WASHINGTON—Waking in the same bleary-eyed state of confusion as he has every day of his Presidency, Donald Trump blinked at his unfamiliar surroundings and slowly shook his head several times before finding and reading the phrase, “You are Donald Trump, 45th president of the United States,” from a faded tattoo on his…
WASHINGTON—Saying the CNN town hall debate had left him sexually aroused in a way he hadn’t experienced since his failed 2016 presidential run, Florida senator Marco Rubio admitted Friday that he was still rock-hard a couple days after being publicly humiliated on the national stage. “Oh, fuck yes, I had forgotten how…
WASHINGTON—Experiencing a rising sense of dread as he opened his eyes Friday morning and noticed the woman asleep beside him, a groggy and confused Vice President Mike Pence reportedly muttered, “Oh God, what happened last night?” upon waking up in the same bed as his wife. “This is Karen’s bed—what have I done?” said…
WASHINGTON—Thinking back to a far simpler time, veteran congressman Chuck Grassley (R-IA) told reporters Thursday that he could still remember when his inaction on gun violence actually presented a moral dilemma. “I can still recall how, years ago, deciding not to take any steps to address universal background checks…
WASHINGTON—As they examined the recently released White House budget, U.S. senators and representatives expressed confusion Tuesday about the $500 million that President Trump has proposed the government spend on “laser stuff” in fiscal year 2019. “While I agree with many of the president’s recommendations, like his…
WASHINGTON—Championing the decision as a way to cut costs and still meet federally mandated nutrition requirements, President Trump announced a plan Tuesday to replace food stamps with a new low-income foraging program. “We have developed a new foraging-based plan that provides qualifying Americans with a small,…
WASHINGTON—Explaining the rationale behind a two-year government budget deal crafted by members of both parties hours ahead of a potential shutdown, congressional leaders told reporters Thursday that they had put aside their partisan differences for the good of the nation’s military contractors. “It’s time that we…
WASHINGTON—Tiptoeing across the floor of his bathroom in stockinged feet to quiet his approach, California Representative Devin Nunes reportedly shouted, “Aha!” Thursday before pulling back a shower curtain in the hopes of revealing a hidden FBI agent. “You thought you could hide from me,” the chairman of the House…
WASHINGTON—Ending any speculation over whether he would submit to questioning on the subject, lawyers representing President Trump confirmed Wednesday he is willing to clear up any concerns that talk show host Sean Hannity may have about his 2016 campaign’s alleged collusion with Russia. “The president has expressed…
