‘You Are Donald Trump, 45th President Of The United States,’ Trump Reads From Faded Tattoo On Wrist

WASHINGTON—Waking in the same bleary-eyed state of confusion as he has every day of his Presidency, Donald Trump blinked at his unfamiliar surroundings and slowly shook his head several times before finding and reading the phrase, “You are Donald Trump, 45th president of the United States,” from a faded tattoo on his…

‘Oh God, What Happened Last Night?’ Says Groggy Mike Pence After Waking Up In Same Bed As Wife

WASHINGTON—Experiencing a rising sense of dread as he opened his eyes Friday morning and noticed the woman asleep beside him, a groggy and confused Vice President Mike Pence reportedly muttered, “Oh God, what happened last night?” upon waking up in the same bed as his wife. “This is Karen’s bed—what have I done?” said…

Veteran Congressman Can Still Remember When Inaction On Gun Violence Actually Presented A Moral Dilemma

WASHINGTON—Thinking back to a far simpler time, veteran congressman Chuck Grassley (R-IA) told reporters Thursday that he could still remember when his inaction on gun violence actually presented a moral dilemma. “I can still recall how, years ago, deciding not to take any steps to address universal background checks…

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‘Aha!’ Shouts Devin Nunes Pulling Back Shower Curtain In Hopes Of Revealing Hidden FBI Agent

WASHINGTON—Tiptoeing across the floor of his bathroom in stockinged feet to quiet his approach, California Representative Devin Nunes reportedly shouted, “Aha!” Thursday before pulling back a shower curtain in the hopes of revealing a hidden FBI agent. “You thought you could hide from me,” the chairman of the House…