regarding how the incident has played out in the media, Milwaukee police officer Ian Feeny said Monday that he would never have killed an unarmed black man during a routine traffic stop if he had known that everyone would make such a big fuss about the incident.…

Loose-Cannon Cop Who Doesn’t Play By The Rules Uses Unconventional Filing System For Paperwork While On Desk Duty

SACRAMENTO, CA—Citing his cocksure disregard for standard procedure in favor of a more fast-and-loose approach, stunned sources reported Wednesday that loose-cannon cop Colin Roherty refuses to play by the rules, employing his own unorthodox system to file documents while on desk duty. “Instead of doing things by the…

‘Just Take It Slow, And You’ll Be Fine,’ Drunk Driver Assures Self While Speeding Away In Stolen Police Car

ATLANTA—In an effort to avoid arousing any suspicion, drunk driver Jeff Macklin reportedly assured himself while speeding away in a stolen police car Monday that he would be totally fine if he just took it slow. “All you gotta do is take this nice and easy, and everything will turn out A-okay,” said the inebriated…

Cop Confident He’ll Be Exonerated By Clear Video Evidence Of Him Shooting Defenseless Black Man

ORLANDO, FL—Optimistic that the footage would shield him from responsibility for any role in the victim’s death, local police officer Ruben McDermitt was reportedly confident Friday that he’d be exonerated by the clear video evidence of him shooting a defenseless black man. “Once they see the tape of me opening fire…

Report: Supplying Police With High-Powered Military Weapons To Sharply Reduce Costs Of Shooting Suspects Multiple Times

WASHINGTON—Saying the initiative could provide significant savings for cash-strapped police departments nationwide, a report released Tuesday by the Bureau of Justice Statistics found that the Trump administration’s plan to supply local law enforcement with high-powered military weapons would greatly lower the costs…

Warning On Police Body Camera Footage Cautions Viewer They About To See Pretty Much Exactly What They’d Expect

KANSAS CITY, MO—Providing a brief warning before the footage began playing, several lines of text that preceded a three-minute video clip from a police officer’s body camera reportedly informed viewers Monday they were about to see pretty much exactly what they’d expect. “Warning: This video contains precisely what…

Heroic Police Officer Talks Man Down From Edge Of Purchasing Subway Footlong Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki

CLEVELAND—Rushing into action as a horrified crowd of onlookers gathered, heroic police officer Craig Stanton reportedly talked a man down Thursday from the edge of purchasing a footlong Subway Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki sandwich. “Listen, you don’t have to do this—you have so much more to live for,” said the…